In my H's case, the blaming everything on others, esp. the LBS, was strong up to and during Replay, and after that the counsellor helped him to begin to recognize his own part in things.
The feeling like a victim began when his mother died (the trigger point for his MLC), continued throughout, and got stronger as he reached Acceptance ("Why did this have to happen to ME?"). It was only some months after recommitting to the marriage and learning not to think like a teenager that he was able to take responsibility for what he'd done, and so feel more in control of his life.
Likewise, the selfishness was almost unendurable during the Anger and Replay stages, but even when he began to become aware of my feelings, it was only fleetingly. Generally he was as caught up in his own emotions as a teenaged boy, and this tapered off for 6-9 months after his MLC ended.
My H also went back to many of the things he'd enjoyed as a teenager (interspersed with modern teenage music). This does make sense, because the MLCer is using the teenaged parts of his brain and trying to build the building blocks that were bypassed the first time through.
Remember, your W's relationship with your kids is hers, and not your responsibility. All the same, because of your kids' ages, this will be harder for them to forgive (and to avoid judging). I hope that your growing sense of compassion will infect them as well, in the same way they would show compassion to a person with mental illness.
So I was wondering if the blaming everything on the LBS and the feeling like a victim and the selfishness and feeling of entitlement is all through the Replay stage?
As Cyrena has said these are all elements of MLC. I would agree that they are strongest during replay, and I think they continue through the breaking of withdrawal or finshing acceptance. It might depend on what the replay antics are and whether the MLC'er is high or low energy.
Recconection ususally occurs towards the end of replay. Animals or house, then kids , finally spouse. Reconnection should not be confused with reconcilliation which occurs after the breaking of withdrawal.
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I'm assuming that this is very common also in MLC? To return to people from that time in your life that you are trying to get back to?
She later was abused sexually by her older brother and her step dad as well as others so all of these things certainly contributed to her being unable to complete the entire process of growing up during her adolescence.
Ken I can say from personal experience with this issue that it was almost inevitable that your W had her crisis.
I am not an expert and no one here will tell you your W is in MLC. You should come to your own conclusion on that.
Your journey is what is important.
That is the work we do here.
Understanding, gaining compassion and healing.
Your coming back to understand an continue this is a courageous decision and one
I think you will be amazed at what you discover in yourself.
Regarding your kids this comes from a wise poster here called Grace:
Your job is not to repair the relationship they have with their mother.
your job is not to damage it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Ken - I'm going through the same thing - not sure who the OW or OWs are - but everything is my fault. He has "put up" with me all these years. It's "his turn" My kids are close to the same age as yours - but my youngest is 16. H texts them maybe once or twice a day - maybe calls a couple times a week. But he is the "happiest" he has ever been to everyone else. My Ds say its creepy because he has left us all behind and crushed. Unfortunately from what everyone says here - this is their "normal". Heartbreaking is a continuous state of being for the LBS and their kids - at least in my opinion. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
They are not who you knew through this. That is the alien we talk about. They have to go through the stages. It is the only way. Read, read and read some more. Then you will see if things fit for MLC.
I have been dealing with a wife with MLC for over 10 months. My story was placed under newcomers under what do i do now. This process has taken every waking moment trying to understand this disorder through reading material. I have learned that you can not change the person or have them come to the table. I learned that I can only take care of myself and my kids. This disorder can take months or years to cure. In some cases it never is cured. I must admit I resent my wife more each day because I was a good and faithful husband for 26 years. I miss the woman I had but the person I loved is someone I do not know anymore. I am in the phase of filing for divorce because I can not deal with someone who does not have the capacity to understand there is a big problem here. I pray each day for strength to get through tomorrow. Bobby O
Your W at this time truly does not have the capacity to understand. Any understanding must come from you.
If you would like to start your own thread over here and give us some background details on your sitch there are lots of wise folks here that would be glad to walk this journey with you.
We deal mainly with the journey of the LBS here, but you will gain much insight to what your MLCer is going through.
One thing we can help you with if you let ua is how and why to stop resenting your W. It keeps you from running your train off the track in bittersville.
I am not very computer smart and do not no how to get my thread over to this post. I feel better seeing that there are people like me going through this. I just wish I knew when and if she will come back to me. My son is coming home from Iraq in 2 weeks and that will be one stress off our plate. My wife and I are still living in the same house but are staying in separate rooms and have been for 10 months.She starts Dental Hygiene class in a week. My wife seems more civil to me and now will tell me where she is going. She has not included me in her plans as far as going places with her. We did attend a wedding 3 weeks ago which she asked me to attend. We had a great time. The next day she told me not to read into things. She had said then she still wanted a divorce. My lawyer has told me there is too much anger on both our parts. He felt we should table things until we could come up with a plan we could both live with. She at times seems like she is returning and then I lose her. It reminds of the movie The Notebook. I appreciate any insight I can get. I am taking care of myself. Well to all you good people out there; thanks for the kind words. Bobby O
Go up to the top of the this page and click on new reply to start a thread of your own.
I'm sure Cadet would be glad to explain the process to link up your old thread to your new one. You can even leave a message on your old one and link up to let your friends know where to find you. It's not hard to do, but Cadet can explain it so it's easy to understand where as I might confuse you.
Please consider starting your own thread here. You will find answers to a lot of your questions and we won't be hijacking Ken's thread anymore.
