Dan, I will be the next to say tahnk you for what you've been through and shared with us. I'm not as good as some at DB'ing but I am learning and threads like yours are helping as much as anything.
After months of being careful I'm sure we'll all slip here or there.
Just keep thinking how nice it will be to be out of there next week.
Stopped by the place I am going to rent again tonight. It is soooo nice. My budy told me that there were some people looking at it again today. I hope no one buys it out from under me. Just gotta get my sitch wrapped-up so I can buy the place.
I found a couple of what appear to be decent bedroom sets on craigs list. The guy is going to hold them for me until the weekend! 2 twin beds with nice hardwood head and foot boards and 3 hardwood dressers and 2 mirrors for $275. I think it is a good deal. Everything else I have seen is junk or way too expensive. At least now I will have beds for my kids!!
W and I divided-up our stuff tonight. I think it went better than I expected. Since I got the truck, she got most of the furniture and wall hangings. I don't really need that stuff anyway. It is a bit lopsided in my favor in the values we assigned, but she said she is ok with it. We are going to try to split the tools and tool chests at some point. I asked her if she was just going to sell them and she said no, that it might be nice to have some tools around, but she doesn't even know how to use most of them. Maybe hanging onto them for when another man comes around or to give to S. I know, stop mind reading.
She is also going to keep the lawn tractor to help even out the $. I told her if she sells it, to let me know how much it is going for. She said she would keep it and learn how to use it.
Then we talked about the house for a bit and she said she thinks we should keep it for a while until the market recovers. I told her that doesn't make any sense, because then anything we want to buy will recover also. She seemed to think about that a bit, so maybe I got through to her.
She talked about living here after and I said that while technically, she may be able to afford it, I wasn't sure if she really wanted to spend that much of her income on the house and have nothing left for anything else. Plus, I told her that one of us would need to buy out the other to get the name off the mortgage. She said the courts are giving 2-3 years for that to happen, which my atty also told me. I said that neither one of us should really want that, because that will prevent someone from owning a house and having to rent. I hope she will be sensible about this.
I've got to fill out my parenting plan to take to mediation on monday. She said that hers is filled out, but didn't give me any clues as to what she is thinking and I didn't ask.
It was actually a pretty good night, considering what we had to do. None of it seemed to bother her though. She was willing to take whatever and sell it if she had to. The problem with that is you never get what it is worth.
I showed her the bedroom sets I was going to get and she seemed to think they were pretty good. Not sure if that shows that I am taking charge and making sense or not, but I will have it done and a place for my kids set-up VERY soon!
W is going away with the kids this weekend, so I am going out with my friend who got divorced an re-married to his ex. He said he had lots of women in the interim, so he will help me learn to fish!! Going to flirt with some women and see how it goes.
W also wants to take the kids away the following weekend when I am moving. Says it will be too hard on them to be here. I told her maybe they want to help me and swim in the new pool. Try to turn it into a positive event rather than a negative event. She said she asked them if they wanted to help and they said no. I said, you asked them without me being here? I showed her I was disgusted and walked to the next room to continue dividing our stuff. I thought that was pretty bad of her to do that.
Alright, I've got to get some sleep tonight and get ready for another day.
So I offerred for W to take some money out of the "Trust" account to spend on her trip this weekend. I told her that would be fair since I got $ for my trip with the kids and I would support it for her too. She said she had thought about it, but didn't think she could because it would be a violation of the court order. I told her that it really is just an agreement between us as to how we agree to spend the money. She said she would just get by with what she has. She and our kids are staying in the same room as her brother, his W and their 2 kids. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me. I think she is really broke and I could afford to give her something like $100. Should I do that or just let her eek it out?
Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself. I'm guessing that I should be nice and show her, but I always seem to do the wrong thing, so I thought I'd ask for advice.
I'm guessing that I should be nice and show her, but I always seem to do the wrong thing, so I thought I'd ask for advice.
Ha! Tell me about it!
I guess it would be "right" to show her how to use it and then let her go and take care of things for herself. I am proud of how you are able to be so cordial with her. I find it hard to do with mine.
I think she is really broke and I could afford to give her something like $100. Should I do that or just let her eek it out?
Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself.
Has she asked for help? Stop trying to fix things, let her come to you, let her go to figure things out without you. It will be OK.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Dan - I've been reading your posts for quite a while, and have posted only once I think.
I want you to know something. The way you are handling yourself at this point is impressive. I am proud of how well you are doing and how much you care about your kids. Most women would be thrilled to be with such a caring, sincere man. You are an inspiration.
If I had one wish for everyone here, it's that their WAS would see in their LBS spouse what the rest of us see without even having met them.
That is maybe the most spot-on statement I've ever read.
It is truly a shame that here we are, baring our souls and complete strangers can see that we're good people who love and care about our families and take our commitments seriously, while our spouses, who supposedly know us better than anyone else on Earth can't see it through the fog.
It's just sad.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I think she is really broke and I could afford to give her something like $100. Should I do that or just let her eek it out?
Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself.
Has she asked for help? Stop trying to fix things, let her come to you, let her go to figure things out without you. It will be OK.
Thanks Coach. That is why I ask these questions. I don't know why I can't stop trying to fix things. I guess it is because I think I am trying to help and helping people, anyone, gives me satisfaction. It is so hard to change this. I also can't seem to stop defending myself either. That one is also very difficult.
Dan - I've been reading your posts for quite a while, and have posted only once I think.
I want you to know something. The way you are handling yourself at this point is impressive. I am proud of how well you are doing and how much you care about your kids. Most women would be thrilled to be with such a caring, sincere man. You are an inspiration.
If I had one wish for everyone here, it's that their WAS would see in their LBS spouse what the rest of us see without even having met them.
It's such a shame.
Thanks BTM. Almost brought tears to my eyes.
I always try to be a good man and try to do the right thing. Even in this situation. My neighbors think I am nuts and that our situation is nuts. They think that most people who are getting divorced can't stand each other and constantly fight. Until recently, we haven't fought at all, and even now, our "fights" are just short arguments. No big deal really.
I'm glad I can be an inspiration to others, even though I don't feel like I am. I also feel that others here are an inspiration to me. I'm just afraid that my inspirational attitude will eventually lead to the ultimate downfall of my M. Not that anything else could save it anyway. What I did for the first 6 months was absolutely wrong, so what can standing up and being a man hurt.
Thank you very much BTM, your kind words are very much appreciated.
I also can't seem to stop defending myself either.
If she is telling you how you feels or what she thinks then let it be and agree with her. It's her choice how she thinks and what she feels.
If she tells you what you think/feel/believe or has behavior that is unacceptable then you bring it up.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
