New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Thanks Tornado. I heard about EMDR. I think my combat stress is mostly under control. I still have issues with being in crowds or having my back exposed. But I am working on that.
My S11 emphasized how much I have changed when I was with the boys this Labor Day weekend. He said I don't yell anymore, I am always calm, and I regained my sense of humor. That's an accurate assessment from S11...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Frankly the school thing was interesting to me. It could be one of two things. She decided to let the kids have the extra time with you (more directly instead of as a spectator). Or she didn't want you to meet anyone at school. She might be uncomfortable with having to explain what you were doing there and/or why you aren't normally around. Who knows what she's actually told the kids teachers/coaches/friends/other parents.

Either way, the end result of having that extra time with the boys is of course great.

Her having not refiled is at least a sign that she is in no hurry. Which is definitely a good thing in that it gives you time to continue trying to turn things around. There have definitely been lots of good things, especially the last few months.

What do you think has been working the best? What can you do more of?

[JR09]

Michelle,

You are right about the school. It did cross my mind as well that she just doesn't want me to be there or meet the teachers, or watch my S13 at football practice. Maybe she told them all about what I USED TO BE, which justifies why I am not around. But then, it would destroy her storyline if I show up and everyone sees the NEW ME. Then again, I may be completely wrong.

In any case I really worked hard at regaining trust and doing what she's asked me to do when I'm with the kids: not buy them too many things, giving their meds regularly, etc. I did exactly that. And each time the boys wanted me to buy them something, I'd have them call my W first and ask her if that is OK. That way my W knows I'm not trying to pull a fast one on her.

I noticed my W also worked hard at not saying'No" right away. She pauses, probably rethinks the question and says "yes". Usually it's been no, no, and no. But not this time. I requested more time, I got it. So that's been surprising, to say the least. I think I'll contact a bit more, just to try it out. A phone call here, an email there. See what happens.

JR

[JR09]

Well, every positive step is a baby step, right? I can't always expect big things to happen. But small baby steps lead to big things...eventually, right?

JR

[MichelleLT]

It sounds like you are both working on things. And that is definitely a good thing! At this point, it is about the co-parenting relationship, but if you can start to rebuild that friendship, you of course have a chance to rebuild a lot more.

Big things are a long time in coming.

It takes a lot of little steps before the WAS is ever ready to actually say something big like "can we date" or "can we give it another try". Months and months and months of baby steps.

Just keep pushing things in the right direction.

There are no guarantees, but you are giving it a chance. Fixing the odds a little bit.

Always a good thing.

[JR09]

Yeah, you are right, Michelle. Hey, when did you know your H wasn't willing anymore to work on the M? Or did you decide it wasn't worth it anymore? Since you were the LBS, what techniques did you use to try to reconnect with your H?

JR

[MichelleLT]

You didn't realize it would be a novel did you?

You can always go through my old threads. They start in November 2007 with H never came back from Iraq parts 1- 5, then I started naming my threads with U2 lyrics.

When I confronted him about his online activities (porn, replying to ads on craigslist casual encounters, inappropriate e-mails and texts) and the PA he was engaging in, he decided the honorable thing to do was ask me for a S. *rolls eyes* Except he wanted me to move because he didn't have anyplace to move to. Not like I did either. Anyhow, it was July of 2007 when I moved out. And he insisted he was done, had been done. Wouldn't do counseling with me, nothing.

I found DBing later that year in my incessant quest to read every book I could get my hands on. Luckily for my finances I did it through the library and only bought ones that really clicked with me, like this.

Slowly I stopped all the pursuing, all the pleading. I started to learn to detach. Meanwhile, OW (alternately known as the TAP (Tart Across the Pond) and SBW (Stupid B!!ch Wh0re LOL)) started to lose her shine. I'd get e-mails, texts, occasionally phone calls. I would get on here and plan responses, practice validating, and practice biting my tongue. I rarely initiated contact with him, and didn't always respond right away. It definitely piqued his curiosity. When I posted pictures online, they were happy fun things. I went back to some old hobbies, found some new ones, did a lot of introspection and became much more conscious of how I interacted with him. Even if you don't think they can see the changes, the GAL, some of it comes across in how you interact with them.

In about May 2008 XH proposed that we could see each other, but he wasn't promising anything. His PTSD was still in full swing as was his drinking. But this was the chance I had been waiting for. Looking back I realize I should have set more boundaries and just given things more time because of his mTBI, PTSD, and addiction to alcohol. But I didn't. And a month and a half later he was back with OW and I was bitter all over again.

He didn't file for D until April of 2009, but he talked about it here and there. His thing was since I was in law school, I should do all the paperwork, cuz he's not good at this stuff. Then the script went, I say but I don't believe in D, then he'd say, I don't believe in D either, but it's the only way I can be happy, you're only doing this to make me miserable. Then we wouldn't talk for a while, a couple weeks, then out of the blue I'd get a message feeling me out. We went through this cycle a lot, and I kept detaching just to protect myself.

After being S a year and a half, I met Roger. We started dating, I told him my situation, that I wasn't looking to get serious, yet somehow it did.

My XH was still being nice to me some days, screaming at me about D others. I had had enough though. It wasn't fair to Roger to keep the door open, I had to make a decision. I told my XH I would go along with the D. He filed, everything finalized, and he still tries to be nice to me some days. And then others, he wants to rant about how my being friends with his family is awkward for him and I should stop talking to them. *rolls eyes*

It messed with my head so much I had to cut back on the contact. I stopped answering the phone, delayed replying to texts and e-mails. I didn't want to be friends with my XH, I wanted my M back, I wanted the man I M back. But I knew that I couldn't have it, he was still breaking up and getting back together with OW at predictable intervals, still drinking, only beginning to admit that maybe I was right about his PTSD and grudgingly admitting that he might need some help dealing with it.

Even from the beginning (probably around December of 2007), I had set a deadline to myself. If he hadn't come to his senses and he let the D finalize, I was done. My DBing would be over. There was nothing to bust at that point. It would be time to move on.

Ultimately, I moved on for two reasons. Because I had met someone else and because he let the D finalize. I was the one who finally made the clean break. In about 80% of cases on here (maybe even more), it's the LBS who finally decides the fate of the M.

[JR09]

Michelle,

THANKS for the input. You definitely know what it must have been like to live with someone with PTSD. You know my story so I won't rehash it. I can tell you really struggled with your XH going back and forth with his feelings, playing mind games, etc. The PTSD definitely does that, I sure can attest to that when I was at my lowest point. I think that was the breaking point for my W.

Michelle, I have to tell you maybe I am in some form of denial, still believing that my W will come out of her fog of war. That's why I still wear my wedding ring for the past 2 years of S, and I am not interested in anybody else. It's hard, but I keep the faith that something will eventually happen even if my W said she is not coming back.

Thanks for the input. Sur appreciate it a lot. You've come a long way and definitely deserve to be happy. Like you said, the LBS usually decides the fate of the M. I'm not sure I am ready yet to make that decision...

JR

[Doodi]

In about 80% of cases on here (maybe even more), it's the LBS who finally decides the fate of the M.

I've never looked at it that way, but I guess you are right. I am the WAS in my fam and my H always says everything is up to me. I don't think he even sees that his actions will have a direct effect on my thoughts/decisions.

Well that's what I take from your words.

Doodi

[john28]

In about 80% of cases on here (maybe even more), it's the LBS who finally decides the fate of the M.

I've never looked at it that way, but I guess you are right. I am the WAS in my fam and my H always says everything is up to me. I don't think he even sees that his actions will have a direct effect on my thoughts/decisions.

Well that's what I take from your words.

Doodi

I don't know that's what was meant. I've read lots of threads on here by the LBS, and what ends up happening a lot of the time is the LBS is motivated to make big changes at first to get out of their depression and "win" back favor with the WAS - usually after a S. The WAS just stagnates and doesn't make many changes. Before long, the LBS, if they are good, has detached and made themselves a better person. The WAS has only detached.

Then the WAS flounders on whether to file or not. Commits to it, then changes their mind silently. The WAS keeps saying to themselves, "My LBS sure has made a lot of changes, they seem happy, they seem like a good person now. I wonder if..." and they come and go in and out of that mentality.

Then one day the LBS decides they have moved on in every part of their life except with their WAS. Then, the LBS becomes the WAS.