I am going to let him know that all of his stuff is in the garage. He is no longer welcome in my home but he is welcome to come look thru the garbage bags in the garage. Whatever he doesn't take is going in the garbage. DONE.
Your H has been about controlling you since I met you here Lola.
Look up thread I told you to do this over a month ago.(except I said put his sh!t on the curb and call him to tell him to come get it.)
I knew he would continue to try to control you through the only way he has left.
Well he still has the D paperwork.
Don't expect that to go on your schedule either if you leave it to him.
I want you think about something.
Why do you allow yourself to be his pawn?
I know you know what he is capable of doing and yet you don't take action against it.
Why are you passive to protecting yourself?
It would be different if this stuff did not upset you but it does.
And it should.
What is it inside that makes you accept this?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit posted some very good question for you! Take some time to think about them...really think about them...
You may be afraid of what you find - DONT...'cause Lola....You just may find YOU - May find those answers that you have been searching for.
I agree with everyone else...change the locks..house is in your name. He shows up again..tell him his shi* is in the garage.
Sorry that you going through this...BUT I know you are strong! I know it!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks guys. I did change my front door lock. H still has a key to my garage which he hasn't given back yet. I have no idea when he took the recorder..It could have been missing for awhile- I just didn't notice.
Earlier today he told me that he wasn't giving me the recorder back- he was giving me $40 instead. I told him that it wasn't his to take and he needs to give it back. He then told me that he erased all the recordings and I could have it back. ARGGGGGGGGG!!!!
After some back and forth- I told him to just mail me the stuff that he had...he wasn't welcome at the house anymore...get me the divorce papers. He asked me to calm down and meet with him to exchange items..."like normal people"...and not thru mail.
Because I told him that he "stole" the recorder...he knew it wasn't his..he then demanded that I give him back the cell phone that I found over a year ago...the cell phone that he used with OW. (how I identified the A first time around) I just kept ignoring the question. I don't even know why he wants it after over a year. He said he is worried that I would use it to hurt him...meanwhile I have had for over a year and never did anything with it. The back and forth got draining today... I responded "I am not out to hurt you. However, I will NOT let you hurt me any longer nor will I compromise my needs or wants. Can't trust you at the house. Please put my stuff in the mail".
His response: "i am not trying 2 hurt u anymore than i already did. and will continue 2 give u everything u ask 4". I responded "Coming into my home and stealing from me is hurtful. You didn't do it with me in mind...you stole it with u in mind"..and then I couldn't take it anymore..
I lost patience...and ended the back and forth with "not participating in this banter. Mail me my stuff and get me my papers. Keep the recorder. I want this marriage over with. Done dealing with you"
I received several more texts about the f'n cell phone he wants back. I just ignored him. The the final text "Why won't you return my phone? if u cant see that concerns me...".
I won't return his phone until I make sure he files for adultery...like he said he would. I don't know if he will fight it or not...so I want to make sure I have something as proof. I know he is not going to make this easy. I would be very surprised if he makes this easy. He knows I haven't done anything with the phone to date..I think he was just using it as an excuse for him taking the recorder.
Quote:
Why do you allow yourself to be his pawn?
I know you know what he is capable of doing and yet you don't take action against it.
I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt..I know he doesn't deserve it. Like I have done all along. I always think he is going to change.
Quote:
Why are you passive to protecting yourself?
I have been thinking about this question all day. I'm not sure I know how effectively. I will let it go..let it go and let it go...until I get angry..and then it is too late to say anything- because the opportunity to say anything passed...and it wouldn't make sense to say anything now. I can at times..become passive aggressive too.
Quote:
It would be different if this stuff did not upset you but it does.
And it should.
What is it inside that makes you accept this?
Been thinking about this all day too. It has been bothering me actually. I need to give it more thought.
There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something. Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear - fear of losing or not having what you are attached to. When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attracts, and attachment pushes away. If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.
To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear has gone.
Have you secured council yet? If not, i suggest that you have a sit down with an attny. I know that your H is an attny but I suggest that you hire or consult with the best in your state.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Definitely loves game playing. He called me after work to continue. I didn't answer the phone and didn't return his call.
I think I am done. I am going pitch black.
Eric- I haven't seeked council in quite some time.... Financially- I don't have anything to lose because everything has been separated. I think he is just trying to intimidate me to not file the way I want. I honestly don't care at this point. I just really don't want to see or hear from him. He just ruins my day. I know...I know- I shouldn't let him ruin my day. Not letting him engage me seems to be the best remedy to this.
I filled out the divorce paperwork this morning and sending it to the courthouse tomorrow.
I have made the decision because of the following reasons: 1) I won't be manipulated any longer
2) I no longer want to play childish games. I long for a more mature relationship. I have engaged in this "play" too long and I don't like myself when I do it. There is no relationship if there aren't any games. I don't want to play.
3) Whether this is MLC or not MLC- my H has personality issues that he refuses to recognize...there is no tunnel wide enough that is going to permit that huge narcissistic, self centered head to poke out. You cannot change something that you do not see
4) I don't believe he ever REALLY loved me. If I am being honest here...He just isn't capable of it and I accepted it. I don't know if this was from my low self esteem or if this caused low self esteem. My H is about the chase..he got me. Chase was over...love (or whatever it was) was over with it.
5) H doesn't respect me...he doesn't respect anyone really...but he certainly doesn't respect me. I allowed this.
6) His A is the offense that I am least offended by...
7) I am more at peace without him. Others around me have noticed this about me too. I feel like myself. I am no longer compromising myself. I am no longer accepting behavior that I don't find acceptable(except when I allow myself to engage!)
8) I am just tired of being accused of ridiculous things...and I am sick of defending myself. I don't want to be defensive any longer...and the only other option with my H is to stand there and get stabbed. He comes to every fight with a knife. He loves the drama. He loves the argument. He thrives on this...this is why he is an attorney.
My M was not good...I don't think it ever was. Sure we had good times and we created some great memories. But the best doctors in the world couldn't bring health to this unhealthy relationship. I don't think my H has ever had a healthy relationship. I'm not sure why I didn't explore this more when we met...I guess I ignored the signs. I ignored one of his x-girlfriends that told me what an awful boyfriend he was. I ignored his friends that told me what a moody b*stard he was and that he was a bully.
It was a challenge. I thought he would change when he met the right person...and the right person was me. I was wrong and it was foolish to think that way. In the beginning, I liked that he teased me. I thought it was playful. It just never stopped..and then it got more serious..and then it was just hurtful. He told me I was oversensitive. He told me that I needed thicker skin. I started to think that I was becoming too sensitive. All my boundaries were so blurred after awhile.
And of course...I liked being married to a lawyer. I liked the lifestyle that we had. I liked saying I was married to him. I liked that he was educated. I liked that he could debate different things. But... He didn't satisfy my emotional needs...I am not sure he ever did.
I did have a healthy long term relationship prior to my H. I know I am capable of it. I made a lot of mistakes in that R but it was overall healthy. I learned alot from it and avoided repeating most of those mistakes in this R.
Now I have to own my mistakes here and make sure I do some fixing.
