Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

The main goal of DBing is for us to become better people, for us to forgive and for us to be able to move forwards with our lives with or without our wayward spouses.

...but I do see my part in the break up of my family.

There comes a time when we have to look in the mirror and truly see ourselves for who we are. To stop the blame game and start accepting responsibility. Own what is yours, and make real changes.

[Ready2Change]

She tells me "I don't know if we SHOULD stay together"?

Agree with her. "I agree. I am not sure I want to be married to someone I can't trust. I have some decisions I need to make."

It means she tested you. She can't believe you would be in a R with a woman who betrayed you. Her question was a statement.

[Ready2Change]

This is the point of the exposure, it SHOULD educate as well... You want to make it EASY for them to avoid the infidelity.

I often tell people to give them an out :


I am not asking you to confront my husband, or sit with him for hours and lecture him about how abusive infidelity is.

What I AM asking for is at bare minimum you won't get INVOLVED with him OR his infidelity. What I AM asking for is for you to REFUSE outings with him and OW. What I AM asking for is for you to simply distance yourself from his abusive lifestyle that is hurting me and even members of his own family. What I AM asking for is you to NOT become PART of his infidelity by socializing with either of them...

We ARE MARRIED still and WH's infidelity is incredibly abusive and disrespectful to me.

Please don't disappoint me or his family by allowing him to manipulate you into becoming part of his abuse.

Just say NO.. It's ONE SYLLABLE...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's not a matter of people "knowing" 4myboys...

The principle is about ensuring that the truth and facts are revealed.

In most cases during infidelity the wayward spouse will spin a line of stories about why they have movedo out, why the marriage isn't working, and why they have filed divorce etc...

They will either lie to everyone that the OW or OM is "just a friend" or they will lie about the marriage being "a mistake" and that they are "moving on"

At the same time in secret they are conducting a sexual affair, or they are cake-eating and leading their LBS on in private...

In some cases the WS is even arrogant enough to lie to their family that the LBS APPROVES of the affair and that they are both "moving on" when the LBS in fact does NOT approve and is NOT "moving on" and very much wants the marriage saved.

The purpose of exposure is to ensure that the TRUTH and the FACTS are readily available to everyone and that the addicted WS is NOT spinning lies and getting away with it.

The exposure on your end should make the following points known :

a. Infidelity is hurtful and you feel devastated
b. You want to save your marriage
c. OW is an interloper and obstacle to the marriage being saved
d. Invite them to refuse to participate in WH's affair by refusing to meet or socialize with either of them until he ends his affair

If you stand by these points, then make them KNOWN to your social circle and RE-EXPOSE any lies your WH is spinning about to people...

This is not to be "vendictive" or "mean"... if anything it is an expression of how much you love your spouse to speak up in public like this and to protect your marriage, your home, and everything you have worked for

[Ready2Change]

...I realized my kids emotions mirrored mine. Not 100% but at least by 70% (if you can measure that with %). that's when I felt really guilty for the devastation they lived through my devastation the first couple of months. That's when I realized I was the strongest role model they had. (Thank God, my brother (their uncle) stepped in and became their male role model)....but I tend to believe kids are affected because of the way their parents deal with it and all the consequences a divorce brings (standard of living, step dads, step moms, change of routines, 2 houses etc etc). It's not a theoretical-vague thing. These are things we can improve, affect and decide how to handle.

[Ready2Change]

I do know that holding onto anger and resentment for your spouse is making your children suffer too, and they are not learning how to cope with adversity well from you if that is your focus.

[Ready2Change]

...I do believe that how we, parents, handle our divorce, plays a HUGE role on how the kids will "adjust" and deal with it emotionally. I've seen it and I lived it. That is why I always urge people here, to separate what they feel for their xSs from what is good for their kids regarding interactions, schedules, etc.

[Ready2Change]

The WAW often believes that their problem is their spouse, which is why they walk. They are usually wrong. Their problem is themselves and walking away from the marriage actually delays or even prevents them from dealing with their issues.

[Ready2Change]

I have a question....

I was reading some things over in the infidelity forum.

I know I made numerous mistakes and was a total basketcase when I first came here.

But I also know now in hindsight that exposing my Husband's affair to everyone backfired.

It didn't make him suddenly want to come home and reconcile.

It made him angry and hostile and only justified his reasons for leaving me.

I was hoping if any of you could post here your experiences.

Thanks so much!!

It honestly worked for me, but it certainly doesn't for everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy (and romance and intrigue), and often when you expose them, it'll IMMEDIATELY kill the affair maybe 25% of the time, in my experience. Others are more deeply entrenched, and it takes longer, and re-exposure, and re-RE-exposure. Others it will NEVER work (no one technique does).

It does pose complications, too. It will make your cheating spouse LIVID in the short-term; some get over that in a day or two, others take longer. Relationships will have to be mended once you reconcile. I personally would definitely do it again (it worked very well), but I probably wouldn't have exposed to my own family -- just my wife's, our adult children, OM's parents and their employer. But that's just me.

I think we all need to try to be respectful of each other's positions on this (and other) controversial topics, and realize that our own experiences are just that -- our experiences. What works for one doesn't work for all, and -- whenever possible -- we should back up our opinions with research whenever possible. Some of the best infidelity authors, researchers and counselors out there DO recommend this as a tactic (Harley, Glass, Spring, Tupy and others), so it's far from a screwball, fringe position.

I think this is one of those "reasonable people may disagree" things.

[Ready2Change]

Either way, you have no influence.

Absolutely you have influence. The reason people get stuck is because they feel hopeless and they grasp for straw (babysteps). You are being watched by your wives, I promise. Focus on the process not the outcome.

Get your mojo back so that you thrive regardless of the outcome. Then you will see the influence you have on those around you. The problem is you guys don't understand what woman want. What's attractive to a woman? Never lose sight of that.

Do you guys know what it takes to let go? What are you letting go of? Why is that attractive?