I think you arne't tehre yet... your H needs to get this "leave" idea out of his head before you try to work on romance...
He's got a lot of work to do yet..
Well, I don't want to work on romance per se, but want to aid in his attraction back to the M. I know that sounds like the same thing, but there is a difference.
He has gotten the leave idea out of his head, or so he says. It's just that his reasons for staying currently have more to do with the kids than with wanting to be with me. Having said that, he would not still be here if he didn't think we could rebuild our R. I wouldn't even want him here if I felt he had no feelings for me whatsoever. It's just right now he is still in this fog so his feelings are clouded. But, he no longer sees our M as irreconcilable.
Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
- Penny Tupy
I agree with Penny here, you need to give that time. He is in wayward mode yet and what you are looking for ins't gonig to happen when he's in wayward mode... He needs HOPE first, then some education...
The rest will get there, but I don't think that's the priority right now...
OK. I'll take your word for it! I think he has hope but it is not a huge amount at this point. So...what do I do in the meantime? Not worry about it? Try to meet the needs of conversation, affection, etc... or no??? (The alternative would be to remain elusive...trying to be mysterious, etc...)
SUNNYD- For what it's worth, and feel free to lumber me for doing so, but I got this yesterday and I feel that there is an application here for you. Just me seeing what you are writing about.
("More than a nickel" to Steady for this
Originally Posted By: Steady
You are putting too much focus on this stuff and it is getting you a bit 'high'. The reason I point this out is the next indication you translate as 'bad' is going to drop you from whatever height you're at. (His) actions mean nothing. If you put any meaning on them you are guessing, and you are guessing they are 'good' (or bad)
I'm not saying they aren't what they may appear to be, but I am saying you need to take the meaning out of them as it relates to YOU.
IMHO, I feel you are so focused on his actions/reactions (more importantly, YOUR interpretations of what you see/hear) that your are 'falsely accentuating' the highs and los of the roller coaster we're on. And you need to FLATTEN it out by removing your interpretations and keep working on you. It is the consistent behaviours in you that may bring him "out of the fog" and it's hard to be consistent on a rollercoaster.
I hope this helps you. It's only what I see in your last few posts.
And.... you are right, CD! Good perspective. I've taken the positives and wanted to amp them up. It's hard when you see a bit of progress to not want to ride that wave.
I'm just tired of living like this, I suppose. I want the relationship I know I deserve and it's hard to be patient and wait on that. There are times now when I think about chucking him out so I can go get the relationship I want! That's not good. So what do I do? Mentally, I try to think of ways to accelerate this process so I don't chuck it - and get him to see things more quickly! Need to keep the end goal in mind here, I suppose.
It's hard when you see a bit of progress to not want to ride that wave.
The false high leads to the accentauted (and false low). Which one has greater effect on you? I know MY answer. So if I can flatten the high, the low won't be as low, either.
Originally Posted By: Sunny
I'm just tired of living like this, I suppose. I want the relationship I know I deserve and it's hard to be patient and wait on that.
I'm gonna say some of this comes from the artificial highs and lows. Question- If you were in the relationship you deserved, how would you feel and HOW WOULD YOU BEHAVE? No patience required. Do it NOW. Either he'll get it or he won't.
I don't know who the nickel goes to but I keep this one in my head- Prepare yourself for your next R. Fix the things that you accept were your responsibility in the M. The excitement comes from WHO the next R will be with. Regardless, YOU will be ready for the R you deserve.
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
Need to keep the end goal in mind here, I suppose.
What REALLY is the end goal? Think about it. You seem to have two in your post. One you state; one you are attached to.
e.g The relationship you deserve Him
You say it yourself. I'm not advocating the action but you give yourself the answer in it.
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
I think about chucking him out so I can go get the relationship I want!
Can you see a way to do the latter without the former? Really. I am asking. Is there a way that works for you? Can you create one?
Coul you get "something" you need from the R as it exists and create the rest of what you need by and for yourself?
If you are familiar with the "compartmentalization process" common in WAS/A's, can you do the same?
Find what is missing internally? Or would you have to look "outside"?
I'm standing in the same "forest", too, so I know it's hard to see the forest when you are standing in it.
CD, as I said on your thread - great insight! See how much easier to see someone else's situation with objectivity rather than your own???
I am taking all you've said to heart. I especially like the highs and lows theory. We make too much of them both!
As you know, I am a person who likes actions to solve issues so I guess I was just looking for new actions. Right now, however, maybe no new actions are necessary for me and I just need to keep being the Sunny I know I am.
As for acting as if I were already in the R I deserve? Well, that's harder. I have to temper that somewhat because I don't want to behave in a way that says I approve of H "as he is" and positively reinforce his negative behavior. BUT... looking at this viewpoint does make me realize I can and should do some things differently in the R, for myself!
Can I have the R I deserve with H? That's a big question. I'm sure you've asked yourself the same. The H I have currently - no. The H he CAN be at times - yes. I'm just not sure if that H is ever going to come back around. Some things I can certainly do to fulfill myself and I will continue to do that. Other things I can fulfill with my kids and will certainly continue that as well. However, I really do miss having that special R from both a romantic point of view and non-romantic point of view! I can't fulfill that for myself but I suppose I can be happy in other ways right now, which will have to be enough until the day I can have that with H or someone new!
SO, I guess I'm back to asking myself this morning about the specifics. What are some practical ways that I can up the game in the 180s/GAL department? What are some ways that H would take notice and maybe bring back the attraction?
This is the problem - what if the person you want to be is not the kind of person he wants to be with? I proposed this question on another thread before. Do you stop improving yourself in order to keep your M together?
When people improve and grow, some people in their lives are naturally 'shed' like an old skin. When I quit drinking at 24, most of my friends slowly drifted away. We didn't have same things in common. I became a mirror of what they weren't doing for themselves.
Some guys really don't want an independent woman. They want a dysfunctional co-dependent which keeps them in their 'identity' and role. This is on a subconscious level. Who would answer yes, I want a co-dependent spouse? But there is cognitive dissonance that happens between what they say they want and what they really are attracted to.
When you are doing the things YOU want to do, when you are pursuing and doing the things which make you happy; when you are building the life which makes you feel good and content, then you will be attractive. But, and here's the caveat, you will be attractive to a partner who wants a confident, happy, independent woman. Is that man your H? I have no idea.
I know in my past I've always been attracted to 'broken' women. It's easy for me to look back and see my pattern. I am attracted to them and they trigger my issue - and her issues and mine usually are akin to throwing gasoline on a fire.
As I get healthier I find my attraction to that type of woman waning. I've met women who I normally would have been attracted to in the past and feel no attraction. This is a strong indicator to me that I'm heading in the right direction.
I think a majority of any desire I have to be with my W stems from a few things I can see. I'm sure there are others.
- Comfort; I was with her for over 10 years so it's a known. - Keeping my M and family together as it being the principal rather than the functionality - My desire to not want her to be with someone else - To keep my children from having to experience the turmoil and fallout caused by a divorce - To not have to 'start all over again' - Financial security. We had just arrived at a combined income which would have afforded us a better lifestyle than we had known in the past - Family; there is all kinds of collateral damage ocurring to both our extended families; be are both alienated from the others' family - The damn house. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood - Switching around everything we had worked towards. - <others>
Now when I look at my list, the thing that's missing is this - an overwhelming attraction and desire to be with HER. It's been worn out to the point where it is nothing but a small ember sitting in the corner of a room somewhere inside me.
I don't believe in 'falling out of love'. I'm leaning more toward the misconception of attraction being the 'in love' experience. It's not love which is missing, it's attraction.
I especially love what Allen wrote above:
Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time. - Penny Tupy
Once mentioned this to my W, how love is created and not 'just magically there' and she basically mocked me. I asked her, when we first met were we in love? No. It was built.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
