So if the WAS has a script and they are in a fog why doesn't the LBS know their part in the script and how to fly in IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) conditions?
The WAS is confused, scared, stressed, angry, frustrated and irritable. Why would a LBS ask for a decision from them? Why would a LBS ask how they feel, for a hug or kiss, ask them to go to IC/MC? When you are stressed out do you want to make a decision or be asked to do one more thing?
Why would you not agree with them? It's how they feel, it's real to them. You defending your position is not going to change how they feel. It's just going to frustrate them more that you don't "see" them.
Flying in the weather depends on not believing some of the normal input you get and relying on instruments to give you data which you cross-check. Your eyes and inner ear will "lie" to you and you can't fly by the seat of your pants right now. So you have to discount those feelings and go with evidence provided by external sources. It can be very disorienting flying in the fog at first. You can feel like you are flying wings level but be in a nose-down 45 degree banked dive if you go by your feelings. The key is knowing what the instruments are telling you to fly wings level. More importantly you have to complete the mission regardless of the conditions. I can control my actions, knowledge, and skill and not let the fog deter me.
What lines do you want to know?
What skills and knowledge do you need to successfully navigate and fly thru all conditions?
When you think thru this it becomes apparent on what you need to do. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Your feeling are yours, fear will paralyze you. Think thru the fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and dispute your beliefs about why be afraid.
The so called vets (Pinheads :/) here want to help. We were in your shoes, we understand the issues, we believe in marriage and we believe in the DB techniques. You have to do the work on yourself and be willing to try something different.
How can we help you?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
More importantly you have to complete the mission regardless of the conditions. I can control my actions, knowledge, and skill and not let the fog deter me.
What lines do you want to know?
What skills and knowledge do you need to successfully navigate and fly thru all conditions?
When you think thru this it becomes apparent on what you need to do. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Your feeling are yours, fear will paralyze you. Think thru the fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and dispute your beliefs about why be afraid.
Validating and accepting your spouses feelings has to be the biggest issue I've managed to work through. I don't have to agree with them, or the reasoning behind them, but I sure as hell have to accept that's how my spouse feels.
So if the WAS has a script and they are in a fog why doesn't the LBS know their part in the script and how to fly in IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) conditions?
Great idea for a thread, Coach. The above jumped out at me, and even though the rest of your post went in a slightly different direction than I thought it was going to, I wanted to comment on the above.
I've long felt that the LBS doesn't take NEAR full advantage enough of just how PREDICTABLE the walkaway/wayward spouse's script is. If they are following a script (and they are), and their behavior is predictable (and it is), then why aren't us LBSs/BSs more prepared for the stuff we KNOW is coming??
I get a lot of credit for being able to "peek around corners," but it's REALLY not that difficult, if you'll just put a basic amount of study into these things.
My sitch is already on here but usually 3 pages deep and gets little review.
W couldn't decide on if she still wanted to be married. I did not want to be in limbo and filed.
Same house/same bed/10 sentences a day to each other/She works long hours when she doesn't have to. 99% sure no PA. 50% sure no EA.
She was elf destructive in June. ER visit for OTC drugs. Alcohol every night, etc. Last 2 weeks no pills whatsoever, no alcohol, no hiding in one room at home. We actually have sit down meals with kids. Still no movement on communication between her and I.
Do I just do the DB step of "nothing" and wait to see if GAL and 180s have any effect (yes I know they are for me, but many of us do it for two reasons)?
In the meantime I am being the best father I can. Bought all school supplies, was at school for 2 hours getting them registered, and I take them everywhere (fun) 3-4x per week.
What lines do I say when she says "how about a legal separation instead of a D because it would be quicker?"
When we have not talked for 6 hours, do I even say, "hi, what sounds good for supper?"
What say you Coach?
Last edited by Chuck66; 08/11/1008:53 PM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I still don't get how to predict what is coming next. We are getting separated, I havwe dropped the rope. What is next in the script? Do I just go back to Robx thread and read through it? Is there a thread that lays out the sequence of the script?
Sorry to be so dumb, but I would love to be able to predict what is coming next and take steps to prepare myself. Right now I feel like what is coming next is dividing our "stuff", settling the ownership of the house, the finalization of the D and moving on.
So if the WAS has a script and they are in a fog why doesn't the LBS know their part in the script and how to fly in IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) conditions?
Great idea for a thread, Coach. The above jumped out at me, and even though the rest of your post went in a slightly different direction than I thought it was going to, I wanted to comment on the above.
I've long felt that the LBS doesn't take NEAR full advantage enough of just how PREDICTABLE the walkaway/wayward spouse's script is. If they are following a script (and they are), and their behavior is predictable (and it is), then why aren't us LBSs/BSs more prepared for the stuff we KNOW is coming??
I get a lot of credit for being able to "peek around corners," but it's REALLY not that difficult, if you'll just put a basic amount of study into these things.
Puppy
Yes, that is the real discussion. Know your part. Once you see how your woman feels you can "know what they are thinking" and anticipate your next move. It's like having the playbook. It's also attractive when you are paying attention, listening and are tuned in. The dynamics change very quickly. Know your situation and become aware. Aware of the vibe you are projecting, their feelings, what they really are saying and your responses back. It's not glib, it needs to be sincere but without expectation - that's confidence. Something that projects a little confidence too is keeping your sense of humor.
What projects confidence - she spews all over you and you hold your ground, validate, enforce boundaries, callout mindreading, respond with compassion and still you walk away first without any needs from her.
I wanted a dialouge on this because it's been on my mind and "Newcomers" seems to me to be a little stuck right now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
