Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

If you take time to notice people it's win-win. It takes confidence to do this and it's attractive.

[Ready2Change]

Here's what worked for me- exposing the affair publicly- to his family, his workplace, his friends, her family and friends, etc- I used Facebook and in person contact. Yes, he was very angry at first. Then I stopped contacting him completely, and let him stew in his own mess at the OW's house. He lasted about a week there. It probably helped that she has bratty children and that she quit her job, so he was around them all 24/7. I also got a life. I hired a babysitter and started going out.

Last week, I went to our local pub all by myself and made lots of friends. I would not recommend what I did to anyone else, necessarily, but I'd been drinking: I met one of Mr. RT's underlings at work, and made out with him. I brought him home with me. When we arrived at my house, Mr. RT was lurking about outside- he saw who I'd come home with and flipped out. It was a massive shock to him, and he got a taste of what I'd been going through. Within a day or two, he was begging to come home- he was miserable at OW's house, and realized that he didn't want me to be with anyone else.

We called the OW and I listened to him end it with her. She was upset, and she and I had 'words' on through Facebook. Nasty, nasty words- using things he'd told me about her, I ripped her to shreds- I insulted her kids, her parenting, her housekeeping, her morals- everything. In any case, I'm quite sure that Mr. RT and OW are finished for good.

Mr. RT and I have had an amazing week. He called my parents and apologized, apologized to his bosses, talked to the padre about getting help for his problems, quit his side job at the pub, and has generally been full of remorse and out of the 'fog'. We are going out together this evening, and there's a good chance that OW will be there, so we'll see how that goes- could be interesting.

In conclusion, I would have to say that DB-ing, when done quickly and correctly, is very effective. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now, it's looking pretty good.

[Ready2Change]

Congrats, RT! Yeah, the exposure thing does work, but in hindsight, I wish I would have exposed to a slightly smaller circle of people (I would have omitted MY family, and some not-very-close friends), but other than that, I have NO REGRETS. I fought for my marriage, IT WORKED, and my wife even THANKED ME for fighting for her!

Please continue to post, and follow Allen's advice about FT (preferably with a MC/FT with specific training in dealing with infidelity) and transparency. It's IMPERATIVE, as -- without it -- the recidivism rate for affairs is VERY high. But WITH it, you guys have a great shot at building your marriage even better than ever!!

[Ready2Change]

...Guys (and girls) please fill us in - what attracts a man? If we can put all women in one basket as wanting a strong, confident man, surely there are some traits that men look for. Help us gals out.

This is always an interesting topic. If you are asking about attracting a new man into your life, first impressions are huge.

1) Start off by living a healthy lifestyle. Make healthy choices when eating. Drink plenty of water. Get good sleep. Exercise regularly. Take care of your body. Alcohol in moderation. Set a goal to reach, and then maintain, your ideal weight.

2) Make good grooming and hygiene a ritual. Accentuate the differences between the sexes.

3) Dress with style - fit, compliment, cohesive, unique, personal touch

4) Attitude (state of mind) – Happy (smile), Cool (Open and relaxed body language), Calm (slow), Confident (eye contact), humorous, seductive (ozz sex), Depth (mysterious, surprise ), Sincere , Interesting, Engaging

5) Awareness/Flirting ( 93% of communication is non verbal (body language) – study and enjoy what you find attractive and your body will naturally follow your thoughts. It is the ladies job to catch and hold a mans eye, several times if needed. This signals it is OK for him to approach. It is the mans job to approach the woman.

6) Social proof - Enjoy interacting with everyone, especially attractive members of the opposite sex. Maintain your personal boundaries with everyone.

PS: This is my list of how to attract a female. I find the same things attractive in a female. It will most likely make you more attractive to the WAS also....

[Ready2Change]

I told him I wasn't leaving. He wants to know who told me and why? Do I tell him? One small problem is we never signed the lease (long story) so I could get kicked out anyway.

He wants to know who told you NOT to move?

You told yourself. You simply say, "No one told me. This is my home. I've decided that even if we're going through a rough time right now, I am not leaving MY home because I am NOT the one who wants to leave this M."

And he may ask more questions. Your response is, "I've decided that I'm not going to leave my home."

He may ask again, "Who told you to do this?"

Your response, "No one. I'VE DECIDED that I'm not going to leave my home."

[Ready2Change]

It takes TWO to escalate. If you are serious when you say "This conversation is over until you're ready to calm down and discuss it calmly, like adults" or whatever, then how does it escalate?

[Ready2Change]

What helped me was challenging some of my dysfunctional beliefs (things I was taught, learned or a coping mechanism I had but wasn't working) and trying something new for myself. Woman and men don't think, act, talk or walk the same - understand the differences. Learn what women find attractive and what they need from their man. What I learned was it wasn't what I thought. We are both happy now.

[Ready2Change]

If she has anything constructive to share, I'll listen, but won't spend much time listening to her complain about the failures of last night.

A woman needs a man that can listen to her. That creates emotional connection when you can withstand her feelings. She can sense that you think you failed - not attractive - so I would bet she will test you on last night again. Validate her but don't let her tell you what you think, feel or believe. That why you call her out on the "thoughtless" comment, she's mind reading because she wants to know what you are thinking.

It's OK for her to feel anything she wants. You aren't responsible for her feelings.

Don't let last night be a big deal. It wasn't a failure. It was just unhealthy dialogue that can be improved.

[Ready2Change]

Types of Convos

Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:

1) NEGATIVE ones. Blame-making, re-writing marital history, angry outbursts, fight-picking, etc. 'nuff said.

2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.

3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.

4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.

5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?

[Ready2Change]

You want to put a lot of exposure pressure on this woman too... Make sure everyone at work knows this woman is attacking your marriage and you have invited her to back off but she refused.

Her "I don't know what to say" is a passive aggressive "no"... Assume she has refused and act as if she rejected your offer.

The OW needs the fight taken to her doorstep.. Expose to her parents if you have to.