Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

[Truegritter]

Pie

I didn't watch the video.

Because I don't want to waste my time...

And neither should you.

Your H is confused.

That is the point to all this.

You think he is MLC right?

They like to hold you on the line. They sometimes reconnect with memories of you. They sometimes want to tell you about it.

This is the rollercoaster.

The merry go round.

Step off the ride and watch him have his fun...

Pie you have to bring yourself to a place where these things are the equivalent to water rolling off a duck's back.

Think about this analogy

Right now you are following him around waiting for him to throw you scraps.

How does that feel?

Stop following him.

Stop watching him.

Walk your own path and see what happens.

[punkin]

Amen. Pie, if you've followed my sitch, I recently let my H draw me back into his drama, and it's just not worth it.

I myself sent a song to my H right after we seperated. Then felt stupid for doing it. He never mentioned it to me. Ever. Didn't mean a thing. And it made me think, How old am I anyway? Sending songs to relay my msg? You so desperately want some validation to stand. I know. Some little sign, no matter how insignificant.

You'll do much better to concentrate on yourself. As my H said to me in a recent email before I went dark again " I want to get on with my life like you have yours" I have a life? News to me, but apparently it is appearing to him that I do.

[seeking answers]

Pie,

Remember at all times that MLC = Confusion.

(((Hugs))) We're here with you.

[ericmsant2]

PIE

How are you doing?

Eric

[pie]

Hi All, sorry, decided to just get on with life, and not focus so much on H. I really am at a very confused point right now. I love this man more than life itself, but then I'm thinking, thats what i expect my partner to feel for me too, and I'm not sure if he'll ever get to that point

I feel I have so much love for him, and he has none for me, and thats wrong. I know hes probably in MLC, but I'm just wearing very very thin

I know he is in there somewhere, but I also know he might never come back out

Over the past couple of days I feel like he's 'testing' being back. Seeing if he can tolerate it. And that feels awful:( I can see he's not ready. But I can see he's trying.

I'm also not sure if I'm missing stuff. I'm awful at reading between lines, and unfortunatly his family operates this way. Nothing is really directly spoken. And I know that i can't bring up R talk, so I fear he will just continue trying to hint at stuff, and I'll never get it

A few days ago he asked if I wanted to join him and S on an overnight trip. I said yes, but he was in a fowl mood for the first part of the trip. Very blunt and moody. I asked him if he was ok, and he bit my head off, said 'DONT PUSH ME'. He said no one knows what I've been going through for the past 3 months. And stormed off

He was irritated generally, and seemed to calm down a few hours later. i didnt say much to him after he blew up - just left him be.

Next day he seemed to be willing to spend time with me and S and took us to eat and have coffee together, and seemed to want to hang out at my place after, said he had nothing else to do (gee thanks), but changed his mind when i said I needed to go shower, he left with S for a few hours to his place. Brought him back later. For the whole day he was in a normal mood - no blow ups.

yesterday he came over again, and spent a few hours here. It seemd like he was acting like he lived here. He sort of made himself very comfortable, turning on the TV,and various other things that he used to do.

At one point I asked him if he had a certain music CD, he said no, but I should go buy it for us. (US? Theres an US?)

Then he said he wanted to pay for an overseas trip for me and my parents! This is the grandest gesture hes ever made in our lives together and I nearly cried...

Whats going on:( Am I missing something? He's offering so many things to me, new gadgets he wants to buy me, new computer, new software, expensive cosmetics...and now a overseas trip! but at the same time he's so annoyed with me?

I miss the man so much. For the whole trip I was sitting behind him, and I had such an urge to put my hand on his shoulder like I used to, but I couldnt

I think he feels bad that he cant get himself back to us maybe, and thats what all the grand gestures are for?

Or is he trying to get me to warm up to him? Is the ball in my court here? HELP!!!

At this point I'm torn between wanting him back , and not wanting him back as he is now

If I could just have a sign that he was back on his way to the man i used to know, i could wait. But i dont know the signs I dont know whats positive and whats not

[punkin]

Oh Pie, I know these feelings. From H's first go round with MLC 8 years ago.

His anger is at himself, not you, first understand that. Backing off is the best thing to do when he gets that way. His issues are with himself, and you permitting yourself to be the whipping boy is not the right thing for either of you.

Take each day as it comes. No foretelling the future or changing the past. I know all of this is no answer within an answer, but it's the best that we can do in the situation. Keep a smile on your face in the face of his anger. It makes it harder to blame you for his unhappiness. (fair warning - it's also hell on your feelings)

Try to pick up on the happy signs and throw away the rest. He asked you to accompany him on a trip. He stayed at your home when he returned. Although he left, he came back in only a few hours. Look for those silver linings. They may be few and far between, but they are there.

[pie]

Hi everyone:) H left for a business trip a few days ago, and as we were saying bye, he said to S "look after mommy for me" - this is the second time hes said it in the last few days. What you all think? Whats it meaning?

Once he was there, he messaged me, asking about S, and chitchat, and then proceeded to list all the things he wants to buy me, becuase he promised thme to me in our M, and he wants to keep his word. What does it mean?

[seeking answers]

Pie,

JMO, but it sounds like guilt.

Do yourself a favor and stop trying to figure out what all your MLCer's actions mean or you'll drive yourself insane.

Put your focus on you and S, much more productive!

[TulsaTime]

Punkin,

Just wanted to make a different observation to the song you sent to your H. The thing is, we just don't know what effect something we do has on our spouses, unless they tell us.

I have read several accounts of heartfelt or kind gestures that were made by a person to another, and there was no reciprocation (that was evident) Some time later, it was revealed by the one who received it, how much it meant.

This is what is so frustrating. Not knowing what course to take in our interactions or even if we should keep trying.

Remember in the course of our marriages, how many times we overloooked a one word answer, or if they were irritable, or busy, etc? It may have bothered us a bit but we weren't overwhelmed by it. We were secure in our relationship is my opinion.

Now, because the dyanmic has changed, we analyze everything. We are no longer secure. It makes us go crazy.

I think the advice is good, to detach and focus on making your life happy. I haven't quite figured out how to combine detachment with hope though. It seems the two contradict one another.

Maybe someone who is more enlightened can shed their thoughts on this?

[ericmsant2]

Tulsa

Glad to see that you posted. I am not more enlighten than anyone else on these boards - I can only offer my opinion.

Hope - Hope always exists - it exists just because it does. We hope we wake up tomorrow, we hope that we do not die in our sleep, we hope the car turns on tomorrow, we hope we do not get laid off, we hope, we hope, we hope. How much energy do we expand in the above examples? None really...we just hope. So apply this to the idea or HOPE of a reconciled relationship. You can hope...just do not let it consume you.

PIE - You love your H..it is so obvious in your post. I think the struggle you are having is patience and control.

Your H appears to be peeking out and testing the waters. He may still be confused. You are trying to figure out what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say. Stop for a second and ask yourself this question....Do you want your H back because HE love YOU for being YOU?

I suspect the answer is YES..well then PIE...Be yourself. Stop trying to figure out if you should say hello, say goodbye, do this, do that...DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Just be yourself. You know that you should not bring up R talk...outside of that really, just do what you want to do. What you are showing him are the changes in YOU, you are showing him how YOU feel. In the end, he may or may not see it..either way YOU are being true to YOU.

I hope this helps.

GOd Bless,
Eric