I'm not sure about the force. On the drive home from work it didn't seem like it was "no big deal" anymore. By the time W showed up, I was back to Joe cool. I'm reading Coach's treatice on flying IFR. So far I'm not ahead of the plane a lot of the time. I haven't finished it yet, but am looking forward to being able to predict her.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Goodman - you've been fighting the good fight for a while now. Maybe it is time to shake things up? Let her go. Really. You deserve more. She may still come around, but let her see you really detached and moving on. I think she feels you will take her back as is. Set your boundaries, detach gracefully and do all the DB stuff for you. I know - you've heard this all before - but it's easy to forget in the midst of the storm.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Ok. I'm back. I took the time on vacation to fly solo a little. It was good to clear my head a little. I just applied my lessons in my dealings with W and focused on having fun with the kids. Since then, school has started back up. Which means a lot of work for me (scouting takes a lot of organization at the beginning of each year if you want to stay ahead of the curve). So I'm finally caught up with that and work.
LRT, thanks. You are , of course, right. I am moving on as gracefully as possible. It still reeks though. Limbo is tough. I keep wondering what will happen if she turns. I know that in my mind, a definative statement of remorse and dedication to work on us is the ideal goal. Yet I rather imagine that it will be a far more gradual process. At this point I wonder if I would even recognize it. Look at me all optomistic. Maybe that's a hold over from my little mental vacation.
Vacation was awesome btw. S9 who has always been deathly affraid of the deep end finally let me work with him. Over three days, he finally got it. He can tread water now and dog paddle accros the pool. On the last day, I got him to jump in the deep end. He was scared, but afterwards wanted to do it again! I was very proud of him. I promised him a while ago that I'd take him on a guided fishing trip once he learned. Can't wait to make good on that!
S12 is a natural swimmer. Has a swimmer's body and is a rocket. I raced him several times. I'm out of shape still, so he usually beats me after the first racce. On the last day we tied every time. I'm certain I'll never get close to him again. Next year he'll blow me away. It was a poinient moment.
With W I was mostly pleasent. I did my thing and let her be. Six flags was HOT. 104 in the shade. Everyone was dome by 2:00 pm. S12 and I went back in at night and closed it down. Rode a lot of rides. It was fun.
I still have issues, and have NO idea where this is going, but I'm much happier just being myself and think I'm only at the place I'm at because I have had all of you to learn from. Detachment is a life saver. Of course, I'll probably blow it another thousand times and be right back here licking my wounds.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
You are doing great and you are posting good advice on other threads.
I am impressed!
BTW, if you have finished reading my sitch, you will see where I have blown it many time and am back licking my wounds. I don't know if it's to be expected, but don't be ashamed when/if it happens. It seem some people have a natural ability to do this and do it well. The rest of us have to learn. That means trial and error. Falling down and getting back up. I think you are a natural at this. Don't sell yourself short.
Keep it up and learn what to expect next. It still amazes me that so many of our sitches are so similar. Same story, different names. Learn from my mistakes, if you can.
I have a feeling that you will quickly get through this and decide what is best for you and not stay stuck in the wonderful world of limbo for too long.
For those of you who've been following me along my journey and anybody else who's ever helped me, I will be etternally thankful. I felt really strong, really sure of myself and the proper course of action. It's all been turned on it's side.
W had a dr's appt yesterday. She's been having some pain the last few months. It seemed innocuous. She took off yesterday for the appt and because MIL had an outpatient proceedure. When I got home, she wasn't there. Nothing new about that, so I didn't give it much thought.
When she arrived, she greeted the kids and made some small talk with me. In a quiet moment, she dropped a bomb of a different nature. She may need a surgury. I asked what for and she said the dr's are worried. They have run all the tests in previous visits and are unsure what's causing her pain. Several options are very very bad. Fatal bad.
I tried to maintain all my gains, but my head was swimming. Not sure what my position is or even should be. In my head I was screaming no and begging for some help. Not stupid. I know that the R problems don't go away. Was wishing I could channel Coach or Pup among others. All I could focus on was "Lead".
Db went right out the window for the most part. Nothing is certain. It could still turn out that it's not as bad as it might be. Does that make sense? I hugged her and asked why she didn't call me. We'd talked briefly earlier in the day and she said I didn't seem that friendly and was quick to get off the phone. I Was on the way to a meeting. Anyway, she said she didn't think she wanted to face more of that. I told her it was ok and made sense.
I reacted as her husband. I was scared out of my head and knew she was too. Even though she was in her "strong don't need anybodies help " mode. I did my best to keep db in mind, but I have no idea how I did. I told her that health crisises trump M crisises, and that I wanted to put aside out situation for the time being. Told her the problems are still there and that they can wait until we know for sure she's going to be ok. They'll still be there. But for now, I plan to be there for her. I plan to comfort her and face this together.
I reminded her about her ILYBNILWY. I told her that even though that's the case, perhaps for both of us, that the first part of it is ILY. I would expect and want her to help me if the tables were turned. We have 20 yes of being there for each other and even if we're not in love anymore, I do still love her. Am still concerned gor her. Still want her to be healthy. Definately want the boys to have their Mommy for a long time.
More hugging and some tears (hers). Mine are all used up I guess.
Then I made her go to dinner with me and the boys. Payday and I've gotten in the habit of taking them to their favorite pizza place. She wanted to beg out, but I wouldn't let her. She needed to get out and not sit by herself IMO.
I hoped I was leading the whole time. If not, it seemed a rather small concern at the time.
More happened today. It needs a seperate post.
Never thought I'd say it, but I'd be happy getting back to just "tired of this".
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Today, we had the longest R talk since this all started. She was pissy with me and I stood my ground (sort of, eventually). She tried to bait me and I called her on her CB, but then got baited back and had to walk away.
But with everything that I learned yesterday, my resolve is shot. I felt like a heel for upsetting her ( I know, I know. It was CB and I did the right thing db wise, but my confidence is shot now). So I skulked back in and apologized for upsetting her. Totally fell on the sword and said I didn't want to get her riled up and that although I felt justified in not accepting her behavior, I meant what I said yesterday. That I wanted to be a source of comfort not extra anxiety.
Well, I got what I deserved immediately. She lambasted my feelings and said she didn't need my "fake concern". Ouch. She said all kinds of pleasant things about me and I felt my old spot on the front step beckoning me back. I assured her that I was sincere. Asked her how she could accuse me of not caring or wanting to be comforting. And a bunch of other melty man vomit.
Then the epiphany slowly started coming to me. She said that she didn't NEED me. She had a bunch of good friends and her family who REALLY cared about her. They would be comfort enough. She said their concern and love for her wasn't just BS like mine apparently was.
I asked how she could say that and she started to open my eyes. She sai that she used to think she knew me. She used to think I really cared, but that for the last few months I haven't shown her any emotion at all. I haven't been kind at all to her. She thinks I'm in for some harsh reality. All this happy go lucky "I'm going to be fine" bologna I've been spouting is delusional and that I haven't looked into myself and seen how things really are. I am destined for a huge fall if I don't get some help figuring out my emotions (if she only knew how much help I've had). She said that I treat her with civility, but no kindness and she's been wondering just what I actually do feel for her.
In about a nanosecond that faint glow on the horizon turned into the white brilliant light of noon at the equator. This stuff is working! The ice queen is scared and confused. She is noticing and it's got her shaken!
My satisfaction felt like a warm bed on a freezing winter morning. But I knew it had to be savored in the moment. It will not last because I won't be able to sustain my efforts.
For the time being I did though. I told her that I did not need her either. That my positive outlook was not, in fact delusional at all. That I have been diligently examining my emotions for months. That my future will be bright regardless of our M. I told her that the lack of emotion she has recognized is due to the fact that I haven't any real emotion to share with her. Does she expet affection? Happiness and contentment? Love? Passion? I can't show what isn't there. Kindness? And what great acts of kindness has she shown me? I told her that my aloofness and detachment are EXACTLY what she wanted from me. She wanted her space, an end to smothering and pursuit. All this she has recieved from me. I asked her how she expected me to treat her? The iron curtain is hers not mine, but it's there and I have respected it.
This was my final true stand. I know that with the uncertainty of her health, I will wither under the fear and not be able to shoulder the guilt of thinking that I may be causing her grief and anxiety on top of everything else. If she is going to be ok, I will have to make up all my lost ground. If not, I will not abandon her and will suffer on in either limbo or revert to my old doormat ways to avoid causing her more pressure. It probably won't be long in that case.
If anybody has any suggestions for this I will be all ears.
That was a wonderful feeling for a little while. It felt like victory.
God bless all.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
AG, I am so sorry to hear pf this situation. When I started reading, I thought the same as you, "how could I NOT be there for her." It is the most selfless act you could provide. But then to hear her reaction would just have burned me to no end. She doesn't appear to appreciate it at all. Unbelievable.
I guess all you can do is try to be there for her and support her until no end. It is what you want to do and it is the right thing to do, even if she says she doesn't want it. i thin kshe really does. She is scared, and so would we be.
I'm sorry that this has gotten exponentially harder for you, but I think that you should be there for her no matter what she says. She has to be very scared and your support will help her more than anything, whether she admits it or not. She needs your support at this critical time and you need to be there for yourself too.
It's 4:30 am here and I am not too coherent anymore, so I hope that I have helped at least a little bit. Stick with your vows and please be there for her in this time of desperate need. It will help both of you immensely and will demonstrate that you truly do care, no matter what she thinks at the moment. I just can't believe that this is happening to you.
I am so sorry for this turn of events for you AG. On top of everything else, this is just unbelieveable. Hang in there man and stay strong. We are all pulling for you.
Goodman - I'm so sorry to read about this new turn of events. I have been through serious illnesses with 2 family members - one survived. People will say things they don't mean. She is scared and she is reacting to your db. I was told to keep my daughter away from one family member b/c there was no point in her getting to know her. I ignored what she said and we showed up on her doorstep. It was a real turning point for us and she knew I wasn't going to abandon her through her illness.
When my family members had to go through their ordeal, I thought about what I could do to make it easier for them. I knew I would have time to grieve or rejoice later, depending on the outcome. I'd like to believe that it helped both of them to get through their ordeals. And later, I rejoiced plenty for one and still grieve for the other.
I think you are right to backburner the R talks until her outcome is resolved. In a way, I still see it as DB because you are doing what you need to do to take care of you, and in these situation I believe what is best for you is to focus on them. You don't need to go overboard - just do what is comfortable and natural. As you said, nothing to cause more angst.
I'm really sad you've had this twist. It makes mine feel small in comparison. Please keep posting - you will need support too.
(((hugs)))
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Today, we had the longest R talk since this all started. She was pissy with me and I stood my ground (sort of, eventually). She tried to bait me and I called her on her CB, but then got baited back and had to walk away.
But with everything that I learned yesterday, my resolve is shot. I felt like a heel for upsetting her ( I know, I know. It was CB and I did the right thing db wise, but my confidence is shot now). So I skulked back in and apologized for upsetting her. Totally fell on the sword and said I didn't want to get her riled up and that although I felt justified in not accepting her behavior, I meant what I said yesterday. That I wanted to be a source of comfort not extra anxiety.
Well, I got what I deserved immediately. She lambasted my feelings and said she didn't need my "fake concern". Ouch. She said all kinds of pleasant things about me and I felt my old spot on the front step beckoning me back. I assured her that I was sincere. Asked her how she could accuse me of not caring or wanting to be comforting. And a bunch of other melty man vomit.
Then the epiphany slowly started coming to me. She said that she didn't NEED me. She had a bunch of good friends and her family who REALLY cared about her. They would be comfort enough. She said their concern and love for her wasn't just BS like mine apparently was.
I asked how she could say that and she started to open my eyes. She sai that she used to think she knew me. She used to think I really cared, but that for the last few months I haven't shown her any emotion at all. I haven't been kind at all to her. She thinks I'm in for some harsh reality. All this happy go lucky "I'm going to be fine" bologna I've been spouting is delusional and that I haven't looked into myself and seen how things really are. I am destined for a huge fall if I don't get some help figuring out my emotions (if she only knew how much help I've had). She said that I treat her with civility, but no kindness and she's been wondering just what I actually do feel for her.
In about a nanosecond that faint glow on the horizon turned into the white brilliant light of noon at the equator. This stuff is working! The ice queen is scared and confused. She is noticing and it's got her shaken!
My satisfaction felt like a warm bed on a freezing winter morning. But I knew it had to be savored in the moment. It will not last because I won't be able to sustain my efforts.
For the time being I did though. I told her that I did not need her either. That my positive outlook was not, in fact delusional at all. That I have been diligently examining my emotions for months. That my future will be bright regardless of our M. I told her that the lack of emotion she has recognized is due to the fact that I haven't any real emotion to share with her. Does she expet affection? Happiness and contentment? Love? Passion? I can't show what isn't there. Kindness? And what great acts of kindness has she shown me? I told her that my aloofness and detachment are EXACTLY what she wanted from me. She wanted her space, an end to smothering and pursuit. All this she has recieved from me. I asked her how she expected me to treat her? The iron curtain is hers not mine, but it's there and I have respected it.
This was my final true stand. I know that with the uncertainty of her health, I will wither under the fear and not be able to shoulder the guilt of thinking that I may be causing her grief and anxiety on top of everything else. If she is going to be ok, I will have to make up all my lost ground. If not, I will not abandon her and will suffer on in either limbo or revert to my old doormat ways to avoid causing her more pressure. It probably won't be long in that case.
If anybody has any suggestions for this I will be all ears.
That was a wonderful feeling for a little while. It felt like victory.
God bless all.
Goodman, I'm not normally a fan of R talks, and in fact was about to predict that she'd pull this after reading your "health scare/concern" post. But if you gotta have you, I think you nailed it.
Remember, what she is blowing at you is just SPEW. Fogged-out, devoid-of-any-reality SPEW. Best to just put on the spew raincoat, and smile and wave, which you did VERY well.
I will keep you AND your wife in my prayers this week, and I pray for a good outcome for her health. Just be there to support her in whatever way SHE WILL ALLOW. She will notice (and remember someday), and her family is going to notice, too. Just be your authentic self.
