Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

I got told by H that "I don't understand him and don't care" when I tried to be upbeat and he was down.

Come on people that's mind-reading - when someone else tells you what you think, believe or feel.

"You don't understand>" - "I can see how from your perpsective it might seem that way. So help me. What is it you want me to understand?"

"You don't care." - "I understand you feel that way. I want you to know I do care. Why is it you feel like I don't care."


yes, the reason they feel like that is because they feel like they are not being listened to or seen. Why would someone mindread? become aware of why and how this occurs.

[Ready2Change]

The WAW will always refer to "the other problems in the M". She feels "that" is the basis of what's happening .....not her A.

So, do you know what problems she's referring to? I dare say it includes every year you've been M.

Let me throw this in free of charge. I talked to my H for years, trying to get him more involved in our R. I needed emotional intimacy but he didn't have a clue as to how to do that. By the time I was in an EA my feeling for him was in the trash can. But that was when he came to life....when he discovered OM. I think most WAW's involved in an EA, have a feeling of resentfulness toward their H for waiting until things got to the point of OM entering the picture before he begins to open his eyes & ears to what's going on in the MR. The WAW is thinking, "So this is what it took to wake you up"! The problem is that she may feel it's too little too late.

I'm not defending her but rather trying to enlighten you on what she may be feeling. She will deny OM/EA b/c that is easier. If you have solid proof then she will have an attitude of "So...what of it?" Then she'll try to reverse everything to make you out to be the bad guy. So, be prepared.

[Ready2Change]

In the first paragraph of your thread, it was clear to me that your W was past desperate for happiness. If you worked up to 16 hrs a day, that didn't leave much time for the two of you. Something tells me that she longed for romance but you were either too tired, too broke, or not interested. Then you waited too late, so she decided to see what it would take to shake you awake. But here's the thing....she wanted to see a knight in shinning armor come charging in and knock the OM on his butt, then sweep her up into his arms and go off into the sunset. You didn't do what she wanted. You didn't do anything like she wanted, even when OM was staying all night in your home with your W. She kept pushing OM at you b/c she wanted you to beat the snot out of him! She wanted to know you were jealous of her! She wanted a hero!

You were trying to make her see what a nice guy you are and how dedicated you are to making the M work....regardless of what she did....even with another man. But you see, that does not come off as being a nice guy, it comes off as you being worse than an old wore out doormat that just keeps laying there allowing people to wipe their sh*t on him. That ain't exactly sexy and it sure won't draw her to you.

You aren't being nice. You are being passive. If there is one thing that will turn a woman off...it is a passive man. In every paragraph you wrote, you told us how passive you really are and how you are allowing her to bully you. What do you mean she won't let you have access to the account to pay for dental care? Have some gumption, boy!

[Ready2Change]

Now, get to a doctor and tell him that you are going days without sleep and having suicidal thoughts. He will give you meds that will help a lot....and if they don't help a lot, go back and tell him it didn't work and to give you something different. You have to get his attention and let him know how serious this is, okay? Then we'll get busy and get you to working toward a better life!

[Ready2Change]

More importantly you have to complete the mission regardless of the conditions. I can control my actions, knowledge, and skill and not let the fog deter me.

What lines do you want to know?

What skills and knowledge do you need to successfully navigate and fly thru all conditions?

When you think thru this it becomes apparent on what you need to do. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Your feeling are yours, fear will paralyze you. Think thru the fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and dispute your beliefs about why be afraid.

R2C, sticky that sucka!!

Puppy, you (and anyone else) are free to sticky all words of wisdom in this thread too....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't want to screw it up, LOL!

btw, thanks for doing this, in case no one's said so.

[Ready2Change]

I'm confused about how to balance all the different advice.

Just be gone.

Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.

So I have spent more time away from the house and not talking to her. Now I will be moving. now I am reading to pay attention, listen and tune in.

How do I balance all this?

Sometimes I feel like I have dropped the rope, but lots of times I don't either. I know I don't validate like I should, somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.

I've tried to follow links of guys that are slightly ahead of me in the process, but things are never exactly the same and we sometimes leap-frog each other.

I just don't know anymore. All I get from her is cold. We did get into it a bit after our court date last week Tuesday. We talked for quite a while in the middle of the afternoon when my brother was at my house. It wasn't very productive. We never seem to have time alone anymore because the kids stay up so late now that we go to bed just about the same time they do.

I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out. And continuing to talk about it seems to make it harder for me to drop the rope completely.

I think it will be much easier once I am out of the house. I won't be talking to her unless it is about transferring the kids or if she bring something up. My understanding is that that is the right way to proceed?

My sitch isn't resolved, so obviously I'm no expert, but I am learning. I was very confused at the beginning too, and I made some mistakes. I was pretty good about not pursuing, and GALing, but my biggest mistake was not setting and enforcing strong boundaries. I think if I was able to do that from the beginning, I would have shaved a year off my sitch.

The key is to try your best to turn the tables in your mind. Take ALL pressure off her. Let her feel your loss, let her wonder what's going on in YOUR head. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, with grace and dignity and strength. If she crosses a boundary, decisively let her know. If she comes to you to talk, THAT's when to pay attention and tune in. Listen, validate, let her feel that you care about her. If she tries to unfairly blame you, call her on that crap. Be strong, use humor, show her a confident man, then be gone again. If she hits you with things you're not expecting, just say "Hmmm... I need to think about that, I'll get back to you."

Try to imagine that YOU'RE the one who's not that interested, make HER work to get YOUR attention, but when you decide to give it to her, be there 100%. Make every interaction with her positive, even consider enforcement of a boundary a POSITIVE thing. Just because she throws a little fit doesn't mean it wasn't positive. She will respect you for it.

When you're so emotionally wrapped up it's virtually impossible to get into the right mindset. Trust me, I know! That's why detachment is so important. Create a vision of your future without her in it, and MAKE IT a GOOD THING. That was the secret to detachment for me. Although we all hate the idea of our M ending, there are some good things about not being M. Marriage means certain restrictions and obligations, in exchange for certain comforts and security. It's a trade off.

[Ready2Change]

What is the key to validate without adding things from myself?

I understand...

I can see....

I hear you saying ......

What would make you feel_______________?

How can I help you?

Read "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Google his name and do some reading on explanatory styles.

You really don't know what your H thinks, feels or believes. Would you be here if you did? When in doubt ask him.

[Ready2Change]

She snapped "I'll probably be asleep when you get home,"

She didn't ask a question so it doesn't require a response. She's testing him by being snappy. The test requires a response. "Sounds to me like you could use some sleep." Said with a cheerful voice, spin around with your gym bag and head out the door. You acknowledge her, let her know her CB doesn't bother you and you are a busy man. That show's confidence and a little humor. You don't let her behavior bring you down or affect you. But you don't reward it.

[Ready2Change]

...Discussing the logistics of separation....Everything in my gut tells me I should initiate a R conversation... what I have learned from DB and the forum says act cool and just proceed like it does not overly affect me....She knows I don't want this...I know there is probably no point in re stating this...Is there a proper way to just come out one last time and say. "I am going ahead with this even though I believe it to be completely unnecessary and something we will both regret" or do I just act like I am completely ok with the separation and just focus on what i need to do.

You've answered all of your own questions here. She will SEE what you are doing (ACTIONS, not WORDS, remember?) and she's free to stop you if and whenever she wishes.

If you make a speech or some grand pronouncement about it, then EVERYTHING you've listed above will just appear to be some sort of "tactic" by you to get her back, and you will have wasted all of your positive moves.

As Coach says, "Lead." She already knows how you feel.