I'll think about the work thing. He was anti social when we lived together, only occasionally getting together with old coworkers in group settings. But since leaving he has some new groups of "role playing gamers" and various similar type things _ I don't know any of these people, but assume they are all younger, anti social, and probably into drugs. But I can't say. You can see why I am very leary of S spending any amount of time with him .I don't know any of these people whereas H knows all my friends or is always invited to meet them - completely open. I assume, but don't know, OW is from one of these groups as well, so these people don't know his "other life" so to speak.
And remember, if he gets fired, I have no money or health insurance either.
Ps - "truth darts"???
PPSS thank you so much for your clarity and perspective - it's really helping me see through the fog..thank you!!!
He's been building up unhealthy connectiosn for a while then... This is common... If his income is important to you then you may just want to use that as a threat... When he complains about the drug test then tell him if he takes your son anywhere near OW again you will be reporting his drug usage to all his clients as well... And then hang up...
Truth darts would do best to center around healthy environment for son :
Drugs, lies, and anti-socialites aren't the best things to be exposing a five year old to...
You're ability to father this child is suspect at the moment : drugs, lies, and abandonment isn't exactly something he's going to be proud to hear about when he gets old enough.
Sons want a father they can be proud of - not a source of shame.
Something like that... It's important to hang up after you've said your piece so your point resonates.
OOH - that's way more tough than I ever am...I'll have to rehearse it first. I love it! I hope I can do it. He'll just laugh me off, call me crazy, and say I am the bad influence, but hey, if I hang up I can only imagine him saying it, right?? LOVE IT
The thing is, truth darts don't get a positive reaction... But if its said forcefully enough, and often enough, and simple enough it will sink in...
It will resonate in his mind...
What he DOES with it is a roll of the dice... but the truth darts can get in there... It has to be quick and sharp.. the one I wrote above is probably a bit wordy... But its a draft at least...
He won't react well when he hears it... that's why you hang up.
but it CAN get him thinking even if he will never admit it to you
I think it was PDT's who used this on his wife. He had told his wife she wans't just a bad wife, but a bad mother (she had been neglecting their kids)...
After that her attentiveness to their children improved. She did NOT end the affair, or say anything by way of agreement, but it did sink in... even if she never admitted he was right
What kind of third party can I get? Mainly for hand offs with S, also when I get H to remove his stuff from my home.
Which leads me to...how to I get him to get his stuff out of my home? What do I say in the email? (When his standard response is, "I still own half the house")
You tell him its for your convenience and his that he has his belongings with him... And that its hurtful to you to have them hanging around the house.
You know him though, so you can always modify this according to his demeanor.
Preferably the intermediary is a strong willed person who is marriage friendly, fully informed on your WH's affair and who won't take any of his crap.
Stick to email only.
And they have to be ready to threaten calling the police in a snap.
Could be my dad = besides that I don't know who to ask! WIsh they had professionals for hire! Allen - want a job? lol
I have already asked him to remove his things and per usual, he is just letting it slide = I need to ask again but I feel like an idiot chasing him around like this!
You have to understand attachment and how that works, its covered in Overcoming Infidelity. As long as his things are there, he feels like he's still got a relationship there with you as well... He's not going to take his things himself... Them being there allows him to mark territory.
