Amen, Steady! I just stated in my other thread (about our house fire) that very thing: that the work I need to do in this whole process is in not counting on that security!
It's not about not counting on security but realizing that it's a gift you give yourself. Security is very much like happiness. We create our own.
Sunny, I lived in the limbo your in for a very long time. It takes extraordinary patience on your part. Get the Relationship Rescue book and just work the front of it. It's the part you do by yourself. That way it will satisfy the part of you that wants to DO something and you shouldn't sabotage yourself. When you change yourself, your H will have to change how he reacts to you. It's a slow and subtle process.
And, don't discount whatever you're doing now. It's working enough to get the results that you're seeing.
Blue - I have RR just haven't had time to crack it open yet but thanks for the reminder to get to it!
Allen - you're very welcome! It was CRAZY! I just read all of it and can't believe it. I was going to post again but it was locked.
The comment about the kids bothered me because even though my kids are aware of H's inappropriate business, you advocated that after I talked to him about H's "spinning things" that I not engage in anymore one on one conversations with them about H or our R! You very much advocated for an explanation - telling them I was for the M and they should be too - that we loved H and wanted to save things - then to get out of that; to only have family discussions with both H and I together; to tell them to say, "You should talk to mom about that," if H brought anything up further. So much different than what it appeared - that you were advocating dragging kids into the middle. Crazy.
Yup, I never told anyone to expose infidelity to kids...
My main objective is to get the infideilty OUT of the HOME asap
The kids are exposed to infidelty indirectly already, they don't need it shoved in their face...
That thread is so full of false claims and finger pointing its embarassing to be on there... lol
I am just sick and tired of people trying to argue a case with feathers and matchsticks I can't bear it anymore...
lol
Any academic worth their salt would look at that thread and walk away ... It's an embarassment
ANd this mornign when I thoguht the whole thing was finally done I see things have gotten into personal attacks on the quality of people's marriages now... assessments through the forum of who has a healthy marriage and who is justified in offering advice wtih a shaky marriage lol
Ridiculous...
You don't need a healthy marriage to offer an academic reference.. you just need to know how to read...
I agreed with TH that once people can't comeback with intelligent counter-arguments then they just get personal, which isn't right. And if they didn't want to make intelligent arguments, I really agreed - then why start the dang thing in the first place?!
I read over all 10 pp again on my way in to work... there is something being said there but it got buried under the phony arguments, finger pointing, and name calling.
Their point about taking a great deal of caution before using exposure is a fair one to make.. but after ten pages of rant they never just came out and said that... lol
THAT part is GOLD.. it is a powerful strategy but a delicate one... handle with care is certainly a warranted caution to offer up.. .not not ONE PERSON said that outright plain and saimple.. they had to use a personal anecdonte, hurl an insult, or put up a straw man to introduce their thinking and by that time no one's gonna hear anything you have to say... lol
And most of the good posts we made were ignored outright like we didn't even type them lol
Anyways, I HOPE that's over and exposure is an accepted strategy here amongst the others... I refuse to subject myself to that nonsense again...
It's a documented strategy, so use it... delicately .. with care.
Yep. I agree totally. That's why I said in my post that the HOW it is done is so important: wise counsel and consideration... not willy nilly.
I got what Coach was saying about not "getting through" to someone (esp a female) who is going on feelings by trying to reason. He had a good point in saying you have to validate feelings first before you can reason with someone in a disagreement. However, given the circumstances, it would've been hard to do that considering it was not the first go 'round of all of this.
Hi Sunny. Just want to make a comment about the posts over on that thread. I would have posted this but the thread was locked.
The whole problem is the argument about the anticipation of what the exposure to other people will mean to 'other people' as far as a reconciliation down the road.
The problem of it is this - you don't expose the affair to illicit some kind of response from the WAS. You do it for a purely selfish and personal reason - to draw a firm and enforceable boundary for one's own personal dignity and self respect. If someone is doing it to get some kind of effect, they are setting themselves up for a big disappointment.
The reason given by the anti-exposure people is based on a 'guess' of what will happen down the road as far as reconciliation. If I exposed an A and my WAS got pissed off and her family thought I was nuts, then so be it. My decisions and life are not going to be ruled by their opinion or reaction to my decisions. Otherwise, I'm handing over my personal power to the opinions of others and nothing more than a 'guess' of what the future impact will be.
It's utter stupidity for any one of us to believe we can somehow predict how our decisions and actions will impact any person or situation based on the mere fact there are thousands of variable which are uncontrollable.
If my outing an A for to a WAS's family somehow is a catalyst to ending my M then so be it. If the decision is based purely on a personal boundary and a healthy decision to preserve my own dignity then I can still stand with my head held high and say I did the right thing.
These people pretend they can somehow control the outcome of a situation based on how they behave. It's actually utter nonsense in my opinion.
For me, outing the A is the only way to go.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
