It's in the book Not Just Friends ... twenty pages or so... Glass explains it and offers advice on how to process...
NO ONE here will suggest you are unreasonable in the wake of an addictive affair no...
Once the affair is OVER you may want to think about extending more custody, but the child's safety is the first and foremost concern... And if you have been on this forum for a while you will know its NOT a good idea leaving a child in the hands of an addict pursuing a sleazy affair... They are selfish, wreckless, and destructive... And your child shouldn't be exposed to that
And I struggle to admit this is a sleazy affair - he has been with her a year, I think. He thinks it is "time to be honest". I think it's his addiction and escape from the problems in himself and our marriage as he got this gf right away after leaving me. Thoughts?
You think he left you THEN picked up OW? Seriously?
You know how old that story gets?
Sorry be the one to break this to you, but it is very often the case that the OW is the one that pushes your H out the door in teh first place.
The WH keeps THAT a secret and brings her out AFTER he moves out for a while...
Sorry, but I don't buy this "she's new, never knew her before I moved out" story for a second... That lie is getting so old it should have a copywright stamped on it.
He thinks its time to be honest NOW?
No, what he means is its time to attempt to get everyone in our circle of friends to accept OW... I say YOU get to them first and ask tehm all to turn HER AND HIM AWAY and denounce their infidelity...
Expose your H to his family and your circle of friends NOW before he tries to introduce her... RUIN the whole thing and drag his "girlfriend" through the mud...
You are wrong, we had vicious fights when we were married and one that spurred him out the door. I was not innocent either.
HOwever, I have changed enormously since he left. He on the other hand stated a new life of partying, and seeing OW three months after we were apart. WE were supposed to start MC on the fouth month to work on our marriage - never happened. Now I know why.
I know this is the truth. I have told his mother, and one of his friends. That's it. I'm sure his brothers know from his side - in fact the little brother is the one with the drugs and who he hangs out with with OW.
He has a clear conscience to say he "decided to leave and move on". Seriously. That didn't stop him from eventually going to MC because he was "unsure" for five months - all to lead me to signing the legal sep papers. He dangled possible reconsiliation in front of me until the legal sep was final. Then he stopped MC, told me he wasn't coming back, and bought an airplane.
This is why I struggle with it being an "affair" vs. "moving on".
But legally if you arne't divorced its adultery... an affair...
Moving on CILVILY involves CONCENT and honesty.. He didnt' DO that did he? He HID this from you and you caught him somehow?
SOrry I have heard the "moving on" and "we're separated I can do as I please" arguments before.. I dont' buy them.
Being under different roofs doesn't dismiss the need for courtesy to your spouse... And "hey I am THINKING of putting myself on the market.. are YOU OK with this... are we DONE?" IS in order for a separation...
We have many people on this forum who have encountered infidelity during separation... even some WS on here who started teh affairs during separation and ADMIT it WAS an affair and even FELT like one.
Sorry, but I dont' buy it.. if you are giong to argue your h's case for him then why fight it?
LOL good point. I'm just putting out there what he would say, and trying to figure out the reality - and what I really think. I agree with you.
He also yelled and screamed at me for hours a couple of times when I stated that my lawyer suggested we move the separation date up to later - now I see it was because he didn't want to legally be "cheating" before we were legally separated.
Anyhow legally it doesn't make too much difference - in my state anyone is free to file for D if they want and "infidelity" can't be used in the case.
And I also see that he didn't want to file for D first because he was afraid of an expensive D - he wanted to persuade me into having a legal sep agreement that was uncontested and to use in a D. Case. Now I am opening it back up for more custody under "best interest of the child" which I can do at any time, even post D. He's going to flip out when he sees I"m starting an expensive D case.
And the GUILT again suggests he KNEW he was cheating...
I am going to suggest you also ask your lawyer to include a "no paramour" order in place if you can do this in yoru state.. it disallows your WH from exposing your son to OW..
You need some good truth darts to throw at him.. statements.. NO ARGUMENT is going to sway him once he's addicted.
I could be wrong, but I have seen so many people on this forum discover the affair started MUCH SOONER than they thought it did... NONE of them wanted to believe it...
Q : How did you find out about his affair? What work have you done to trace back the timeline to confirm teh info is accurate and complete?
Like I said, H wanted to reconsile, just not immediately. I agreed to wait until month four for MC. Whenever I would mention D, he was the one saying, "no no wait a minute" ...his studio apt was month to month and only to be temporary.
He attended just a couple of MC apps before quitting. He was rageful the entire time and blurted out something about sleeping with someone else (and all the crap about how great it was and how all our problems were mine to own up to - of course) - at that time, I thought it was just once but he stopped going to MC, got a bigger apt with a lease, and started being rageful toward me and S.
That's the extent of my knowledge. It's totally unlike him too. He was the conservative one in our Marriage - I thought it was a reaction to our problems, apparently he's kept it going with her - although I don't know how intensely = for the past year. He's only mentioned it a handful of times.
Q: What are truth darts?
PS I have no idea if the "no paramour" thing exists - I hope so but if the lawyer didn't mention it, I don't know. I'll definitely ask!~
Rage is very common with infidelity... I still suspect the timeline... Sorry, but I am having trouble buying it... It is VERY common for spouses having affairs to start to rage all the time.. It's how they clumsily process their guilt...
Wow. Everyone in the other forum seemed surprised, you do not.
But let me say that he has always had this side of him =- it's why I had pain in my marriage. I felt that it was when I tried to "talk" to him about it things would escalate and yes, I said and did bad stuff too. But I lived walking on eggshells previously, always wondering when I would get snapped at, insulted, grumbled at, blamed, accused, etc. INW - not a new problem.
However, it increased tenfold after we broke up.
What a nightmare this is! It's painful enough to be dumped for OW, but then to be verbally abused on top of that - and to have a child in the middle to top it off!
