I've been trying to be discreet regarding personal info. Basic facts are as follows:
M - 50 W - 46 S - 11 D - 14 T - 20 M - 18 Bomb - 3/28/10 W filed, dismissed, refiled in August '10
In my state, neither party can force the other out of the house unless there has been abuse and if there's been infidelity, she has been really good at hiding it. I have done my homework.
My opinion on this is that you should not explicitly state that you will "Not Be Friends" . If she asks the question then just say sure.
Where's the "thumbs down" button?
Seriously, passive-aggressive doesn't work for me.
I don't see it as passive aggressive. Most people here want their M to survive in some form or they wouldn't be here.
Agreed that one way to achieve this is to "let Go" and just get on with life and maybe they will miss you. Telling them that you are not interested in being friends with them is just telling them to screw off and also in a way tells them that you are too emotionally attached to them to be friends.
We all have that second tier of friend that we dont really keep in contact with but can remain friendly with. They dont know our business except what they hear through a third party and dont really get invited over to our homes. That is where i believe the WAS should be.
Again when there is an A it may be different and was for me. But if there is no A as the poster said then dont burn bridges beyond the point you can rebuild them. If that is what you want.
"let Go" and just get on with life and maybe they will miss you.
Letting go so that they will miss you is a contradiction in terms.
You let go because they want to go, and you can't make them stay, and it's not even healthy to want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you anymore.
If they come back, that's another bridge to cross altogether.
Letting go isn't about winning them back. It's about understanding where you really stand, and just "getting it". It's about understanding where you end and they begin. It's about not trying to control other people and living a good, healthy, and productive life for yourself.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/14/1003:17 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Is making your spouse aware that you will not be friends with them after the D emotional blackmail that will backfire o
It's reality. If they are under the impression that you will be their friend, then you need to set the record straight.
In the future, would your future wife invite your former spouse over for a dinner party thrown for your "friends"? Nope. The fact is that if you divorce and move on, you WON'T be friends.
That's just being real.
It's not something you say to elicit any response, to force them to deal with guilt or any such thing. It's the doggone truth.
Trust me. If you move on and re-marry, unless you want another divorce, you aren't going to be friends with a former spouse.
This all goes back to setting good, healthy personal boundaries.
How would you treat someone that broke an important contract with you, someone that has shown you you cannot trust, and someone that through their own selfish behavior is harming your children? Treat her the way you would treat that person.
BINGO. Or, to paraphrase how Greek so aptly put it, "Never be friends with someone who is suing you."
Well, wait a minute. In my particular sitch I do believe my wife showed selfish behavior that is harming my children, though I now understand the personal issues she has that has driven her in this direction.
However, is it not possible for a couple to honestly grow apart, even if through neglect of the relationship? If it's mutual can they still be friends? Does the fact that one wants the divorce and the other doesn't make the difference? Certainly, the WAS should make the effort to repair the relationship if both parties aren't in agreement, but what if they make the effort and they cannot repair the relationship? Has the WAS still acted in a manner unworthy of friendship?
I'm not taking a position here because I'm not sure how I feel about this myself. I am interested to hear the opinions of others.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Good question. We should have a working definition in order for this conversation to be meaningful. Perhaps we should even have a couple of "degrees" of friendship in order test the appropriateness of each.
The irony in my sitch is that although I did not validate prior to the bomb, I do now and I think my W really values that. She still wants to tell me about her day, her experiences, and her issues. I don't ask about when she goes out with friends, but she wants to tell me about it. On the other hand, I don't offer information about what I do, but she asks me about it.
She still wants this interaction with me and while we are together, I let her come to me for it. But once we are apart . . .
I go back to TH's response. Is your NEW partner OK with you being friends with your Ex-Wife?
Maybe so, but in most cases, I'm betting not. That doesn't mean you can't be cordial or even friendly when it comes to your kids, but you probably cannot be friends.
