Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

Today I sent her an email summary of all we discussed in the meeting we had. I had originally composed an opening paragraph to let her know i didn't agree with the separation but thanks to reading Gucci's thread and your advice I reread it and it just looked like i was asking her to reconsider.

I deleted it and just said i appreciate the calmness in the house over the last couple of days and here is the details of what we discussed.

SOMEONE IS LEARNING!!!

[Ready2Change]

I also can't seem to stop defending myself either.

If she is telling you how she feels or what she thinks then let it be and agree with her. It's her choice how she thinks and what she feels.

If she tells you what you think/feel/believe or has behavior that is unacceptable then you bring it up.

[Ready2Change]

I heard this on the radio today:

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. "

and found more here:

Success/Failure quotes

[Ready2Change]

Earlier this year when I stopped showing my W love is when she started really turning around. She realized what she was losing. If you give love even though they're treating you like crap, you're giving them no reason to stop!

[Ready2Change]

Decide right now if you want your spouse back. If they don't love you and are not able or capable of loving you - do you want to be with them? Or are you just used to it? Figure that out quickly.

The sooner you pull away and leave them to be in their own world, come what may, the better. Don't just change you, change the dynamic....Move (emotionally) away as quickly as you can. Seems counter intuitive, but really, your choices are limited. If you do not - you are going to be on that ride until you both implode and you are left to pick up the pieces.

The revisiting and repainting the past? Don't they have to do that? So you can be blamed? 'Cause it cannot be their fault, can it? (that's a nugget)

[Ready2Change]

And you keep bringing back the point about you outing him.

Just put it right back into his lap

"You exposed your husband's affair to everyone... aren't you ashamed?"

"I think the person who should be ashamed is the person HAVING the AFFAIR.. dont' YOU?"

Stuff like that is killer

If they bring up the workplace

"The affair is HAPPENING in his workplace. MOST respectable companies have policies against this. His doesn't. I knew nothing would happen to his job. I exposed an indecency in his workplace that he and this woman were creating... That's all... And NOW they are lying to everyone about it... Shame my dear... They aren't any prouder of what they've been doing than I am for having to expose it. I did this to protect a marriage from a predator... No more and no less"

stuff like that is good... mabye a bit more concise than what i have here... but bring the point back ALWAYS that HE is the one having the affair and you won't accept an attack for HIS betrayal.

You can end it with

"You can support a woman attacking a marriage and a family and attack me too if you want, OR you can press this man to END the affair, and save his marriage and home... It's your choice"

[Ready2Change]

Ok, I need some help here. As the trip to Disney grows closer, if my W brings up my not going again, I'm feeling compelled to say something like "I'm sad your choice to keep OM in your life makes it impossible for us to enjoy such a wonderful experience as a family." Is that a truth dart, or just more demonstration of weakness?

"I have decided this M isn't what I want. I don't want to confuse you or the kids and take a trip together."

Then book a gig in Memphis for that weekend.

Love that -- perfect.

I was going to say -- when she gives you the crap about "selfish" and "disappointing the kids" to respond something like:

"I'm really sorry you feel that way. I decided that such a trip just didn't really work for me right now, considering everything that's happened."

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

So what do I do with a spouse who will not end it but will continue to see him or at least keep on the look out for other men?

Well, I will start by telling you what you DON'T do, Gef. You don't tell her "I will be her friend no matter what happens to us," and you don't "g(i)ve her an out tonight during our talk by telling her that if it was physical I wouldn't end it based on what I have found out about our marriage."

This is all SUPPLICATING, and it KILLS ATTRACTION.

Secondly, re-read your opening paragraphs of your post. Your wife is doing all the LEADING in your relationship right now. Why are you allowing the ONE person who DOESN'T have the marriage's best interests at heart right now, to set the agenda?? Not only is that extremely damaging to your marriage, but it ALSO kills respect (and therefore, attraction) from your wife. YOU need to be leading right now, based on what you think is best for you and your girls. And what you're doing ain't it, with all due respect.

Finally:

You are trying to get your wife to self-confess her infidelity. That's fine to try once, or to lay out a boundary of "I will no longer allow you to lie to our family about your affair" once you have proof. But to keep asking the cheater if they're cheating is fruitless. Because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD. Either drop it completely, or get whatever proof you need and then confront her with a "I know all about you and ________" speech, and move on.

You need to set some boundaries, and FAST. Your wife's behavior -- openly, right in front of your daughters -- is harming them emotionally, and killing your own self-esteem. The fact that you put quotes around it, telling us of her trip to see "friends," tells us that you know EXACTLY what's going on, but yet you refuse to do anything about it.

And your girls are going to suffer. These is THE MOST IMPORTANT YEARS of their lives, developmentally, as to how they will relate to boys and men moving forward. I know you want to keep your family intact, but once you cross over into "I will do anything" territory, you've lost your moral compass and you're harming them more than helping them.

[Ready2Change]

What do they want?

To have her way! Look, she's calls you an AH when you don't bow down to whatever she says. Do what you think needs done and don't try to please her. Pleasing one another should be done when you are in a loving R, not getting a D.

[Ready2Change]

One of my 180s this week was going to be to ask him what night he could be home early so I could go out for a little bit on my own. If he asks where I guess I'll tell him to a few stores. This will give me a little bit of time to shop for new clothes without toting 2 toddlers and give them some time with their daddy without me around to either critique him or run over to help out if someone cries.

Perfect! Make sure you do it. Something healthy for you as a person to do.