And after reading your latest reply - you're absolutely right! I was worried about it being wrong to ask. Well - not "wrong, wrong" but in a DBing way, wrong - if that makes sense.
However, since he is supposed to now be working on the M, I have a right to ask. It may not be a good marriage at the moment, but if we're working towards a healthy R, then yes, by all means, there should be trust being built.
Look at this as a test for him ... If he flies off the handle then just stay calm and wait for him to clean up his mess... If he storms off and doens't he really messed up...
He was very nonchalant about it so I guess it really was no big deal. Of course, he's not the fly off the handle type anyway. He's very good at staying calm about things so it makes it hard to tell at times. Typically you know something's up if someone gets mad or defensive over "nothing" but with H, he usually is calm regardless.
The concern I have is if he's resentful for your asking... I would rather he got upset than kept his resentment to himself... That's how people become wayward is by NOT opening up and turning elsewhere...
Which is probably how he got into his situation in the first place...
You're right about that - the built up resentment that was not expressed is exactly what led to all of this. (Not necessarily over him grabbing a drink after work, I've never cared about that. Not like he ever came home drunk.)
It was part of the reason I didn't want to ask: didn't want to appear to be going back to the old way of doing things. After all, if he wanted to just avoid those types of questions he could just take out cash in the future to use. I don't want to drive him underground.
He didn't appear resentful at all, so that's good. I just still don't think he's in a place where he truly cares about my feelings yet. He's self-centered in that he wants me to be OK because he doesn't want my not being OK to affect him. There's a difference, of course. How to get him back to caring about my feelings is the big question of the moment.
It's going to be time soon for a further discussion of things and that plan for rebuilding the M we talked about upthread. I'm trying to be patient and not force it: not because I am not aware that I deserve it - but because I think we need another week or so of positivity before serious discussion of that.
Hey, Sunny. Thought I'd pop over here and see where you are in your sitch.
I agree that seeing outbursts is better than burying/internalizing into resentment. That's a common reaction that is likley eveident in most sitches and leads to where we all are now.
I know I'm guilty of it, too.
I read it somewhere that, though it was expressed regarding women, "When she STOPS talking about the R, though you you might think tht's better, it's actually worse"
I know I'm gonna need to stay aware of this view, too. I'm very glad I had a look cause I would have seen negative talk about us (if we ever get to that) as a negative. But I'll have to see it as a positive- cause it will be an improvement over saying nothing.
I noticed THIS VVVVVVVV a page back
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
Part of me says to stop trying to make H the affectionate/loving husband he once was: that any attempt to try and get him to love me again is just going to backfire. That what I need to do is to quit trying altogether and keep finding ways to GAL for myself and perhaps that will be the only thing that might work.
I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of trying and getting my hopes up only to have them dashed or what.
Well, It's pretty common to feel like that. And the answer is in your questions. You MUST GAL as the motive itself. I view it as "You cannot "directly" control another person. However, you can "influence" their behaviour by example and setting the feel of the interaction.
This brings me to the 5LL's. Wonka went through the letter from W regarding the ILYBINILWY. He correctly identified her two primaries. Physical touch (can't do that) and Words of Affirmation. He suggested I occasionally sprinkle some into texts/convos'. Lo and behold, along with a strong stance; boundaries, and as much detachment as I've created, her tone is changing. It may have been coincidental with her own issues (A going sideways?, etc) but it is 'working'
I recommend having a look at 5LL's and 'gently' trying to utilize his LL's. It will also be good for you to be aware of yours for the future.
Allen's views that you have a right to ask the "business side of the M" questions is, as usual, correct. If money is going somewhere, it's not about the drinking or with who, it's the 'familiy funds', so you have that right to ask and know. It's information you need and an opportunity to show a stance and involvement. If you used to ignore these details, it's a '180', too? Again, leading by example.
If you can show him a glimpse of how the "new" M will be different, it might trigger something.
I still don't know about the five LL's... Particularly if there's an affair going on I don't have much confidence in that being a useful tactic... To me throwing a cheating spouse compliments just smacks of affair validation...
She cheats and you throw her compliments... SHe's gonna cheat more.. But I could be wrong...
My reading of 5LL is that its a useful tool for building a willing marriage, that is both partners are activity working on improving things...
But if one is wayward, or worse having an affair I don't get how using that NOW is sending anything but the wrong message...
I am going to have to agree with Alan.I don't see how rewarding your spouse for cheating is going to be beneficial in any way. It encourages them to get it from both sides and someone that is actively cheating does not deserve that attention, in turn your S/O should be coming to you and paying YOU compliments and nurturing you and that is just not going to happen while they are in the middle of an affair. The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself because while your partner is in an affair do you think they are thinking about your feelings or what you are going through? If they did would they be doing this in the first place. I am sorry if I sound bitter but I have tried everything and the best advice I can give at this point is to save yourself.
I understand your perpectives, Allen and Swimming.
I don't view it as a reward though. And I certainly didn't "start" with WOA's.
Once I set boundaries and she left the house (again, NOT the same sitch as Sunny), I could really detach. Most interaction was by text and the rare call.
With boundaries in place and the detachment (being firm on crap behavior, etc), the tone changed. That is when I began the WOA "sprinkles". And the change continues.
As always, just a suggestion and a personal choice by Sunny as to how she believes she will be best served.
Just something that has worked in my sitch.
And I still like the book. It can be "melty" in spots. But the theory is good.
Not a shrink either Allen. Just an 'angle" to look at.
