Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

hm,

Do you all still struggle with what I'm struggling with this evening--that sense of being discarded

Yes.

...and unworthy?

No. You are (I am) worthy. You are enough. And you matter. You were wronged; you are not wrong.

I can't say I miss xH, really; I'm not even sure if I miss being married, because it wasn't at all what I expected or wanted it to be in spite of trying really, really hard to make it so

Good. You're healing.

I suppose I miss my dreams, then, of what I thought marriage and family would be...

Now you're getting at/to that which you really, understandably mourn and grieve.

...and I feel like a failure

Stop. That. Now.

...finding myself as isolated at 54 as I was at 24. There's something about being told all the things we were told in the end that tends to make one feel fundamentally flawed...

And all of which was guilt-shifting, guilt-assuaging bullsh!t!!

but I'm so ready not to see myself as someone who got dumped and is still struggling to get some kind of life back. Do you ever feel that way? when do we get to feel whole again?

You didn't "get dumped." I didn't "get dumped." We were left by people who lost their way or who were never who they presented themselves to be. I get to feel whole again when I decide to feel whole again. I am enough. I matter. I was wronged and had sacred vows disregarded and spit in my face. And it was not about me. And it was not about you. It was - and is - and will remain - about them!.

Screw dating until you are ready - AND DON"T NEED IT .
Be You! Hoosiermama. Alone. Whole. Enough.
Pity parties are okay. As long as they are few, far between and short. I'm doing so much better, but I must admit that after almost two years, it still takes up a majority of my daily thinking. You and I will be further along when we are further along. Who puts a time-limit on healing?
Heal. In your time. As an unflawed, unlacking, eventually-fine-to-be-alone, whole person..
Just you. Alone. Fine.
It all (re)starts from there.
Time.
Your time, hm.
However much time you need.
Just don't wallow. Ditch the negative BS. Again: You were maliciously, selfishly wronged. You are not wrong. You are not the one who's malicious. You are not the one who is selfish.
Move forward.
Baby steps.
And celebrate each and every one of them.
You are inherently good and decent and lovable.
Period.

And yes, that is the highly-coveted "Puppy's 4 Whistles Award," which gets handed out, like, NEVER.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

so you got hit hard. you dropped to the ground. what do you do now?
you have two choices: you either lay on the ground and say oh poor me. or you get up and dust yourself off as quickly as you can and keep going.

hint: the longer you stay lying on the ground, the more unattractive you look and ruins all the work you did on your appearance.

[Ready2Change]

to W: "While I understand and share your concerns, I have decided that time will not build a stronger partnership for us - only committing to make the necessary changes will do that. You are clearly unwilling to do that so I have decided to move forward with making a life apart from you."

You could tell her in person, but don't linger. You have to be somewhere so you can't stay. Say it and go. Don't take calls, don't answer texts unless there is a question about kids or money. Do you have L? If not, get one. Start driving this bus.

She doesn't think you will. She may be thinking that she has more Time. Absent a deadline, she may never know what she wants. Give her today as the drop dead date. Best case scenario - she moves in your direction. Worst case - well, what could be worse than where you are now?

[Ready2Change]

She doesn't respect or trust you because you are emotionally weak. She really needs this from you and you aren't providing it to her.

She's a addict, liar, adulteress and behaving badly and she sees you fall in a heap when she really needs you. I strong man would tell her these things are unacceptable in his life and that his woman won't act this way. A woman can do amazing things to be with a man she is attracted to. If you really love this woman then start by loving and respecting yourself. She is watching you.

[Ready2Change]

The way I look at it, you really don't know WHAT she will do when you tell her you've had enough of having a sword hanging over her head. You have not delivered that speech or followed through on it before or yet so you don't know what she will do. But you have to mean it when you say it, b/c she'll test it and doubt it and swat at your resolve b/c she's seen you waiver before. Not this time. This time is different and she needs to FEEL THE IMPACT of how different this moment in time is.

[Ready2Change]

What happened when you took that stand?

She squirmed and b*tched and moaned and screamed bloody murder at first, that I refused to sit down and talk to her. Eventually, over the course of a few weeks, as she saw that I was NOT going to be either bullied nor sweet-talked (and she tried both approaches) into sitting down and having an R talk with her, she eventually stopped trying.

I confronted my wife within 24 hours of having proof she was having an affair.

I exposed her affair within 24 hours to our adult daughters, and within two weeks to her family and her employer.

I re-confronted her on Day 60, and laid out a "No More Deceit" boundary, telling her "either you tell our daughters and your parents the truth about your relationship with (OM), or I will." I had evidence, and I told her she had five minutes to decide. Within two hours, she had told all four of them the truth -- that she wasn't "just friends" with OM, and that Puppy hadn't been lying when I told them she was having an affair.

About a week later (around Day 70), I filed for divorce, after my wife stubbornly refused to end her affair.

On Day 90, she ended her affair, and asked "what will it take?" to reconcile. I laid out my short-list of non-negotiable boundaries, and we reconciled.

There were several fits-and-starts after that, with the divorce initially being put on two 3-month "stays" before finally being withdrawn. We also separated for a couple of weeks about a year ago, and agreed to date other people, but that was short-lived, and after one "date" (drinks with a former co-worker) I agreed to move back in with her to work on our marriage. We did some MCing, still struggle with the SSM thing, but have remained great friends and partners ever since, and celebrated both our 25th wedding anniversary and the birth of our first granddaughter this Spring.

Interestingly, when my wife tearfully asked for reconciliation (and thereafter), she told me that although she HATED me at the time, and was LIVID with me for exposing her affair, she understood why I did it, RESPECTED me for it, and THANKED ME for fighting for our marriage!

[Ready2Change]

If anyone out there has ideas for doing some stuff that is spontaneous and fun let me know. I am trying to do things and invite her along but still go if she doesn't want to go. I got the basic ones like dinner, movies, baseball games, card game with friends, etc. I am looking for something that would be unique and "out of character" of what she expects from me.

This is why (to some), I beat the "cheating" thing to death.

If she IS still involved with OM, these things above would be PURSUIT, and NOT a good DB idea right now.

If she ISN'T, then these are not only a good idea, but necessary to begin to rebuild intimacy and spontaneity in the relationship.

As you can see, quite a dilemma.

[Ready2Change]

...you're not a failure. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and without complete no-contact, a transparency plan, and GOOD marriage counseling/family therapy, with a FT who specializes in infidelity, the recidivism rate is VERY high -- upwards of 90%.

So it isn't you ... it's him.

Just learn from your mistakes, and protect yourself going forward. Time to ditch the "be his friend" thing, and start worrying more about being "Mamabear." Your kids are going to need you in the next 24 months, in a big way.

[Ready2Change]

...Tonight is the "talk"...

Best to just say "I know all about you and ________, so please don't disrespect me or our family any further by continuing to lie about it." If he does (lie), then put your hand up in the "STOP" position and -- looking him straight in the eye -- say "Stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful not only to me and to our marriage, but to our family. We always taught our kids the importance of honesty; I've decided that WHATEVER happens with us, I am going to insist on that in our family moving forward." And then if he persists in the lie (ex.: "we're just friends"), turn and leave the room.

I had to do this with my wife. From my personal archives:


Boundaries/”Start with the DECEIT”

I would start with the DECEIT.

Once it became apparent in my sitch that my wife wasn't going to end her affair, despite confrontation, exposure to her parents, siblings, our adult children and her employer, I decided that I couldn't stop her. But I was DAMNED sure going to stop tolerating the DECEIT. She was lying to her own parents (whom I love and respect, very much, and who have been like PARENTS to me throughout our marriage), and to our adult daughters.

So my BIG boundary was this:

"I will no longer tolerate your deceit. I will no longer stand idly by while you have an affair with a boy half your age, and then not only LIE to your parents and our children about it, but you make wild accusations about ME, that I'm 'crazy' and paranoid. Well, that's over. You either tell them the truth, or I will, and I will show them the evidence that I have. You have exactly five minutes to decide."

And I was dead serious.

btw, my smaller boundaries were:

-- no calling or texting OM from inside of our marital home;

-- no calling or texting OM in front of our kids, regardless of where you are;

-- I will no longer allow our family's finances to be spend enabling your affair; you will have to get your own cellphone, and pay for your tummy tuck Visa payments, lingerie, hair-coloring and what-not.

-- If you plan on coming home after 1am, don't bother coming home.

In your case, since you're living apart, I would start with the DECEIT boundary. It's incredibly disrespectful, and there's no reason why you have to stand there and be lied to, continually.

[Ready2Change]

I'm serious. This has been advocated before, experts write about it, and we even had a whole thread devoted to it once. Women, especially, reported how POWERFUL their reaction was when they saw their husbands begin to put their own "stamp" upon the marital home. Just ask Greek.

The bedroom (new set of sheets, new comforter?), kitchen and dining room have particular emotional connections.

Make the changes masculine. The aircraft stuff is perfect.