Just read over all of happy_again / finally_frees posts, and its helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Seeing it from their perspective and what they go through helps understand whats going on in their heads, and thats the part I battle with.
It really isnt something they are very much in control of, although it may seem that way - thats what hurts us, but when we see that they can't control it, we arent so defensive, and rather more accommodating and forgiving than we would have been.
Feeling a WHOLE lot better. I wish there were more post MLC people who would share so generously as he did, it reeeaaly helped....
Pie - I would recommend also reading the posts from Favoriteweirdo - I posted the link above. There is also another thread that I will try to find that included postings from other MLC "graduates." If I find it - I will post it.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
When the fog finally lifted and you realized the damage that had been done how did you feel, and what did you do?
As indicated earlier, my sitch was complicated and convoluted. XW simply gave up on me while I was in MLC and engaged in a long-distance affair with an old college sweetheart. When the fog lifted sometime in March 2004, the clarity was unreal and I could see what was happening in front of my eyes. I did all the anti-DB stuff to XW (crying, begging, etc) which probably made her dig in further with the affair and she moved out of the house in August 2004.
When XW moved out in August...I had a bad case of PTSD. I couldn't eat, lost too much weight too quickly, couldn't sleep, and had nightmares about the OP. Most of the nightmares centered on physical fights with the OP. The PSTD lasted for about 3 months. It was during this time that I finally, for the first time in my life, set a foot in a counselor's office. During MLC, I was having none of the pie in the sky ideas about MC or even individual counseling.
As you probably can imagine, the grieving period was a bit long. Plenty of self-flagelation.
It was what it was. And I've moved on.
Upside,
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How long do you think it was you before you entered acceptance?
I believe the acceptance part did not come until the fog lifted and it was probably prolonged by the fact that I was engaging in anti-DB behaviors toward XW when I clearly saw her affair. That probably did not occur until sometime in the Fall of 2004. I will need to look up the "acceptance" phase as outlined in HB's thread to see how my acceptance progressed.
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Did ever find yourself telling your wife something that you sincerely meant and then acted to the contrary?
I have no memory or recollection. It is the MLC amnesia and crazymaking talk. It most probably did occur on many, many occasions. However, I do recall making these statements on two separate occasions:
"I am not the bad guy here"
"Something is wrong"
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Were you aware that this was one of your issues and did you have others? Did your issue(s) just resolve themselves or did you have to work through it (them)?
My parents' divorce had a huge impact on my world view. As a 11-year old, I was "powerless" to do anything and I stuffed a lot of emotions deep inside me. That wound stayed inside for many, many years unexamined and unresolved. I believe my MLC brought on those unresolved issues at the very sub-conscious level. The issue both resolved itself and I did the work. So it was a bit of both. After XW moved out, I flew down to visit my family as I was very traumatized after XW moved out...I used this time to talk with family members and obtained some clarity & closure on my parents' divorce. I had long talks with my Dad about the divorce and for the first time I was able to verbalize the pain it inflicted on my psyche. Also while on this DB site, I saw a recommended book on children of divorce on another person's thread so I bought it and read it. Boy...really had to sit through some deep discomfort with the hard truths contained in the book. It aided greatly in understanding the divorce phenomenon and its effects on children.
Spouses of MLCers,
Based on what I've read here, on my personal experience, and my NG's experience, it seems that the MLC brings to the surface issues that occurred at a very specific time frame in their lives which causes the MLCer to act out that age. For me, I behaved like a wounded 11-year old. Other MLCers may have been parentfied at a young age thus missing out on normal stuff --so they act out those unresolved issues. Others may have married at a young age such as right out of high school.
Often MLCers are in the age group of 35-65. Not always the case. More often the male MLCer acquires an OP/OW while the female MLCer seem to simply withdraws from the family unit. The percentage seems to be higher for the male MLCer to have an OP.
These are the clues to why your MLC spouse acts in certain ways. It was as if the "growing up" process was interrupted and the brainwaves or the memory bank was stuck in gear. I could be wrong...but it seems to be the universal signpost of the MLCer.
I'd like to add to your statement about the MLCer being stuck at the point where the damage occurred. HB indicated that the LBS might see several "children" emerging, and I certainly found that to be true.
In my H's case, his mother (who everyone talked about as though she were Mother Theresa) also had a very angry side. When he was young she'd lash out only at him, so he'd take refuge in his (not-so-secret) hiding place, seething with fear and guilt. Once he reached Depression and Withdrawal, some nights my H would lie on the bed looking scared, and sucking his thumb with desperation, looking as though he didn't think anyone could see him. It was unnerving. I strongly believe that was the issue (and age) he needed to revisit and resolve.
At the same time, however, his C identified him as thinking like a 14-year old, and I believe it's quite common for MLCers to be stuck in "teenaged thinking." I don't think this necessarily means that a second sort of trauma happened at that age. Rather, during puberty the brain is completely rewired--but because the MLCer was stuck during an earlier stage of development, the rewiring isn't properly done. And, sooner or later, any faulty wiring is going to cause a huge conflagration!
To get beyond the teenaged thinking, the C worked with my H to recognize the difference between what his teenaged brain was telling him ("Why shouldn't I have an OW if I want one?") and what his mature brain thought, and how to keep switching back to the second one. It was a HUGE battle for H to get to the point where his mature brain was fully in charge, and he felt so proud of himself for fighting the addiction of listening to the teenaged brain.
It must have been 6 months after beginning Acceptance (if that started with him saying he wanted to work on our marriage) that H shook off most of his teenaged thinking, and became happier and more affectionate. Several months after that he began talking about some aspects of what he'd done, and recognizing how and why they were wrong. Perhaps a year and a half after that he said he needed to fully forgive himself for all the hurts he'd caused me, and then stop carrying the issue around with him.
Often MLCers are in the age group of 35-65. Not always the case. More often the male MLCer acquires an OP/OW while the female MLCer seem to simply withdraws from the family unit. The percentage seems to be higher for the male MLCer to have an OP.
These are the clues to why your MLC spouse acts in certain ways. It was as if the "growing up" process was interrupted and the brainwaves or the memory bank was stuck in gear. I could be wrong...but it seems to be the universal signpost of the MLCer.
So what are the options at this point?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
For the options, I believe that those who complete their crises become fully integrated, mature human beings. Those who do not remain angry at the world forever.
My rule of thumb became, as long as H was still addicted to the drama, he wasn't "done." During Replay, there was the drama of reinventing his life (new clothing looks, new hobbies, new sportscar & motorcycle dealers to hang out with regularly) and of the OW (oh she was wonderful! Oh he felt guilty! And wasn't he a hero for "fixing" her unhappy and drama-filled life!). There was also drama whenever he came home and started yelling at somebody (though he claimed that everyone else just caused him to be upset; he wasn't angry until....). He had various scans at the doctor because he had aches and pains that he was convinced were the beginnings of dangerous health conditions. He adored gossip.
At his Awakening, there was a flurry of remorse and intense nightly talks with me, and then a break-up with the OW. During Depression the drama became a lot darker--even if everyone else could get over withdrawal from and OW in 3 weeks to 6 months, what if he was NEVER able to get over her? What if he felt that miserable for the rest of his life? Should he drive his car into a tree on the way to work? He secretly started seeing OW again, this time being picture-perfect jolly Dad doing fun stuff whenever he was with us, because he hoped he could find a perfect balance while keeping both OW and his family.
During Withdrawal, he hardly talked to me, but had intense talks with OW about all his drama. He confided all his woes regularly to a young female co-worker, and even shared all his woes with a boss well known for being the biggest gossip in the industry.
During the first year of Acceptance, he still had periods when he'd talk feverishly about the need to move to another country, buy that sportscar or reinvent his life in some other way, and I knew he was doing some more processing. Sometimes the physical pains and the woe-is-me attitude would also reappear. Phonecalls would begin with, "Is anything exciting happening there?"
However, the more he became like "his old self" and the more satisfaction he was taking from his life, the less he seemed to need drama. Has anyone else noticed this?
For LBS: Unhitch your wagon from the MLCer . Let go. Treat him/her as a roommate with issues. Think back to how you interacted with your roommate/housemate. Did you worry about his/her actions and how you would respond to them? No. Likewise with the MLCer.
Make your own life plans. Do not let life be "suspended" by the MLCer. Continue with your activites and especially surround yourself with friends & family for some levity! MLC is a real drag!
For MCLers: The journey must continue without outside interference UNTIL acceptance and integration takes place. As Cyrena eloquently stated in her posts, MLCers need to resolve their issues on their own terms however long it may take. If they were like me, we don't like being told what to do or not to do. It was a painful time for us (yes...we feel internal pain) despite outward appearances of "living it up" with the OW/OM/OP. The exception would be if your spouse has a NPD.
The integration process is essential to returning to full emotional maturity and re-engaging in the marital relationship along with family members. I was very fortunate. Snodderly's XH seems to be a rarity...still "stuck" even 10 years on. It sems to me that he exhibits an extreme unwillingness to work on his issues or resolve them.
Cyrena,
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Should he drive his car into a tree on the way to work?
In my case, it was the guardrail on a fairly busy highway. My mind was so befuddled thatfor a brief split-second contemplated driving into a guardrail head-on. It was a scary time for me.
MLC Spouses,
Don't read too much into the timeline of bomb dropping. Some occur at the very beginning of MLC and others near the end of the MLC. All are dependent on how far the MLCer has struggled with internalized pain and confusion. For me, my MLC started in 1999 and I struggled and struggled. When it all became too much, the bomb dropping occurred without ceremony or any forewarning in May of 2003.
For an onward integration process, it appears that the average lifespan of an MLC is 3 to 5 years. The key to pinpointing the time your spouse's MLC started is when the actual traumatic event took place. That should be a good yardstick in terms of gauging the average MLC journey.
O...M...G!!! Wonka! I didn't know what NPD stood for so I googled it, and found Narcisitic Personality Disorder. It describes my H to a T
He is/can be an excellent soldier, father, husband, but it given to bouts of grandiosity; must be admired at all times.
So what did you mean by "the exception would be if the spouse had NPD??
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
