The anger is guilt processing... People on this forum mostly interpret infidelity as an ADDICTION.. And addicts can RAGE with the best of them.. I don't know if you have experience dealing with alcoholics or such, but this isn't much different...
Rage is pretty common... Spring in After the Affair makes an excellent comment :
Certainly while you are having the affair, and even after it's revealed, you may feel more anger toward your partner than guilt. That's because the two emotions are inversely related: The greater your anger, the less your guilt; the more venom you direct at your partner, the less you direct at yourself. The anger you experience may be a legitimate response to the way your partner has treated you, or a defense against the guilt you feel for what you've done("It is human nature to hate those whom you have injured," wrote Tacitus, almost 2,000 years ago). What makes it hard to know the difference is that anger always feels justified -- it's a basic characteristic of the emotion.
No not before. Ihave not detailed what led to him leaving, but I'm pretty clear on what made him leave in the first place - it was a reacton to me. So was getting and OW and all the anger, I suppose.
The above makes so much sense! I've always assumed it was his natural anger towards me. I did not realize this had to do with OW. I also did not realize he was doing prescription drugs illegally. All suspect. And why L is going to say that being with me is "best for the child."
Now if only to find a way to stop it. I have gone dim (Havent' done NC because I don't trust him with S - and he's shifted a stunning amount. He is playing "Mr. NIce Guy" now. More BS. It's who he was inbetween "episodes" when we were married.
IN some ways, this makes it harder for me to "catch" him raging with a tape recorder and such - which by the way he has found before, gotten more verbally aggressive, and even broke a tape recorder once.
You aren't the first.. I think it was cucoon on this forum who said her husband broke her recorder as well when he caught her trying to tape his abuse.
Our situations are similar. I'm going to have to agree with Allen on the timeline. Recently, I had the timeline all figured out. I knew exactly the day he decided. It was MY fault. I worked too much, I was too involved in work, I was negative, on and on. Guess what - these were things that HE said to me. Things he convinced me were true about myself. Since I've escaped his personal attacks on me, I've realized how truly wrong he was about those things. Sure, some of it's true, I'm extremely dedicated to my career, but I've never put my career before my family - NEVER! I'm not negative, in fact, I'm extremely positive and uplifting to people around me, DAILY.
So as I pieced everything together and made it make sense in my mind - I was blindsided this weekend by something that told me that the affair hasn't been going on mere months, it's been probably a year - maybe more. In that time, we planned on buying a new house, we bought a new car, we bought a hot tub, we went on vacations with the family, we went on bike rides together, we had sex, we did ALL sorts of things. When I first suspected that he had really began pulling away, on several occasions, I offered him out after out. He said NO....he said, I was way premature in thinking that it was over, etc. This was all before I confirmed the affair. He even said he missed me and wanted to work on the marriage. We went to MC. I could go on and on. This A has been happening under my nose for so long that there is NO WAY for me to piece it together. It doesn't matter now. It happened, it's happening and it's NOT acceptable.
Please stop blaming yourself. Sure, learn from what you may have done to contribute to the marriage not being what it should be but NO ONE pushes someone to do this to another human being and their S!
Your H is selfish, selfish, selfish! Mine is too. I bet he made you think you were crazy? I bet you thought you might be. I bet he berated you and hurt your self esteem. He did this to push you away and make you THINK this was your fault. Mine did too.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
OMG LH! I am so sorry for you! THat is absolutely awful. I can see where Allen's theory of affairs being addictions really fits in your case - if he can just carry on "as if" nothing were wrong in his M! How devastating! How are you coping? Big hug!!!
It's different for me as he started after moving out - but still I can so relate! I still dont believe, and because I haven't told you the context under which our M bombed you wouldn't know either, that he had OW previously. However, for almost a year, there was this "indecision" on his part...which kept me haning on, and although we didn't do all the things your family did together during this time, there was never a clear cut finality. He never said he missed me, but we were in MC to supposedly work on the M for five months - and of course even though he showed up, he never did work on much.
But YES! H blamed me, made me think I was crazy - TOLD me constantly that I was crazy (it's in my earlier threads), told me all the reasons this was my fault, in fact I started to believe I was crazy. AS you can see by the way I'm asking questions of Allen, I still struggle daily with feeling it's my fault.
I have not been able to be away from him for more than four days because I am scared to leave him alone iwth my son during "his time" due to some really bad situations that occured. You are fortunate to have been able to get distance enough to feel good about yourself again. I'm hoping if I can work out something legally, I'll never have to talk to him if I don't want to.
It was sheer agony being raged at for a year and a half, it's sheer agony the way he tossed our M away for some idiot girl, but to have to constantly see and talk to him is torture. It's even torture when he plays Mr. Nice Guy because I miss that part of him and yearn to have him back against my own better judgement. It's just so hard to detach.
I don't think you're unreasonable to want primary custody. IMO even, it's what's best for your son not even taking into account your H's abuse and possible drug abuse. You've been his primary caregiver for his entire life and he is still a very little boy--almost a baby still. To disrupt that is not good, IMO, and shuffling him back and forth 50/50 is not a healthy way for him to spend these formative years.
And i don't care what dirt your husband can make up about your fitness as a parent to fight you, he moved out of the family home and left S in your care. That right there is telling that he trusts S to be in your care.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Thanks Freckle! Glad you found me here!It's so good to know I"m not the only one who feels that way. I feel very strongly about it - and since S has been here with me now for ten days, I feel even stronger. It just feels sane and calm.
It's going to cost me a lot of money and emotional energy, but I want my son here. The courts in my state don't agree - but it is my deepest wish. I don't wish to keep his father away from him, just want him in his own home, with me, a constant caregiver. I'm so scared H will take him away.
Allen - H told me. IN MC a year ago he mentioned he slept with someone else. Then all the crap that came out of his mouth that everyone else here gets - we should have never married, I'm going after what I want, etc. I asked him about it again last Oct. Then I didn't hear about it again until last May when I wasn't feeling well and asked H to take S for a Saturday afternoon and he said S could come with him and OW. Finally, he introduces S to her last weekend. These are the intermittent times he has told me.
No not before. Ihave not detailed what led to him leaving, but I'm pretty clear on what made him leave in the first place - it was a reacton to me. So was getting and OW and all the anger, I suppose.
Was there something different about the incident before he left?
I don't know, but it seems you are taking his word for it about when the affair began. My H was also emotionally abusive throughout the marriage, and when he emailed me telling me not to come to Europe to vacation with him as planned, he blamed it all on me. He didn't say he wanted a divorce. He thought we should take some time apart. He expected I would be waiting at home when he returned. (I was gone.) Turns out he was pursuing another woman the whole time. He doesn't know that I know.
Take some time apart = Steer clear, I am two-timing you and don't want to get caught...
Sorry guys, I just don't buy this I want out business and magically meeting someone else just three months or so later... I don't buy it at all... It NEVER turns out to be a case in fact from what I have seen here..
So many people find out the affair in their home trails back to BEFORE the spouse moved out it ain't funny... its just sad.
It takes a LOT to walk out on a wife AND a child guys... But when you are cheating its a LOT EASIER...
