I am not sure, but here is what I've come up with after thinking long and hard - what do you think?
-NC - no more cake eating, "being friends", "family time" etc -no phone calls included - only email -going to the Lawyer this week - fight for more custody (now he has 50%), make him pay the lawyer fees, get him to have to take a drug test and not take s5 in his airplane, parenting classes and anger management classes, no paramour, and keep the status quo (he has S only one night per week) -No more of me being flexible and taking S on "his" nights
AFter introducing S to OW without telling me a few weeks ago, I get an email this weekend, saying "How would you feel if OW is around during my time with S on Sunday. I"m not planning on it, but it might happen and you said you would prefer to know ahead of time".
I saw red. He knows how I feel! Or at least he should, I've told him till I'm blue in the face! And, I asked him to consider and respect my feelings, not "let me know" when he is going to disregard them. So, the meeting with the lawyer this week. He is never going to respect my words. Let's see what he does with my actions.
No, I didn't ask him to warn me when he's going to disregard my feelings. This is how he rewrote what I said. I had said I was in no way comfortable with S5 being around OW and that it was not ok with me and if he was wanting to do that we need to go to parenting classes, read articles, and AGREE how and when if at all it is appropriate to introduce S to someone we are dating. The point is he introduced them when I had clearly stated it wasn't ok with me. H tried to say "well if you aren't going to COMPROMISE with me" (MC lingo!!!grrr!!) then you can't control what what I do and I'll just do it without talking to you , BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY GF.
He claimed to "not remember" when I told him I thought it was in no way appropriate for OW to meet S, and even we had a huge argument that lasted days!!!!! I still remember it because I had to stay at a friend;s house and it was so traumatizing I started going dim then. He claims to "not remember" this. Paleez!!!!
He refuses to see -this is bigger than just introducing S to someone he is dating. This OW is the reason (or excuse!) he decided not to work on our marriage. He will not listen to me when I say this nor see my point of view, but it's what I"ve come to believe through this forum.
H is not only disrespecting our M by shacking up with OW, but he is disrespecting how it I and S5 feel to introduce this interloper.
Make more sense?
I don't know why I keep trying to TALK to him, like I can reason with an addict! So ok - ACTION.
YOu ARE reasoning with an addict my dear... Infidelity IS an addiction like all the others... dangerous, destructive, and selfish....
The list is a good start. He's going to respect consequences a lot more than your feelings right now If he has to get a drug test done because he chose to introduce your son to OW then he may think twice He's not forgotten you told him, he's just being passive aggressive... most of them are about this stuff The thing is, he has consequences he can hurt you with - you son You need something to bring him back in line and cooperate with you... Right now he clearly isn't capable of negotiation without leverage of some sort on your part
Right, I know - addictions: OW while still legally married to me, and possibly drugs. Even if used recreationally, very worrisome.
I don't know what other consequences I can hand him since he has moved out and gotten the fantasy life he thinks he wants - except to go to the L and act on the stuff previously mentioned: drug test, parenting class, anger management class, custody battle detailing his abuse and neglectful behavior, and of course, a hefty lawyer bill. He's getting a drug test because he's admitted doing illegal drugs. He's getting a custody battle and parenting classes because he's introduced S to OW (and been verbally and emotionally abusive to both of us).
NC I guess is the only thing. He must get a lot out of treating me like crap, luring me into reacting, and then pointing a finger to justify his actions. I will not give him this anymore, "trying to reason" with him definitely included - it becomes a forum for him to continue to argue and then blame me for being difficult. THen when I pull back he's Mr. Nice Guy and like you said all this is is passive aggression because more secrets come out. ONce I drop the rope and he can't play me, has consequences, we'll see what happens.
He works alone, from home, a computer guy. Nobody to answer to. He claims he uses them to "relax" from his "anxiety".
There is no exposure. He moved out, then got a gf. I told him mom, and although she said "sorry he's being an a$$," she also told me she is going to be partial to her son's side. Frankly, his whole family is passive aggressive and avoids each other so I don't think they care. The ones he has told presumably agree with him that if he is separated, he is "free" to date whomever he wants. REmember, both brothers are drug addicts, dad is abusive, and mom is a sex addict. Parents are divorced.
PS I'm also going to ask L for a "no paramour" thing - I don't know if we have them in our state.
Also, what are "truth darts" - you advised this earlier back: "You need some good truth darts to throw at him.. statements.."
OK, the only other exposure route I can think of right now is whomever he works for... If they know he's using drugs recreationally they may chose not to work with him...
This is the problem with marriages with unhealthy social circles... your WH has surrounded himself with people that live unhealthy lives... So when things get tenuous the people around him aren't prepared to help at all...
