Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

You guys have kids together, you need to buck up, I am in tx as well, that is why I used that term.

It is tough, we are all in a tough place, but you need to man up and deal with what is going on. For you and your kids, I don't like my sitch either, but you have to live your life for you and your kids. Don't let her get the best of you. When kids are involved you have to be strong for them, you have to be their rock, period. Don't pout, sulk or be angry in front of her, you could have used this interaction to your advantage and been happy and giddy.

Its OK that you didn't but think about it. You need to SHOW her you are moving on.

>>>>>> I have been here for 10 years, with first W, busted D then backslid to no return. Back 3 years ago with 2nd W and busted it again, to be here again I would say I am a lifer here. I am not as technical as others, but I will comment when I see things that are out of whack!!!!

[Ready2Change]

As Coach likes to say, "LEAD." Your actions should be "I thought it'd be fun to take the kids to the amusement park on Saturday. You're welcome to join us." If she pouts, bitches, moans, or whatever, YOU STILL GO, and you remain UPBEAT about it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

R2C I thought this was worth posting here:
Coach-

Gr8, I agree with Puppy. Once I got served I knew it was basically one year until it was final. So I was already dead and had nothing to lose. What I did know was that what I was doing wasn't working. Solution: become attractive without pursuing. My goals became for me to get her to come to me. She asked me out, she showed the first affection, she initated ML , she told me she wanted to do the work to reconcile. I learned what I could about attraction, the differences in communication, I stayed busy, I wanted her to spew on me, I was aware of what she needed and why. Then I used what I had learned and tried things a little bit at a time. It amazed me when things worked just like I had been told (Because my sitch was unique just like everybody else's.)
You do have to let go, it's a game changer.

[Ready2Change]

Seems a lot of people here struggle with what their WAS is doing and what they should be doing. LBS struggle with letting go of their anger and finding compassion for their spouse. One of the first things to do in any conflict resolution is find some common ground then seek to understand the other sides perspective. So lets find some common ground then seek understanding.

180 - behave differently, detach- WAS ahead of LBS, Act as If - we call it Fog, GAL - good for both sides, Goals - WAS have plans, Take care of Yourself, Going Dark, LRT - WAS BTDT

So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.

So why try and fight or hold back someone who is desperately trying to self-actualize and find their true self? That's the wisdom and magic of letting them go. If you love them wouldn't you want them to be the best they could? The WAS also wants you to grow and be your best, they show it by leaving a unhealthy R. A WAS is trying to establish boundaries in the only way they know how. A unhealthy R is not good for you. The WAS is not your enemy. They show a different form of tough love.

Our goal is still to save your marriage. When you can understand and find some compassion for what your WAS is doing it helps you detach, grow and think better. Get ahead of your WAS and learn how to use the right tools, learn what works and why and find out all the different ways you can love someone.

[Gardener]

^^^THIS^^^Is excellent!

Thank you, Coach and R2C.

Peace,

[Ready2Change]

Wise words from Dan:

A marriage takes WORK to be successful. Not all times will be as good as you would like. It is a LONG_TERM commitment that goes through many phases. If there are things you don't like, speak-up and work to make them better. Don't just get-up and leave. The 2nd time around isn't easier and I'm not sure that being alone is the answer either. The divorce rate just goes up for each consecutive marriage. It is not pretty. You just carry your problems from one relationship to the next if you don't work on fixing them.

My Thoughts: During the bomb/post bomb phase, The WORK required is different than the work required when the other person is also working on the R. Know the difference and apply the new learned behavior to improve the R.

[Ready2Change]

Well, establishing custody for the NOW doesn't have to mean you are done with the R. The marriage and custody are two separate issues.

The time you have with your children isn't about the marriage (or not) - it's about creating the best possible scenario for you and the children. If things change between the two of you that is great! If not, well, you have created framework for your new family (you and the children).

Plus - if she did want to get back together and you decided to take her back lots of stuff would have to happen and it won't happen overnight. In the meantime no reason you can't keep building for you!

[Ready2Change]

Dropping the rope and detaching are external things at first. But you have to start somewhere and in most cases the "somewhere" needs to be tangible.

If you were trapped in a burning house and your body was engulfed in flames you would not be wondering how to treat the burns and what he recovery time will be. You will be wondering how the hell to GET OUT. Once you are out then you focus on the recovery.

Dropping the rope gets you out of the burning building. Once you are out it's a long road to recovery. You can only recover from the fire once it's extinguished.

[Ready2Change]

I do realize that since she's pulled the lawsuit trigger, it'll be that much easier for her to pull it again.

W e-mailed me and asked if I'd go to lunch with her next Monday to chat. I said ok.

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god, have you learned NOTHING in your time on here????

[Ready2Change]

Sit her down one day and just be straight with her,
"look this whole process we're going through is because you weren't happy with us or specifically with me. I just didn't do it for you anymore, and you really didn't enjoy being married to me. Looking back I can see you felt like this for quite some time, its the reason why you had that first affair and it's the reason why we split up this time. I get it and I'm fine with it, and it's time for both of us to move on, I won't be knocking down your door begging you to take me back because it's not what I want anymore, truth be told I don't know what I want but I wasn't happy back there either, it's time for both of us to accept this break from each other and explore our options and see what life has in store for us. We're going to have to communicate and be civil with regards to the kids, I know I will do my part in that, but as far as all of this other stuff, maybe it's time you tried taking care of this stuff by yourself instead of always relying on me to do it, not being mean or punitive but I'm a busy guy too and between the kids, my work and my personal life, there isn't a lot of time left over to be available as much as I am to you, I hope you can respect me enough to give me my space now that we're no longer together."

Don't text a message like that,
you sit them down the next time you see them,
and you start it off by saying
"Maybe you should sit down, we need to talk about something...."

takes less than a minute and it has a lasting impact,
because you did it in person, you initiated the conversation, you were genuine & honest enough to do something about the situation and you asked for space.

Doing it by email or txt would never accomplish the same thing. Emails & txt can't convey body language & sincerity expressed in your voice tone.