Sunny...found ya'! I did not want to hijack CD's thread to comment on the 5LL book. It is not a heavy tome like War and Peace. To me, the 5LL book is a twin companion to the DB book...it is less than half inch thick. Probably the width of your pinky nail! These books work in tandem when utilizing some of the DBing techniques with the WAS. Especially if there is an OP in the picture...knowing the LLs gives you a leg up on the competition (pun intended!!).
Thanks for taking the time to find me and let me know about the book!
Allen: why not a fan?
I will definitely have to get it and see what it's all about. It certainly can't hurt - the more info the better, right? Maybe it will help with my sitch, who knows. Right now H and I are getting along fine but he still makes no attempt to connect with me.
While he isn't going anywhere, I feel as lonely in this marriage as ever. We go places and he used to hold my hand all the time and has always been a pretty affectionate person. Now, I get nothing. Went to a concert together last night and while we had a good time, you would've thought we were neighbors. It's sad to me that I see no love in his eyes when he looks at me. Last night I thought to myself, "Maybe this really is over and I'm stupid for trying to save something that's just gone...."
Part of me thinks that it's that H makes no effort in the R - to restore the feelings. I guess it's back to him not making the effort because he doesn't "feel it" and me knowing that feeling it is not going come about until he takes action towards restoration.
I'm very frustrated this morning! Anyway, maybe the book will give some insight on how to help the sitch.
After writing the post above, I feel conflicted. Part of me says to stop trying to make H the affectionate/loving husband he once was: that any attempt to try and get him to love me again is just going to backfire. That what I need to do is to quit trying altogether and keep finding ways to GAL for myself and perhaps that will be the only thing that might work.
I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of trying and getting my hopes up only to have them dashed or what.
It truly is almost better when H is not around and I don't have to feel the rejection of him being so distant.
Will time help any of this or will the lack of connection grow even further apart because he's making no attempt?
I guess I'm just having a rough morning. Yes, I want a man that can stand the heat...but I also want some heat (of a different kind!) in my marriage and not to just be roommates!!!
I just saw on H's business account that he charged $13 at some lounge place near his office. He hasn't mentioned going anywhere like that to me recently. Now, I realize there's nothing wrong with grabbing a beer (or whatever) after work or something, but it bothers me that he hasn't mentioned it. In the past it probably would not have bugged me, but it does under current circumstances.
Should I ask about it? If so, how? You would think if it was some "bad" place he wouldn't have put it on his card where he knows I can see all... Then again, maybe he wanted me to. ???
That's a good idea. I am not wanting to go back to the suspicious, non-confident Sunny I was months ago when all this started, yet at the same time, I can't help but feel anxious at times over things.
Although....he might see right through the line of questioning! lol
You aren't doing anything wrong by asking him outright.. The financial thing was a courtesy.
In a safe, healthy marriage a spouse should feel safe to ask direct questions that might make their spouse uncomfortable... THAT is a GOOD MARRIAGE
Choices :
a. Don't ask, foster a climate of silent acceptance b. Ask directly and risk instigating a fight that you might avoid c. Ask diplomatically to keep the peace and your sanity at the same time
If your husband has an issue with you asking him who he might have had lunch with and why he didn't feel the need to mention it then let him STEW.
He may get aggressive... Guess what... STand your ground...
If he gets aggressive :
a. He's a bully b. He's fostering an unhealthy climate for your home c. He's got issues d. He may very well be hiding something
Either way, its on HIS head not yours.
He's been talking about leaving, looking at apartments, won't go to family therapy, keeping his cell phone in his shower... He's been doing everything that would justify you asking for an explanation for the lunch...
He has NO REASON to get defensive right now... HE set this climate UP so HE has to deal with the discomfort and YOUR PANIC.
If my wife feels unsafe because I am threatening to leave my home, she has every right to question me about mysterious charges to my credit card... I set the climate of the home up with my behaviuor... SO I have to suck that up until I change it.
If you want to play it safe and let it slide and keep an eye on him that's fine... Your call...
I just dont' want you to feel like you are crossing a line by bringing it up... You most certainly aren't.
Well, we both know right now I don't have a "good marriage" but am definitely working towards that. It's just the 180 for me has been to not be this worry wart person and trusting that I AM the better option. It's a fine line though, I know: having expected boundaries and self-respect vs a needy, non-confident nag.
I did not want to hijack CD's thread to comment on the 5LL book. It is not a heavy tome like War and Peace. 
To me, the 5LL book is a twin companion to the DB book...it is less than half inch thick. Probably the width of your pinky nail! These books work in tandem when utilizing some of the DBing techniques with the WAS. Especially if there is an OP in the picture...knowing the LLs gives you a leg up on the competition (pun intended!!). 
