Coach, stupid question but how did you go about this quest to learn what women find attractive?
CONFIDENCE
This by and far is the key. Women want to feel safe. A man that is confident projects that magnetism. A confident man is busy taking care of his home, career, body, cars, spirit, finances, mind and kids. When a woman sees her man handling his business and taking care of things it's attractive. Women nag when things aren't being taken care of, it's her way of letting you know what is on her mind. The problem is if you are a "nice guy" or pleaser you don't want to burden your wife with your problems because it might upset her. This makes her feel unsettled (not safe) because you are not being honest with her and you are avoiding her feelings. How can she feel safe if you can't stand up to her feelings?
One thing that was a huge 180 for me was how I reacted to my wife's worrying. I used to try and fix it, explain to her why she shouldn't feel that way and then tell her what I would do. (Women do you understand why men have this desire to fix things for you?) So the solution now is to really listen to her, try to understand her POV and then ask a probing open-ended question: "How can I help/support you with that?" It was eye-opening to me to find out alot of times that I wasn't expected to do anything except listen.
How to build confidence- get busy, take action, do something and talk about it.
Physical- strength training (it works wonders on the young men I coach), look good, dress like a man, walk tall, join a team
Mental- keep learning, read, take a class
Emotional - love yourself, know yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, let go of fear, be a good partner, become intimate
Spiritual - understand your light and dark sides, challenge your view of God, embrace quiet, pray, be grateful
What else is attractive? Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee). Have a sense of humor and know when to use it. Build excitement into your life. Don't be to predictable. Be responsible for yourself. You define your legacy.
When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful.
Like to here more thoughts on what is attractive. I think the men here would like to her from the women and vice-versa.
You can handle it. Strength and Honor.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
1. Looks. You don't have to be a supermodel, but in reasonably good shape for your age, nicely dressed and groomed. We're all visual creatures, so sorry if that offends anyone.
2. Confidence/flirtiness. If a woman has that zing to her, it makes up a lot in the looks department. Confidence in a woman is very attractive.
3. Humor. A lot of men are actually quite shy around women, so a good sense of humor can do wonders to break the ice, as well as resolve potential conflicts.
4. Openness. Men don't understand women very well. So be open and direct about yourself. Mystery is fine to some degree, and there should always be some mystery to a women.
I think this whole paragraph would apply to men - but maybe the men can comment on if they agree or not.
Quote:
What else is attractive? Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee). Have a sense of humor and know when to use it. Build excitement into your life. Don't be to predictable. Be responsible for yourself. You define your legacy.
When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I was going to add that respect is attractive but after thinking about it what I really mean by that is summed up here:
Quote:
One thing that was a huge 180 for me was how I reacted to my wife's worrying. I used to try and fix it, explain to her why she shouldn't feel that way and then tell her what I would do. (Women do you understand why men have this desire to fix things for you?) So the solution now is to really listen to her, try to understand her POV and then ask a probing open-ended question: "How can I help/support you with that?" It was eye-opening to me to find out alot of times that I wasn't expected to do anything except listen.
If I approach him with a problem and he either writes it off or thinks there is a quick fix it feels like he doesn't respect me enough (or LISTEN) to really understand what I am saying. My fears and worries are not silly and I can't just 'not think about them' <-his solution.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Question for you. In your sitch, did you find your W not being attracted to you anymore? Did you have to work on your confidence and "manhood" so to speak?
You have a TON of posts so I was wondering if you could share this without me having to go look through them.
I really like reading posts like this, just like the other thread, LBS Script & Flying on Instruments. I re- read those, try to memorize them. Always helpful in getting me on the right track, particularly when I feel Ive not stayed on tracking DBing.
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
What else is attractive? Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee). Have a sense of humor and know when to use it. Build excitement into your life. Don't be to predictable. Be responsible for yourself. You define your legacy.
agreed. this is part of the 'taking charge' part. when you take charge or make plans, you are leading and this is what will set you apart from the "boys".
Quote:
When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful.
do you think this part applies to both men and women?
i think it does. a woman who is in control when your world is collapsing around you? heck ya.
thanks PH for the list of things that make a woman attractive. very good list.
One thing that was a huge 180 for me was how I reacted to my wife's worrying. I used to try and fix it, explain to her why she shouldn't feel that way and then tell her what I would do. (Women do you understand why men have this desire to fix things for you?) So the solution now is to really listen to her, try to understand her POV and then ask a probing open-ended question: "How can I help/support you with that?" It was eye-opening to me to find out alot of times that I wasn't expected to do anything except listen.
I think that this applies to both sides, because this is something my exbf used to do and it annoyed me no end, I didn't want his solutions, I just wanted him to listen, understand the weight of my problem and comfort me. Now I realize that I sometimes do that to my H myself.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
