In a nutshell, my W gave me the ILYBNILWY about a month and a half ago. She harbors a tremendous amount of resentment and anger towards me for my behavior towards her for the past 4-5 years. No affairs on my part but I was emotionally unavailable, angry most of the time, and rejected the love that she so freely gave me due to my own issues. In June she decided enough was enough and checked out of the M but didn't tell me until the end of July. Since then, I've done a 180 in my behavior towards her and my son. I realized that the way I was living my life was detrimental to me and the people I loved. I've apologized to my W for my behavior, shown remorse for my actions, and have begun work on myself to be a better person.
Despite my change, over the past 2 months, she has begun a cycle of her having an EA with her ex-fiance, a PA (verified one time event), and her adamantly stating about 2 weeks ago that she wants a separation and can't stand to be around me. I balked at the idea of her leaving and begged her to stay and work on our M (classic mistake); however, I also set a boundary that if she continues to live under the same roof as me, the affairs stop.
On September 5, I let her go and told her I would not stop her from leaving. Since then we've been talking a lot about us and her feelings towards me. I've been actively listening, validating her feelings, and respectfully disagreeing with her when I felt it was appropriate. She initiates all of these conversations. On Sunday night she told me that she's re-evaluating everything and that whatever I'm doing is having an effect on her. I told her that I'm here if she wants to stay, I will not stop her from going either, and that staying means no inappropriate contact outside of our M or I'll pack her bags for her.
I really need some advice from those of you who are more experienced here. I'm in unchartered territory. I actually started to begin using the last resort method but I feel that will backfire here. I want to continue to actively listen without pursuing (what I'm currently doing), and buy some more time to work through this. I'm convinced that we have a chance if we can deal with the anger and resentment. Any advice or strategies on my sitch would be appreciated.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
On Sunday night she told me that she's re-evaluating everything and that whatever I'm doing is having an effect on her. I told her that I'm here if she wants to stay, I will not stop her from going either, and that staying means no inappropriate contact outside of our M or I'll pack her bags for her.
Dont fix what's working. Keep going.... PATIENCE... CONSISTENCY.... SLOW and STEADY won the race.
I am by no means an expert, but in DR it says that if you find something that you see is resulting in a positive step, then keep doing it. If you try to push it, you might just push her right out the door.
Be encouraged, but don't get overly enthusiastic either.
After last night it's difficult to determine if I'm making any progress. We're both pretty tired these days, neither one of us is sleeping well. It's hard to sleep when you have so many thoughts and emotions running through you. As hard as I try, I can't just turn them off.
Anyway, my W accused me of playing games with her. She finds it hard to believe that I am committed to making changes in my life to be a better person. She questions why I couldn't do this earlier and why I couldn't do it for her—once again it's all about me. She now has to make the hard choice, either leave and break up the family or forgive me for deeply hurting her. In her mind, I get off easy. She leaves, she's the bad one who failed; if she stays, I win and get what I want. I don't know who you are anymore. This went on for about 5-10 minutes in small outbursts. During it I said nothing. I looked at her and listened.
We put our S to bed and she disappeared into another room for another half hour. She finally came out to where I was sitting and told me she's not sure where all that came from her. I told her that I expected conversations like these as your angry and you need to let it out. The only other thing I said was when I started making these changes 2 months ago I did it for you and ultimately for us. When it looked like you were leaving, I shifted the focus to me because I needed to change to become a better person and father to my son; and if you stay, the husband that you want and deserve. We left it at that and we said good night to each other and went off to our separate areas. When I saw her this morning she told me that getting some sleep helps you see things in a new light. When I asked her what she meant by that statement she didn't elaborate and merely said that she meant all the things she said the night before.
I know I'm not supposed to pursue but how do you balance pursuit against talking about these critical issues? On the one hand the fact that we are talking about all of this indicates to me that there is a part of her that is seeking understanding and trying to find a reason to stay. I know how she thinks and if she feels there is a light at the end of the tunnel she'll put the effort into trying to rebuild our M. My behavior has always been to be aloof and on the surface uncaring. This was a defense mechanism to maintain distance to mask my own self-esteem issues and fear of intimacy. On the other hand, if I stay detached and don't open up to her emotionally, I feed into our bad communication patterns and dynamics which will cause her to leave. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope without a net and I'm about to fall.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
It sounds like yu are doing the right things BUT has the PA/EA stopped? Because that is paramount if you want to work on your M. You need to know if it ended 100%.
Oh and your siggie says your W asked for MC back in July. Did you go?
GH, you have to make sure the EA/PA is done, through transparency and verification. Everything else will be wasted otherwise.
One thing I've found is that bringing up relationship talks with my W is very hard, and almost always (99.999999999%) of the time counterproductive. We talk about it with our MC, but that's a controlled situation.
If she brings up your R, listen. Pay attention as if your life depended on it. Validate what she says without trying to justify or explain your side. Just listen. If you're not sure how to answer something when she asks you a tough question, simply say "I'm not sure how I feel about that right now, I"ll have to think about it."
I learned recently that it's definitely NOT in the best interest of my M to talk about our sitch outside of our MC sessions. We have not yet learned the proper tools to communicate with each other and the boundaries are still blurry. The MC is the neutral third party that can throw up that 'stop' sign when he sees us heading down the wrong path. When it's just H and I trying to talk about M alone, it never fails that we always end up going to far and things are said/feelings hurt. It's just risky.
You know what they say...
The Pathway to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Soleil- The PA is definitely over, it was a one time event. It happened while we were in NY. Backstory is in the thread I posted in the beginning of this message. EAs are still ongoing as far as I can tell but I still have concerns.
We went to two MC sessions. First one was prior to me confronting the PA and was a waste of time. Second one was two weeks ago. I brought up the A and she stated that she wanted to leave me and see other people; however, she wants me to move out because it "will be easier". I refused. The MC got her to reluctantly agree to stay for two more weeks. The rest is summarized in the top post.
Pinhead - She refuses to give me access to her computer, Facebook account, and phone because in her mind she's yet to commit to staying; therefore in her mind, it's an invasion of her privacy. I have an IT background and found out about the A by breaking into her email and logging web access. After the confrontation, all I ended up doing was driving her more underground with her methods. I told her if she stays we will need to come up with a way that satisfies both of us that nothing outside of the M is occurring.
In the beginning of last week when we talked, I tried to explain where I was coming from due to my own issues. I no longer do that and try to follow your advice. I usually say when she asks me about a behavior from the past "I don't have an answer for you right now, I need to think about that some more."
Doodi - I hear you and I agree to in some respects. What I'm trying to do now is buy some time. I'm trying to defuse her anger so she can get to the point where an R is possible. We have another MC session this Friday so perhaps he will have some suggestions as how to approach these discussions in a more productive fashion. I'll admit that some of what she is saying is hard to hear and I want to respond but I bite my tongue.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
As long as the EAs are still occuring, you are facing an uphill battle. SHe doesn't want to share passwords/etc with you because she is cheating. It's the simple.
Do not leave your home. If she wants out, she can leave.
Very clearly state to her that if she is involved with other people, it's not going to work between you to. No if, ands, or buts about it, If she wants out, again, she can leave.
Pinhead - She refuses to give me access to her computer, Facebook account, and phone because in her mind she's yet to commit to staying; therefore in her mind, it's an invasion of her privacy. I have an IT background and found out about the A by breaking into her email and logging web access. After the confrontation, all I ended up doing was driving her more underground with her methods. I told her if she stays we will need to come up with a way that satisfies both of us that nothing outside of the M is occurring.
GH, I'm going to tell you this as both a friend and a person who has been through this before.
First, I'm in IT too. I found out about my W's EA the same as you. After she ended it, I insisted on all passwords to email/fb/etc. She did not give them up because it was an invasion of privacy - same deal as you W.
Pressing her for transparency didn't work. She wasn't in the M. She was trying to be, but she wasn't. Never could. She wouldn't give transparency. Ultimately it wreaked havoc on my nerves always wondering "what is she doing". It tore me to shreds, and in turn I pressed her for information all the time like, where are you going/doing/saying. It pushed her further away.
You have to let her go. If she is going to do this, she is. Nothing at this point is going to stop her. She's lost all respect for you and the M because she continues to have this EA. NOTHING you say or do right now is going to have her change her mind about the M. Now, repeat that 10 times in the mirror.
You have to let her go. You need to set boundaries. One is, "I will not live in an open marriage. If you continue to do this, you need to move out immidiately."
Otherwise, your snooping and constant worrying is going to further damage the R. Trust me, I did it. It damaged alot. If my W would have moved out before I started snooping and prying and asking questions, we'd probably be in a much better place today.
You need to get this - if she is still talking to this OM, she does NOT want to be in this marriage and she does not respect you. Grow some nuts, and set a boundary. It will be scary to do so, and she'll probably be pissed at you, but at least you will have your own self-respect and probably some level of respect from her for not putting up with this crap.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
