Geeez: I responded to your post this morning, Steady, but it is not here! ??? This darn laptop and it's deleting stuff... got to get that figured out.
Anyway, I truly did appreciate what you had to say. It's helpful to be reminded not to put any stock in what H does or does not do - how he acts or does not act. Whichever way it is, good or bad, it's surely to change, and often.
I can totally relate to not wanting a partner you feel you've had to coerce into being there! While all of us want our M's to work, obviously, I know I sure don't want H to stick around because he has to. My goal is to have a mutual R where I am wanted and loved, not just endured. That's key to remember.
Yes, I did want H to be happy about the dinner, but I made sure when I did it that I asked myself how I would feel if it made no difference to him. When I knew I was fine with that - I went ahead and did it. It was nice that he liked it though! I TOTALLY agree that you don't do that for a wayward spouse if they are treating you badly!!!!
As for finding the balance between "matching", playing hard to get, or initiating guestures... that's what I'm struggling with the most right now. So far, matching has been the safest move but I do wonder if I should do something else. ???
Weird week thus far. H is behaving much more like his pre-crisis self. He is talking about the future in terms of "we" now and discussing "our likes/dislikes". He's even scaled back his nightly running and xbox playing CONSIDERABLY - his 2 favorite forms of escape. Nope - not using this behavior as a future predictor - just making note.
We have not had a R discussion in almost a month now. I'm trying to decide when would be good to do that: now, or give it more time? He has not yet said ILY but has continued to be more affectionate in a non-sexually motivated way.
Obviously, if we are going reach the Piecing stage, we need to get to the serious R work: FT or something to deal with the issues. New Beginnings (the weekend workshop) has an 8 week follow up course that I think H would probably prefer over FT (and much more cost effective). I want to shoot for that but am not sure if I should wait for H to say something to me about being committed or at least saying ILY again....
Thoughts???
I don't want to be impatient and rush things and will continue the 180s/GAL and "matching" his level of affection/interest. My concern is the 8 week course starts in just a few weeks so we'd need to get going on that soon, I think.
Part of me is concerned that if I initiate R talk now, it will push him back into feeling trapped and like I am pursuing. The other part thinks it is time to do some real work here instead of just fence sitting.
I think it was Saffie that said it took her H a YEAR after his affair before he offered a sincere ILY to her... I think looking for an ILY right now is asking a lot... particularly for men...
Yeah - I hear ya. I was thinking it might not take as long with H since his A(s) was/were short-lived (I believe... 3 months possibly 4, definitely less than 6) and was not ever physical. It truly does not seem like he was involved with one person but just getting his ego needs met with various women from his past - chatting and all of that. I do think that makes a difference as there was no long-term bond with 1 OW.
I keep thinking back to all that H had to say on the marriage weekend: that a marriage should be "exceptional". That was the main one. I keep thinking, "SO..H...what are YOU doing to make this exceptional??? Nothing!" If that's the way he feels M should be, he needs to be willing to work at that.
I guess for now I am not going to press that point but continue to give him space and be patient. I sure would like to remind him of how strongly he made that point, however.
Of course, I guess in the wayward mind, if you don't FEEL loving, then there's something wrong and you "can't" work on the M.
I did just check on a little litmus test I did Monday and completely forgot about. H has not been wearing his ring for quite some time now. Actually, I believe he didn't know where it was for awhile as I found it some place weird he left it and put it in this decorative box that is in our room. Anyway, Before I left the house Mon. night, knowing he would be home and in our room long before I would be back, I "knocked over" the box and the contents spilled onto the floor. One of those things being his ring.
I have not brought up the ring factor not one time so I don't think he'd suspect a set up. Also, this is a table our little dog is notorious for checking out to see if there's leftover snacks. He's knocked things off before.
Anyway, I just checked and everything is back in the box - including the ring. To be fair, I have not been wearing mine either, but that's different. How? Because I lost my real wedding ring, unfortunately, some time ago and we have not replaced it. Now, I was wearing this other ring from my grandmother that made do for awhile. After the bob, however, I no longer felt I should be wearing a make do ring! If we fully reconcile as H and W, I want a new ring that symbolizes a new M. BUT...this could mean that H is just not going to wear his as long as I don't wear "mine". (Yes, he is petty like that, even though he started all of this.) Secondly, he didn't always wear it even when things were good: some days he does a lot of equipment type stuff and a ring gets in the way.
Right now I would take it as a pretty big sign of commitment if he were to start wearing the ring again, but obviously he did not yesterday or today. I'm glad I forgot about my test though, because it enabled me to not react to the fact that he just put it right back in the box.
SO... it does answer part of my question about his commitment level right now.
I know what you mean! Of course, it's a little easier to swallow when he's always been that way - even when I was the light of his life.
On another note....he just came home from work...walked over to where I am sitting and kissed me and asked how my day was. I know that doesn't sound amazing but.... first time in a LONG time that he's done that! That hasn't happened since the bomb!!! Or even before the bomb. Hmmmm.
I agree totally, CD. I just acted like it was no big deal and responded back with the matched appropriate behavior. Going to wait on that squirrel though!
Playing devil's advocate, sometimes people act more affectionate to cover up something they feel guilty about - so you never know. Not that I want to be pessimistic, but it doesn't hurt to consider all perspectives.
