Sandi2- Sorry for the defensive posture, but I've read other threads where feedback can be aggressive when it's perceived the poster is backing down from a previous position they expressed they were going to take. I'll refrain from doing it in the future.
I agree the trips will be the big test and I agree that checking up on her while I'm supposed to GAL is not healthy for me.
eeyore_no_more - I read your threads and all I can say is what a difficult sitch to be in. In some respects I started down the same road as you but laid down my boundaries two weeks ago.
Puppy - She's not in contact with anyone by computer (keylogger verified) but I can' tell if there is phone contact.
Today is going be interesting. About two weeks ago she posted a missed encounter on Craigslist stating her availability to some guy at her our health club. I should add that all
Someone responded today, although it's not the same guy based on his message. If she responds in any way I'm going to have to enforce the boundary I set and pretty much ask her to leave. I'm going out for a while and I'll check later tonight to see how she handled it. I absolutely hate having to do this!
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
Well she deleted the message and did not respond; however, now we're surfing for "not attracted to my husband" and "how to find a mate after 40". This is the kind of stuff that's hard to endure but you almost have to if there is no transparency. So on the one hand she's "kept" her promise to not have contact outside the M while she stays here, on the other hand, she's definitely not thinking about R, at least not today.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
We were supposed to to go to MC today but I ended up rescheduling the appointment. My W sees an IC—she has a history of depression and anxiety disorder—and she was supposed to see her therapist last week to talk through some of her issues.. That appointment ended up being cancelled due to her therapist being sick. I was in the house when she got the call and my W broke down and started sobbing. I did what was a 180 for me, a got up and held her while she cried. Seems like a small thing but it was a big deal for me. Part of what I'm going to IC for right now is to deal with how I handle intimacy and my own emotions. 6 months ago, I probably would have sat there and tried to verbally lend support. She ended up talking to her therapist by phone last Friday. The only thing she shared with me is that her therapist says she sounds ambivalent and shouldn't rush into any decisions. So W and I are officially in limbo world. At the moment we are likely to still be living together at least through the beginning of January although we are basically roomates.
Her anger and resentment towards me is palpable; she has every right to be based on my past behavior and emotional unavailability. I get verbal barbs from her daily about such as "the new me", "father of the year", "you'll be quit a catch for your next wife", etc. I've put up with these comments for about two weeks but on Friday night I called her out on her behavior and asked her to stop it when she made a comment in front of our son that I thought was inappropriate. When I step back from the situation this is her doubt about my 180 behaviors. She keeps waiting for the old me to reappear and she can't understand how someone can so rapidly change in the space of several months. Frankly it's not so hard once you stop being angry all the time which I was. Once you let go of the all the anger the real work on yourself can begin. I also think this is her fear talking. Fear of opening herself up to me again and letting me in. Fear of the unknown. Fear that if the changes I'm making are real, is she throwing away the chance at having a really good marriage for the next 40 years.
Despite all the negativity from my W, there are positive things to go on in my life. I've renewed my passion for photography and am looking forward to a 10 day trip out West next month. I'm training for a half-marathon at the end of October. I'm looking into joining Toastmasters. My relationship with my son gets better each day. I'm not so afraid of her leaving anymore .
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
I've read so many threads here by Coach, Puppy, and Sandi2 that talk about leading, attractiveness, and making changes for you. I feel that's what I'm trying to do not for her but for me. I have made a choice that I want to be happy. I've told my W the same and said I hope you'll come along for the ride.
Having said that, how do you break through the WAW anger issue? Her mantra to her friends is I'm killing her with kindness but she's still angry. She has a litany of things I've done, real or distorted by time that she's harboring. We're civil, but that's about it. Using LRT on her would be the worst thing I could do and would only serve to reinforce her belief that my 180 is an act. At first it was but it no longer is. Every day I get a little closer to my S which is all the motivation I need to continue this behavior.
So for the moment I continue on my journey to heal myself and be the MAN I want to be and stop being the scared little boy that has dominated me for so long. I'd love to hear from anyone who was either emotionally unsupportive of their spouse or was on the receiving end. What resonated with you that your spouse did? What reinforced the anger and resentment?
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
Sandi2- Sorry for the defensive posture, but I've read other threads where feedback can be aggressive when it's perceived the poster is backing down from a previous position they expressed they were going to take. I'll refrain from doing it in the future.
Nah.....I was just joking about that part.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - correct me if I'm wrong but I recall reading posts where you were the WAW and your H's behavior during the marriage was similar to mine, that is, emotionally unavailable. Any feedback you can provide on my latest post?
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
I've read so many threads here by Coach, Puppy, and Sandi2 that talk about leading, attractiveness, and making changes for you. I feel that's what I'm trying to do not for her but for me. I have made a choice that I want to be happy. I've told my W the same and said I hope you'll come along for the ride.
GH, good job on the positive changes. Try not to make grand pronouncements to your wife about them, as they'll only come across as purusing. Just LIVE THEM, and, trust me, she will notice.
Having said that, how do you break through the WAW anger issue?
Consistent loving and supportive action done with no expectation.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
