Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

[BeingMe]

Just found you again, Pie. So sorry to hear there is a OW. I know that dropped in the stomach feeling, for sure. Caught up with your posts, and a word stuck out, skidonk. Now, I only know one country where that is used, and it's where I'm from. If I'm wrong, then sorry, or jammer?

Anyway, whether you are or not, we are certainly going through a rough time. You more than me at the moment. Have you been to see a lawyer yet? You need to find out what your rights are. If there is another woman in the picture, then there may be a chance he will act on getting a divorce, and it might be a good idea to be prepared.

Take care.

[pie]

Beingme : Hehe - Nee liefie - glad nie

That sinking feeling, very quickly got replaced with anger, and now with an air of utter calm. I have no idea why, I sort of feel like I'm above stooping to that level, so I'm sortof ok...weird, I think anyway.

Watch in a couple of hours I'm gonna come back on the boards as a stark raving lunatic yelling profanities and cursing

He wanted a divorce right at the beginning, then sort of changed his tune half way through. I think the only reason I havnt gone to a lawyer, is because I couldnt care less about the money, I can survive ok on my own (albeit downgraded - but never had a problem with living with what I've got), and never married for money, and have a sort of pride thing about it. Dont really want money from someone who divorced me. Maybe thats idiotic, but thats how I feel.

Besides, I know him very well, he is very caring, and loving man, and he would never ever reach the point of seeing his son in squalor or anything like that. So I dont even worry about it.

I'll put my little white flag up, cause all I really wanted was him.

[punkin]

Pie,

I'm very sorry you are going through such a tough time. I understand completely. I thought I was completely through the tunnel and them BAM! back on the rollercoaster, and the lows are SOOOO LOOWW. You can't get the idiot to turn off the movie that keeps playing in your brain day and night.

First, if you aren't sleeping, see your doctor. You can't be there for your son if you are a zombie.

Second, start detaching. Go as dark and get as far away as you possibly can, mentally if not physically. It's the only band-aide I've found that works. And that Band-aide scrapes off sometimes. Anger reopens the wound and here we go again.

Third, and most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOU. No matter how much we love our spouses, and how they've 'taken care' of us, at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves.

Hoping you have a better day today. ((HUGS)))

[pie]

Thanks Punkin, Its so nice to be able to talk to people who understand it all.

My sleeping is a bit erratic, most nights i get a good night sleep - out of sheer exhaustion, others I wake up at 1am and cant 'get the idiot to turn that movie off'!

Detaching - any tips on how to detach and go dark emotionally, would be gladly welcome, i seemed to get it right a little while ago, but I think the stresses and strains of getting though this are weakening me emotionally a bit

I think I've run out of band aids!!!

[BeingMe]

Your sitch is quite new, isn't it?! So, I would think there is a long road still, before you are able to detach completely. I found I could do so for a few days at a time, then sink into despair and wishful thinking. It took me about 6 months to finally drop the rope, stop hoping H would get it together, and realised that I can only control myself.

Be distant, little to no contact, mysterious almost. Try to make him wonder what you are doing, which keeps him thinking about you. Don't try making him jealous, but do try to make him think you are slowly moving away emotionally. Eventually, it becomes true, unless something dramatic happens. I just feel for your son. It must be so confusing for him.

Sleep can be erratic ... just find a way to relax before bed.

Sorry, can't help much more. Will think of what more you could do. Of course, you don't have to do anything .... just wait him out. I get the feeling he's not that sure about what he wants, so he's trying to have it all.

Take care.

[Upside]

Detaching - any tips on how to detach and go dark emotionally, would be gladly welcome, i seemed to get it right a little while ago, but I think the stresses and strains of getting though this are weakening me emotionally a bit

What has helped me when I am feeling weak and want to make contact is to remind myself that nothing is going to change if I do make contact and that it will just set me back if I do. I tell myself that if or when my H is ready to come forward, he will...until then I am better off with distance. Each time you tell yourself things like this and keep yourself detached, it does get easier.

Just remember that you are ultimately in control of what thoughts linger in your head.

[pie]

BeingMe - I suppose its new-ish - in terms of how long MLC lasts. The bomb was end Oct 09, but he only moved out end march '10. So hes been gone almost 6 months, but since the bomb its been 11 months Gosh...bit scary how long its been since the bomb.

Yes my son is very confused, although I try to make it sound as if the set up is completely normal, not sure if thats how I should be doing it tho - because he's getting a completely false sense of what a family should be. I feel reaaaaally bad about it, but the alternative is to say daddy doesnt know if he loves mommy and thats why hes not living here, and that feels worse - like more damage, I dont know Can someone help me with that also?

But like I say, I do mention constantly that I love daddy and daddy is the biggest strongest man in the world etc , and I try to make sure that he knows that there is love between mommy and daddy, but again - dont know if thats better or worse here

[pie]

Upside, thank you so much for your advice. I agree it would help to think before I feel something, or let myself feel something, will be trying that .I will try to remember that my thoughts might set me back...before I let myself think them. Its really tricky though, why do I have a hard time with this? Goodness, this is exhausting.

Weird thing. Last night I had a dream about a male friend - I'm not attracted to him,at all, but for some reason I dreamed he was cuddling me, and just being affectionate. I was on cloud nine, and woke up remembering just how much I need that. Its like air for me. Having no affection in such a long time is clearly wearing on me, and I feel like if H isn't gonna come round soon, i don't know how long I can go waiting for that feeling again We all need and deserve some love and affection, and being a pisces, i really have it as one of my basic needs. Is that wrong?

It was so wonderful sigh......its already fading, the dream. Wish I could have a dream like that every night - it might get me through....

Pie needs some love

[Walking]

Pie some of the most important advice I was given when I was going through my marriage crisis is that physical touch is very important and while you are separated you should try to find substitutes for intimate touch.

Make a weekly appointment for a massage, make sure you continue to hug your friends and family, buy yourself some gorgeous new luxury towels, so that when you are out of the bath/shower you are touching yourself with beautiful soft fabrics.

You're quite right, touch is fundamental for all of us (not just Piceans!) and you need to make space for it in your life.

Take care, Blessings v

[BeingMe]

I agree with Walking. I hugged my kids a lot during my sitch, but since you don't have any, massages are good. Hug friends, and family more often. Maybe, get a pet to take care of, unless it doesn't fit into your lifestyle.

Thinking of you.