Sunny, forget the squirrel. Squirells are jittery and if you watch them they run to and fro like anxious little creatures.
Like they said in the Matrix - there is no squirrel.
Stop projecting. It is a waste of time and is nothing but mental masturbation. He is acting the way he is because he is acting the way he is.
I'm not saying to be naive and not keep your eyes open and pay attention. What I am saying is stop trying to analyze and guess what his behavior means and where it is coming from (ie; maybe out of guilt.)
You don't know and you won't know until you know. If you ever do know. Everything else is just guessing.
Keep the focus on you and what you're doing. Don't take your eye of the ball - which is YOUR life and your happiness.
This is a slippery point you're standing on. Often people get sucked back in due to what we perceive as positive movement. It happened to me a bunch of times. We tend to take our aim and direction we are moving and we turn it toward them. Don't do this. Keep yourself on the same trajectory you have been moving.
What you have been doing for you has had a direct impact on what you are seeing now. Don't stop doing it. Don't split your focus now. Keep it on you and off of him.
I know, easier said than done.
But done it can be. <-- said in the voice of Master Yoda
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I DO agree. I guess I wanted to consider the "negative" perspective because I didn't want to deter myself from my course. If I just took his actions as, "Oh yay - he's coming around!" then I might do that. If I consider the other side, it keeps me more determined to do what is best for me, regardless!
SO: I thought I was doing good by doing that! LOL. I get the point though: positive OR negative, don't try to mind read or project reasons where there are none. You're right, of course, because even if the reasons are positive or negative, they could change tomorrow anyway.
Nothing wrong with taking the perspective which keeps you on track no matter which one it is.
You're doing great. And yes, they seem to have a habit of flip-flopping their intentions.
Very true! I swear sometimes it seems like when things are going decently and H fears I am acting "too happy" he thinks it's because I think things are fine - and he doesn't want me to think things are "fine". So, then it's like he pulls back because he wants to make sure I know he's still not ok.
All the while, H doesn't realize I'm "happy" because I'm happy with myself! Has nothing to do with him! It's part of his self-centeredness right there. It's funny, in Psych you learn about how teens are driven by the fact that the world revolves around them. Their brains are wired at that point to think everyone is looking at them; everyone perceives things the way they do. Not much different for a wayward spouse, is it?!
Very true! I swear sometimes it seems like when things are going decently and H fears I am acting "too happy" he thinks it's because I think things are fine - and he doesn't want me to think things are "fine". So, then it's like he pulls back because he wants to make sure I know he's still not ok.
He's actually trying to 'punish' you for being happy while he's not. After all, how could you be so happy while you see what's going on with me? Now let me be passive aggressive on a few levels - I'll pull away and get you to feel bad - that's for being so blatantly happy and flaunting it in my face.
I'll pull away so you can feel as bad as I do. After all, you shouldn't be allowed to be happy when I'm not.
I'm not sure he's doing it to make sure you remember he's not happy. I see it more as what I wrote above.
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
All the while, H doesn't realize I'm "happy" because I'm happy with myself! Has nothing to do with him!
Eventually he'll get the point he's not pulling your strings anymore. I expect his resentment to grow at that point. He'll up the ante.
You are pulling away from him and there's this rubber band between you. The further you move without him moving in the same direction the band gets tighter and tighter - he'll feel the uncomfortable feeling of himself being reflected back from you. You represent the thing he is not doing for himself. If he doesn't move, the band will just snap.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I'm watching it happen in my life right now. The more I stand up for myself and 'not give a hoot' the angrier she becomes. The angrier she becomes, the more she attacks. But they are blind attacks coming from her anger.
As those increase the very fact I continue to stand up and deflect her attacks with ease, and as life starts to pan out as she doesn't want it to, the harder and more frequent the attacks.
The thing is this - she doesn't realize she's just attacking herself. I'm not doing anything and it's all landing right back on her.
I love this line from a zen story -
If someone gives you a gift and you don't take it, who does it belong to?
When she attacks me, and I don't attack back or absorb her attacks, they have no place to go. So she gets to keep it all. It's like a self-perpetuating machine - as it runs it accelerates faster and faster until it just explodes.
I taught Jiu Jitsu for many years and it's interesting to see the application of the same principles happen in life.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I agree with your thoughts, Steady! I guess it really doesn't matter why he does or doesn't do anything, it just matters if H sticks within the boundaries of being home. I try to make little moves/gestures to get him to "be happy" with me. Sometimes he participates, sometimes not. His choice if HE wants to be happy or not.
I will say that H is not want to get angry and lash out. He isolates and escapes, mostly...and that's not healthy either.
I like the rubber band analogy and the zen philosophy! Will keep that in mind.
So far, this weekend - with D being home from college it's been nice and we've had a lot of family time. Of course, H and I have not done anything with just the 2 of us since the marriage retreat weekend. I don't know how the M is supposed to improve if we don't do anything practically towards that. However, I am not initiating that. It will be up to H to do so at this point. I'm still in "matching" mode for the most part. I've done small things to initiate kindness, and they have been received well. However, I don't feel comfortable going for bigger ticket items with having no proof that he wants to up the ante.
Of course, H and I have not done anything with just the 2 of us since the marriage retreat weekend. I don't know how the M is supposed to improve if we don't do anything practically towards that.
It won't.
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
However, I am not initiating that. It will be up to H to do so at this point. I'm still in "matching" mode for the most part. I've done small things to initiate kindness, and they have been received well. However, I don't feel comfortable going for bigger ticket items with having no proof that he wants to up the ante.
What about setting up something you want to do and are willing to do alone and inviting him to 'come along'.
"Honey, I'm going Kayaking on Saturday afternoon, would you like to come along?" His answer doesn't matter since you want to do it anyway.
Pick something that's doesn't resemble a 'date' event. Maybe even a movie you want to see. Or a museum, etc...
I suggest staying away from - "Honey, I'm going to Venice Italy to ride a Gondola through the tunnel of love. Want to come along?" (seems some of the smilies are out of commission)
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
