MLC likely...BPD possible...divorce pending

[PEI]

It is hard to live unless you are concious of it.

Oh sweet nectar of the gods ... Jack? ... Jack? Have you seen this ....

Now it really is a Happy Little Friday

[Truegritter]

Sh!t! That was way passed my bedtime

<EDIT>

put "it" after live and before unless.

[PEI]

... and I assume you'd also like to add the s to conScious too ...

[ericmsant2]

Thank God that you guys criticizes Grit for his spelling..I can only imagine what you guys say about me.

[PEI]

Thank God that you guys criticizes Grit for his spelling

I've been waiting weeks for a chance

And seriously ... too easy with you ... JK!

I can only imagine what you guys say about me.

All good stuff I swear.

[LanceSijan]

Lola,

Just read through your thread, You are getting good advice.
I had forgotton that I posted to you before.
Well thats a middle aged guy thing. LOL.

This is a process, every day you take another step, you keep growing. After a while you will be able to walk faster, and even start to run. That is what you must do. The MLC'er will catch up if he wants to, if not then you will be way down the road, not stuck in traffic.

keep asking questions those are good.

[PEI]

This is a process, every day you take another step, you keep growing. After a while you will be able to walk faster, and even start to run. That is what you must do. The MLC'er will catch up if he wants to, if not then you will be way down the road, not stuck in traffic.

I like this Lance ... kinda reminds me of my hallway analogy ...

Peace
PEI

[lolawar]

I need to be put in my place....
I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight...her brother is going thru a divorce. She doesn't believe that her brother had an A but she also doesn't put it past him. He is seeing somebody already...so the writing is on the wall.

Discussing her brother's divorce led us into multiple relationship discussions. She said to me 'Lola, no offense....but I don't think I would have stuck around as long as you did'....'I have a kid..I would try one time...but your H did it again'....'I think at that point...I would have walked away...I have too much self respect'.

I asked her how she felt about unconditional love..I asked her if she would love her son no matter what he did. She said 'hell yes'....but she also said she didn't feel the same way about her husband. It is a different kind of love. Her and her H are all their son has. Her H has plenty of other people to depend on.

So I am struggling with the following:

1) I think I already know the answer.....but....at what point is standing for your marriage...compromising your self respect?

2) Does unconditional love between two adults really exist? or is this just a myth that we preach and read about

I learn by repetition...fyi

[punkin]

Oh Lola,

You've missed the battle threads those two questions have opened up. It's all a matter of perspective. Some here hate the term'unconditional love' Others feel it is their very reason for standing for their marriage. There was a long convo not 3 weeks ago about when did standing become bad for you.

I believe that is a matter only you can decide for yourself. My H cancelled our planned vacation because he couldn't get off work. What he really did was go with a girl our son's age to Nebraska. In order to out him, she sent me the vacation pics.
I'm still standing, but I believe more for myself than him. I have personal reasons for dragging this out longer than usual.

What you have to remember is that you did nothing wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty about it one way or the other. You do what your heart and your gut tells you to do.

As far as loving no matter what: The love for your children and the love for your husband is as different as the love you have for friends and other family members. As women, we'll defend our children to the death. Our husbands, well, we may not end up continuing as life partners, but I know I will always love him. I just can't let that stop me from having a happy life or throwing away another chance for happiness should it come along.

I'm far from any type of wise sage, but I hope I answered your questions just a bit. And never hesitate to ask. We all from time to time need reassurance that we are doing the right thing for ourselves, and there is usually someone here to help you through the moment.

((HUGS))

[MHL]

Lola,

This is a first for me, I am going quote myself....LOL

I posted this to Punkin earlier today and it seems appropriate for you also, here it is.....

I guess what I am having is a crisis of faith. Despite the hurt, the anger, all the hodge-podge of emotions, I am asking myself what I really want, or should want.

I still love my husband, even though he neither deserves my love or returns it. Even our children are against our reconciliation, not that he has asked for one.

It is okay to ask yourself these questions but I don't think that you need to try to answer those questions yet.

You might be thinking to yourself, "If I make a decision and act on it, maybe these feelings will go away."

Wrong time to be answering these questions much less taking action. You will know when the time is right, it will come with time. When these feelings settle down you will be able to look at things differently but for now you stand b/c you are really not ready to do anything else right now.

Personally, I came to that point a couple of weeks ago where the emotions settled down and I made a decision to stand for my marriage longer. That is not to say that at some point in the future I will not reach a different crossroads and make a different decision.

Here is the other bonus that you get in standing and detaching from the sitch and that is RESPECT. Right now friends and family don't want you to reconcile but in time they will come to respect your decision if you are MOVING FORWARD in your life.

In otherwords if you are LIVING your life and prospering without your H they will see that you are doing fine. When you tell them you are still standing for your marriage, they will understand what unconditional love is. Most people don't know it b/c they have never seen it, when you are living it they will want it and they will respect you for having it.

Hang in there.

Cheers

You asked two questions, lets take the second question first.....

2) Does unconditional love between two adults really exist? or is this just a myth that we preach and read about

There is a paradox in this question......

unconditional love between......the word "between" would imply conditional love, meaning "If you love me then I will love you back and if you stop loving me I will stop loving you" this requires two people loving each other....right???

unconditional love requires 2 people but only one of them doing the loving.....make sense???

So the answer to your question is NO....unconditional love does not exist between two people.

However.....One person can unconditionally love the other regardless of what the other is doing, feeling or saying.

I think the question you have is for yourself......

Do I love my H unconditionally? Or did you ever?

(If that second one stings then you may want to do some digging.)

Can you love with your whole heart, whole mind, whole body, whole soul without him returning one shred of anything towards you?

Here is the repetition part....We talked about this on your thread a couple of nights ago. (and I think I will quote myself again, its easier than typing it....LOL)

I have heard that marriage is God's cruel little trick on humans to make them realize just how much he loves us.

We disappoint Him daily, we pray to Him, make promises to Him, only to turn around 5 minutes later and break those promises again.

Yet he loved us above his only Son.......think about it. Translate.....That would mean I would sacrifice my son for my W knowing full well she will disappoint me again and again.

If we disappoint God almighty himself without any care in the world why would we even think twice about disappointing each other.

Sooooo....we should know going into a "loving" relationship that almost certainly that our partner is going to disappoint us.

I think it was Grit that said they should changes the Vows when you get married to "To have and to hold and to love you even when lie, cheat, and utterly shatter my heart in to a million pieces...." (I paraphrase, couldn't find the quote, sorry Grit)

On to Question #1

1) I think I already know the answer.....but....at what point is standing for your marriage...compromising your self respect?

Again there is a paradox in the question......

Since it is self respect then only you can answer that.

There is no doubt that we all LOVE our spouses, I don't think we would be here if we did not. And......Since we are here it is a pretty good bet that we DO love them unconditionally.

It understanding what unconditional love is and then living it, REALLY living it!!!! Once it becomes part of who you are then I think you can more comfortably Decide when you are done and at that point I think you have RESPECTED yourself.

At that point you will have taken into consideration your beliefs, your feelings, your actions, your experiences, your everything and you will have done so having a better understanding of yourself. This is the journey we are on.....A Journey of Understanding Ourselves, getting "In Touch" with ourselves.

Lola,
You will know when you arrive at that point and then you will answer that question.

Sorry for the long post. Hope it helps.

Cheers