As long as the EAs are still occuring, you are facing an uphill battle. SHe doesn't want to share passwords/etc with you because she is cheating. It's the simple.
Do not leave your home. If she wants out, she can leave.
Very clearly state to her that if she is involved with other people, it's not going to work between you to. No if, ands, or buts about it, If she wants out, again, she can leave.
I agree and have made it clear that if she stays transparency will be required. I've also made it clear that I have no intention of moving out and that she will have to leave. And last, I told her an M consists of two people not three. Break the promise of being involved with others and I'll pack your bags for you.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
The EA so far is several emails and chats with her ex-fiance who lives in Brazil. It's a damn fantasy and she knows it. I told her if I get wind that he's hoping on a plane to the U.S. to see her I WILL for divorce and sole custody. Perhaps I'm naive, but I consider him a minor distraction that will be broken off should she decide to R. She's said that if she commits to the M she will give me access to everything.
The more immediate issue is potential new local EA/PAs. On that point I made it abundantly clear that I do not endorse an open marriage and if she can't agree to that condition she must leave. There are no if, ands, or buts about it. Since your in IT you also know that there are methods for passively gathering intel. Trust but verify is now my new motto.
What do you mean by letting go? I've told her that I will not stop her from leaving and I meant it. I've shared financial information and child custody plans. It got her attention pretty quick and caused her to pause. Last Sunday, she asked me if I had a target move out date in mind, I said three weeks, she panicked. I told her I expect some sort of decision within the next week or two. What I guess I'm trying to do right now is talk her down from the ledge and start to see our situation in a more rational way without me pressuring her. I'm trying to give her some space without her actually leaving but I will force the issue if need be.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
I've shared financial information and child custody plans. It got her attention pretty quick and caused her to pause. Last Sunday, she asked me if I had a target move out date in mind, I said three weeks, she panicked. I told her I expect some sort of decision within the next week or two.
All I'd like to add is: set a date. You will provide full transparency on XXXday, September XX or you will carry your stuff inside from off of the lawn every day that you live here.
(In my state you can't make them leave, but you can store their stuff in moving boxes on the lawn and put it out there every day.)
We went to MC last Friday and I thought we had a pretty good session. The MC even remarked that perhaps we were unaware of this but the two of us were exhibiting warmth to each other. On the other hand, we are still in a holding pattern. W still will not commit to staying and for the moment, I agreed to defer a decision until November; my conditions stated above still apply for staying—continue MC and full transparency. I also reiterated that even during the time period she is making the decision whether to stay or go, I expect no contact with OM. What she does when she leaves if we separate is her business but as long as she's living in our apartment, I expect here to act like a married women when it comes to inappropriate contact with the opposite sex.
Now before you all jump on me for caving in, the reality of the situation is that I will be on two business trips in the second half of October taking me out of town for most of those two weeks, and I will be gone for 10 days in the beginning of November on a photography trip out West that I am so looking forward to it. It made no sense to me to force a decision when in effect we will be mostly separated anyway. So that means we are in limbo for a while.
Here is my dilemma. How does one balance gathering intel from the need to detach and GAL? As far as I can tell, there has been no contact with the OM nor any other inappropriate behavior for the past 2 weeks; however, the need to monitor to verify/enforce my boundary interferes with my ability to emotionally detach from the situation. Do I just stop and trust (really hard to do right now) or continue until we reach a decision point? Thoughts and comments are appreciated.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
I believe that he would say, "don't check too often". Don't drive yourself nuts. Without doing research, I would believe he recommended checking once per week.
For goodness sake! Who on this board would do that?
Quote:
Do I just stop and trust (really hard to do right now) or continue until we reach a decision point?
IMHO, a WAW who is or has been in an A and is not willing to be transparent with emails, etc., should not be trusted. Now, my H chose to trust me...b/c he said that was the only way he could continue in the M....however, I had no problem in him reading every single thing activity on my computer. I knew he had to have time and that I had to prove myself trustworthy again. So will your W. Why would you "stop and trust her" when it's obvious that she's not willing to even try to put forth the tinest effort to gain it?
The time you're gone will be the big test for her. However, I would suggest that you don't pick that time to do your checking up on her email, ect. You need that break and to enjoy your trip, so don't take a chance of ruining it.
Hold the boundary lines!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She refuses to give me access to her computer, Facebook account, and phone because in her mind she's yet to commit to staying; therefore in her mind, it's an invasion of her privacy. I have an IT background and found out about the A by breaking into her email and logging web access. After the confrontation, all I ended up doing was driving her more underground with her methods.
Sorry to highjack the thread but this caught my attention. I have been in he very same boat for some time (wife claims no contact, refuses transparency, justifies with "I haven't committed"). I suspect this is a common situation on these boards. What should a DB'er do with this?
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
She refuses to give me access to her computer, Facebook account, and phone because in her mind she's yet to commit to staying; therefore in her mind, it's an invasion of her privacy. I have an IT background and found out about the A by breaking into her email and logging web access. After the confrontation, all I ended up doing was driving her more underground with her methods.
Sorry to highjack the thread but this caught my attention. I have been in he very same boat for some time (wife claims no contact, refuses transparency, justifies with "I haven't committed"). I suspect this is a common situation on these boards. What should a DB'er do with this?
Let her know that you will be assuming that this can ONLY mean she is either still in contact, or wishes to be able to be -- and proceed accordingly.
