Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

Great question. I think this is personal to each of us, but I can only tell you what my feelings are, and what I did.

I think it's different when there is infidelity involved, for starters. My wife (who was having an affair during the Summer of 2007) was under the illusion that somehow we were going to stay best friends even if we divorced over it. So one day -- about a month into my knowledge of her affair, and her refusal to end it -- I told her that:

"I should be clear with you about something. I have absolutely no intention of remaining 'best friends' with you if you choose to end our marriage this way -- by having an affair, running away, and lying to your parents and our children about it. We'll be civil, and we'll co-parent effectively, I'm sure, but we won't be friends. If you decide to end your affair now, however, and come back and work on this with me, going to marriage counseling, each of us addressing our issues, and it doesn't work out -- say after a year -- and we choose to divorce, then yes, I could see a time where eventually we could become good friends again, even though it won't be the same. But not what you're doing now, I'm sorry. This is NOT how friends treat each other, and I respect myself too much to put up with a so-called 'friend' who would do that to me."

She told me the day after she ended her affair, and asked back into our marriage, that this was the NUMBER ONE REASON why she decided to end it. "I missed our friendship," she told me, tears streaming down her face.

As someone stated above, however, this has to be how you TRULY FEEL. You can't do this as some "technique," to win them back, as that will smack of pursuing (and you shouldn't bluff with something as intimate as a "best friendship" anyway). It has to be authentic.

[Ready2Change]

...CERTAINLY not "happy" or anything that would imply "I'm OK with all of this."

Strong, leading, upbeat with your 180s and GALs, but NOT condoning their behavior. You want to take a stance, where -- if they ASK you (and don't offer this proactively, or it will come across as pursuing), you can say "Oh, don't get me wrong, this is NOT what I wanted, and NOT what I would have chosen. But I realize that I'll be OK either way. I very much WANT to be married to you, but I realize now that I don't NEED to be, and I certainly respect myself too much to be willing to put up with your crap behavior just to stay married. I'm in a positive mood I guess because I'm working hard to improve myself, whether it turns out to be for THIS relationship, or for another one down the road."

[Ready2Change]

You are angry. That's good. But, be careful what you do with that anger, okay?

[Ready2Change]

...As far as how to proceed, accept some invitations, but not others, especially at first. You are too busy with your own life to accept them all. You have things to do. If you jump right back in, she will get cold feet again. I don't know this from experience, just from reading the DR book and watching other people's situations. Continue to have your own life until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE she is committed to reconciling....

[Ready2Change]

I don't think you should even want to be married to somebody who is bent on divorcing you

Exactly, if they really want out that bad, point to the exit, show them the door and do it with a smile.

[Ready2Change]

You don't want to tell your wife about your exposure efforts...You want HER to tell YOU she found out... It OUTS her...don't wave exposure in your wife's face, that's not the objective... It's to END the affair and protect your home....
You revealing your exposure efforts to your wife doesn't do that.. It just antagonizes her...

[Ready2Change]

Yup, she's gonna bait you.

These are all TESTS... when she said the affair is your fault and she wants to leave the subtext is : "Are you a man?"..."Can I invest my life into this marriage again?"

That is what she's ASKING YOU.. and when YOU give her a fight like a child would then you answered her an affirmative "NO"

Adults don't get goaded into fights... Have you ever seen a seven year old pick a fight with their parent and SUCCEED?

Not very often... Because parents know its all bullchit and the kid is just TESTING THEM.

BE her parent right now... no fights...

you need to show her you are man enough to take her bullets and not flinch

She's testing you like a teenager tests their parents... the LAST thing you want to do is start a shouting match... If you start a shouting match, you have already lost...

Show your wife the maturity needed for marriage, and the maturity that the OM LACKS.

[Ready2Change]

...I think its important for a WS to know the kind of damage they are doing, but at the same time I think its important to not look weak or in any way distasteful... No one wants to be around a whiner... But if you can say it resolutely with your dignity I think that's OK.

But the problem is a lot of new visitors to this forum start sending text messages and they end up just looking NEEDY...

It's a hard line to walk I know... Its very hard to look hurt without looking pathetic...

[Ready2Change]

...But yes get the screen shots anyhow... You need to prove to his parents that he's lying to them... Right now they don't even seem to believe you...'Very frustrating I know...

[Ready2Change]

Emotional release (away from WAS) is good for you:

...I wept alone for a while last night, appreciating the release it gave me, but also cursing W for doing this to us and wondering why this has to happen to me....