I can't force her out. She's on the mortgage as well as I am. She'll just dig in her heals. And I don't want to leave my home.
You assumed alot there. Enjoy limbo.
So I give her the "It's not working speech, with a 2 week deadline." She doesn't want to move out that quickly, how can I move her out? Pack her stuff up? Be a jerk? She's already complained that she feels I'm kicking her out. I'm trying to be assertive with her, but other than me leaving my house, which I won't do, I don't see any alternative.
So in order to get her out in 2 weeks I should:
1. Tolerate her foot-dragging and hope she decides to move by then. 2. Physically move her stuff out, change the locks, etc. 3. Be firm in our discussions, with nothing to back them up however. 4. Move out myself, risking a charge of abandonment which will hurt my chances at custody.
You can start by completely eliminating from your thought process, whether or not she thinks you're a "jerk."
I'm not saying to intentionally BE one -- in fact, you should be cordial and polite -- but that she may THINK you're being one should have NOT ONE WHIT to do with your decision-making process.
Aye, worrying about her opinion is unproductive. I was just thinking that by acting like a jerk, she'd be more motivated to move away, sooner. But it wouldn't work, she knows I'm not a jerk, and all it would do is reinforce the fact that she has such a strong influence on me.
I'm confused about how to balance all the different advice.
Just be gone.
Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.
So I have spent more time away from the house and not talking to her. Now I will be moving. now I am reading to pay attention, listen and tune in.
How do I balance all this?
Sometimes I feel like I have dropped the rope, but lots of times I don't either. I know I don't validate like I should, somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.
I've tried to follow links of guys that are slightly ahead of me in the process, but things are never exactly the same and we sometimes leap-frog each other.
I just don't know anymore. All I get from her is cold. We did get into it a bit after our court date last week Tuesday. We talked for quite a while in the middle of the afternoon when my brother was at my house. It wasn't very productive. We never seem to have time alone anymore because the kids stay up so late now that we go to bed just about the same time they do.
I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out. And continuing to talk about it seems to make it harder for me to drop the rope completely.
I think it will be much easier once I am out of the house. I won't be talking to her unless it is about transferring the kids or if she bring something up. My understanding is that that is the right way to proceed?
My sitch isn't resolved, so obviously I'm no expert, but I am learning. I was very confused at the beginning too, and I made some mistakes. I was pretty good about not pursuing, and GALing, but my biggest mistake was not setting and enforcing strong boundaries. I think if I was able to do that from the beginning, I would have shaved a year off my sitch.
The key is to try your best to turn the tables in your mind. Take ALL pressure off her. Let her feel your loss, let her wonder what's going on in YOUR head. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, with grace and dignity and strength. If she crosses a boundary, decisively let her know. If she comes to you to talk, THAT's when to pay attention and tune in. Listen, validate, let her feel that you care about her. If she tries to unfairly blame you, call her on that crap. Be strong, use humor, show her a confident man, then be gone again. If she hits you with things you're not expecting, just say "Hmmm... I need to think about that, I'll get back to you."
Try to imagine that YOU'RE the one who's not that interested, make HER work to get YOUR attention, but when you decide to give it to her, be there 100%. Make every interaction with her positive, even consider enforcement of a boundary a POSITIVE thing. Just because she throws a little fit doesn't mean it wasn't positive. She will respect you for it.
When you're so emotionally wrapped up it's virtually impossible to get into the right mindset. Trust me, I know! That's why detachment is so important. Create a vision of your future without her in it, and MAKE IT a GOOD THING. That was the secret to detachment for me. Although we all hate the idea of our M ending, there are some good things about not being M. Marriage means certain restrictions and obligations, in exchange for certain comforts and security. It's a trade off.
So I give her the "It's not working speech, with a 2 week deadline." She doesn't want to move out that quickly, how can I move her out? Pack her stuff up? Be a jerk? She's already complained that she feels I'm kicking her out.
Enforcement of a boundary is NOT being a jerk. Took me my whole life up until about six months ago to finally understand that!
I'm confused about how to balance all the different advice.
Just be gone.
Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.
So I have spent more time away from the house and not talking to her. Now I will be moving. now I am reading to pay attention, listen and tune in.
How do I balance all this?
Sometimes I feel like I have dropped the rope, but lots of times I don't either. I know I don't validate like I should, somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.
I've tried to follow links of guys that are slightly ahead of me in the process, but things are never exactly the same and we sometimes leap-frog each other.
I just don't know anymore. All I get from her is cold. We did get into it a bit after our court date last week Tuesday. We talked for quite a while in the middle of the afternoon when my brother was at my house. It wasn't very productive. We never seem to have time alone anymore because the kids stay up so late now that we go to bed just about the same time they do.
I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out. And continuing to talk about it seems to make it harder for me to drop the rope completely.
I think it will be much easier once I am out of the house. I won't be talking to her unless it is about transferring the kids or if she bring something up. My understanding is that that is the right way to proceed?
My sitch isn't resolved, so obviously I'm no expert, but I am learning. I was very confused at the beginning too, and I made some mistakes. I was pretty good about not pursuing, and GALing, but my biggest mistake was not setting and enforcing strong boundaries. I think if I was able to do that from the beginning, I would have shaved a year off my sitch.
The key is to try your best to turn the tables in your mind. Take ALL pressure off her. Let her feel your loss, let her wonder what's going on in YOUR head. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, with grace and dignity and strength. If she crosses a boundary, decisively let her know. If she comes to you to talk, THAT's when to pay attention and tune in. Listen, validate, let her feel that you care about her. If she tries to unfairly blame you, call her on that crap. Be strong, use humor, show her a confident man, then be gone again. If she hits you with things you're not expecting, just say "Hmmm... I need to think about that, I'll get back to you."
Try to imagine that YOU'RE the one who's not that interested, make HER work to get YOUR attention, but when you decide to give it to her, be there 100%. Make every interaction with her positive, even consider enforcement of a boundary a POSITIVE thing. Just because she throws a little fit doesn't mean it wasn't positive. She will respect you for it.
When you're so emotionally wrapped up it's virtually impossible to get into the right mindset. Trust me, I know! That's why detachment is so important. Create a vision of your future without her in it, and MAKE IT a GOOD THING. That was the secret to detachment for me. Although we all hate the idea of our M ending, there are some good things about not being M. Marriage means certain restrictions and obligations, in exchange for certain comforts and security. It's a trade off.
Yes, it's the highly-coveted (and Not Available in Stores) "Puppy's '4 Whistles' Award!"
Pinhead, sorry to jump in here, but Coach and Pupppy, tbart is on the edge of possible reconciliation and I was wondering if you guys could take a look at his thread and give him some advice. I have absolutely no experience with piecing.
I agree that was well put. As tough as it is moving foward is probbly the best thing to do. Who knows what can happen in the end; except that our future could be better either way.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If you could do me a favor and check out my last couple of posts and maybe give me some insights. Is she softening a little or just feeling guilty? Were there any moments like this with you and Greek?
It seems like we're on the brink of something. Good or bad, either way is better than this. Or, am I over analyzing?
