Ok, Allen, I know where I stand internally. Now I need help with a game plan. I need help with boundaries (big time - had a backslide tonight - might post it later, but too tired now).
Given - we're separated, and he considers OW a gf, not infidelity, and presumably that OW knows he's married...
I was reading this on another thread...is this something you suggest for me as well?...
"And again you don't threaten consequences.. you just DO IT
She will blast you
You use the confrontation script again
a - g
Then you exit and wait...
She does it again
You bring what consequences you can down on her head
She blasts you
you restrict her again
She will gradually realize you won't be a doormat... She will realize if she cheats, there are consequences and she will curb the activity and try to play fair...
usually.. this isn't 100%, but you need to set a boundary here and show what happens when its violated"
AT this point, I cannot worry what he finds "attractive" I have lived too long trying to meet his needs and pull his interest back toward the M with consistent disappointment. Right now I am intersted in what might encourage him to see that what he is doing is hurting our son, me and our marriage.
Last night I failed at DB- tried to talk and explain my worries, why do I keep thinking he will understand?
If you want him to stop hurting you, you need his respect first... People have no inhibitions about hurting people if they don't respect them.
Respect I think needs to come first... This isn't about being appealing, its about character. I know its hypocritical given his behaviour. But until he respects you, he's not going to concern himself with what he's doing to you or his kids.
I'm just getting here, so I apologize if I'm going over old ground...
Have you tried setting him free? Sending him a "Protection Letter", and having all communication about S5 done through a third party?
Encouraging him to rejoin the M doesn't seem to be working, and it's making you miserable. You're right; let him feel the consequences of his actions. Remove yourself from his life for a while so he can see that you aren't the cause of his unhappiness.
Between your H's addictions to OW, drugs and online RPG's, suing for full custody seems like the right thing to do. You don't want your child in that environment, and he is definitely not acting like a fit parent right now.
Yes, this is my point. You assert the importance of protectiong teh health of you, your family, and the home it takes attention OFF of him and ONTO what he's doing...
He will respect you for protecting his home.
Example :
You are hurting me, our children, and the stability of this house hold... You need to leave.
You are a hurtful person, mean, cruel, and selfish... you need to leave
The first one is a lot more respectable of an approach...
You don't need his agreement for the first one... You just say it and exit the convo... the second one is weak and invites a lot of debate
THX friends. BTW I am not "asking him to leave" we are separated. He comes over two out of his three nights to have dinner and put S to bed since he is small, but he doesn't take him the whole night. In other words, I can't ask him to move out, he already did that over a year ago.
As for setting him free - he's been free. He was fence sitting (at least that's what he told me, and we were in MC - could have been lies as there was OW) for a long time, then in May told me he wasn't coming back. We stopped MC then and I have gone dim. If you see a way that I"m not setting him free, pls explain.
I have not had a third party take S because there is drop off only one night per week. I also have watched H closely to make sure he is not losing his temper at S as he tends to be verbally and emotionally abusive, or staring at a computer screen when around S much of the time.
