Yeah - you're right about the concert - same with movies. Although, there was plenty of time before and after, and inbetween groups to interact. I guess I'm just used to having those little things between H and I. You know - the lookover during mutual appreciated songs... a squeeze of the hand during something meaningful - laughing together over stuff. All of that was missing and it was just so sad to me.
I think doing something more adventurous like you mentioned above would be great. Definitely 180s from the norm. I used to go horsebacking all the time but it's been AGES. Never been rock climbing...sky diving....I'd have to work up the nerve, but hey, you never know!
I did go back and read the first page of the start of this thread, just to see how things have progressed for me. I need to get back to holding H accountable to the "plan" of improving the M.
It's a difficult line: I don't want to pursue but at the same time, H is supposed to be willing to work on things. SInce he's not doing anything right now to work on the M really, I am wondering if I should hold him accountable to that and how. On one hand the advice is to not bring up R but to let WS do so... on the other... if H is not doing any work toward the R, it isn't going to get any better by itself as we've stated above!
Just my thoughts before heading to bed. I truly think H feels like his just being here and not leaving - and being somewhat pleasant is good enough. It's not. It's a start but it's not enough for changing things.
Sunny I understand what you're saying. But don't overlook the possibility he's in processing mode still.
Men are funny creatures like that. We tend to process alone and think things through.
That's why I suggested the innocuous plans. Something non-threatening. It's working on the marriage in a subtle way. Of course there's going to come a time when you both will have to openly look at the issues in the M and actually communicate about them.
In the meantime keep doing things for yourself. Keep building yourself a nice life.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Sunny I understand what you're saying. But don't overlook the possibility he's in processing mode still.
Men are funny creatures like that. We tend to process alone and think things through.
That's why I suggested the innocuous plans. Something non-threatening. It's working on the marriage in a subtle way. Of course there's going to come a time when you both will have to openly look at the issues in the M and actually communicate about them.
In the meantime keep doing things for yourself. Keep building yourself a nice life.
Yep - probably still processing, for sure. I'm sure it doesn't help that I am still processing too. One day I'm thinking I need to have more patience with all of it and the next, I feel I should be more productive: that allowing things to continue as is will just cause a constant stream of more of the same. I mean, why should he change anything if he doesn't have to, right? Yet, maybe - as some suggest - it's too soon to expect him to feel good enough about the R to actually start working on it.
I ask myself - isn't HE tired of living like this too??? Doesn't he want a partner and the good times back??? (Thats rhetorical, of course.)
Thought I would take a quick moment to update. Not much to add, really, except I am working through frustrations this week. I see positive progress yet I am feeling impatient. I know it may take some time for H to feel fully committed again, but it's hard for me wait. Now that I know my own worth, I believe I am deserving of a good man who wants to be my partner! (I know, this is a common theme among my last dozen posts...lol)
I guess the thing is, I have to go through life right now without that and just rely on my other relationships to get me through this time.
Meanwhile, things ARE looking up with H. No "ILY" yet or full affection, but his pleasantness does not feel forced anymore. He has taken initiative to do some things for me and is calling me "honey" these days. Still doesn't call me by my pet name, but honey is a step up from calling me "Sunny" or "Your Mother" (to the kids).
I guess the hard part is that I want to move on from here - to Piecing - yet I do not know that H is ready for that.
I did ask about doing some things this weekend (as suggested above) and he wants to go. That's a start. I know it will be sad for me to go and things be more as friends than a married couple, but it has to start somewhere, I know. We also both really enjoy football (both college and pro) so that's a good thing around our house right now.
At some point I feel I have to get H to commit to MC or something. Our issues are not going to resolve on their own. Also, I need it for my own piece of mind. Women want security - and I feel I have NONE right now - that H could simply change his mind about the M at any moment and say, "I never said I was committed to saving it...." and he would be right: he hasn't. Perhaps that is why I am so impatient right now. I'm feeling insecure.
Women want security - and I feel I have NONE right now - that H could simply change his mind about the M at any moment ....
Security is an illusion. There's no such thing. Anyone, at any time, can just say they're done and walk away. How many people here saw the bomb coming? One minute they're secure, the next minute they're not. My life was 'secure' until it all crumbled down like a house of cards in an instant. Didn't yours?
All of life is like this. We want to BELIEVE we are secure. It's the belief of security that you have until you're insecure, not actual security.
It's an illusion. The only thing secure and constant in this world is CHANGE. Nothing ever remains the same.
Drop the desire for 'security' and accept the reality nothing is secure. Once you stop desiring reality, you won't need the illusion of having it. Now that would be a wonderful thing.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
You can only find security in yourself. It can be had nowhere else. Everyone will let you down at some time or another. You can be secure you are a solid and good person. You can be secure you will tackle problems head on and do your best. You can be secure knowing you are responsible for your internal world; responsible to find and correct any issues you have which stand in the way of you having a healthy and happy life.
You can find security only in yourself.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
