Also, I have not purchased Tupy's book. But what does she say about someone like me who has made so many mistakes, and for so long (affair=1 yr, I've let him cake eat and treat me like a doormat, says he's 'moved on' and I should too)?
So before I had these discussions with you about consequences, I had a series of emails going back and forth to WAH regarding OW.
1) H asked "how I would feel" if OW was hanging out with him and S5 tomorrow during H's "time." 2) I responded how irresponsible it was, and especially that he introduced them without talking to me about it - more lies. 3) So he said "Ok when can we have the discussion?"
It's a set up, folks and I don't know how to respond. 1) He's not going to listen to me or respect my wishes anyhow 2) He has blamed me for "not being willing to have the discussion" as an excuse to hide their meeting (and their relationship during our five months of MC and during the entire time legal separation agreement was being drafted - only told me once it was signed "To avoid me blowing up and going crazy and creating a big expensive D fight") so if I don't have this useless discussion, I'm blamed further. 3) It will just be a fight and a waste of breath IMO but I could try?
He also is feeling that I'm going NC again - this is a ploy to rope me back into the craziness, hurt me, control me, etc...
Here's the end of the email chain:
WAH:just to cover all the bases, what would you think if OW were around for a later afternoon activity? please note: I do *not* expect she would be around, and am not planning it; I expect she will by in the city and I have no plan to take S into the city on Sunday; I am simply raising this because of what happened a couple of weeks ago, where you said you would prefer to know of any possibility ahead of time.
ME: didn't say I "prefer to know of a possiblity" for you to bring S along on your dates, I said that I want us to talk and agree on how and when is appropriate to "introduce" such people into our child's life, if at all. This is a very big deal for him and quite confusing. I believe it is totally inappropriate, unnecessary, and irresponsible, but at the very least this is something we should learn about, discuss at length, and negotiate, IMO. I do not feel comfortable with you "just letting me know ahead of time" although that is better than secrecy, admittedly.
Try imagining if the tables were turned - something you don't feel is good for S but I just say "I'm just going to let you know ahead of time when I do it anyhow regardless of your feelings as his father."
WAH: Ok, let's try to do that ... so when would be some times when you would be available for a discussion?
I feel like saying - you already lost the chance for the discussion when you went behind my back. Also, you have ignored all my requests for discussions regarding other things such as discipline with S - perhaps after we have those discussions, and attend parenting classes, we can have that discussion.
I need a boundary here - I'm terrible at it - someone please steer me in the right direction. Maybe I should just file a temporary protective restraining order...
You tell him NO ONE introduces your SON to ANYONE unless you are BOTH comfortable with it.. which goes for you as well.
And you hang up.
Don't argue, you put the boundary and end the convo.
Unless you have some leverage he's just going to keep goading you with it though... He has no reason to introduce her... You can get your L to include a "no paramour order", but he can always disregard that and you would prove he had disregarded it...
It's a waste of time negotiating with him
YOu can't file a restraining order on OW I don't believe, but you can always TALK to your LAWYER about this... Your WH WILL obey the LAW... that's your strongest leverage right now.
There are spouses on here who have put a no paramour order in place through their lawyer that won't allow a spouse to introduce an affair partner to any children from the marriage.
You really need to talk to your lawyer about this one.
ok, the meeting is set up for Tuesday with the lawyer.
So, it's the statement over the phone and hang up. That's good advice. Not over email? On the phone only?
And you are right, once he starts pushing and bullying he doesn't stop until he gets his way. I know this from bad past experiences. You are right I can only go through the law as no way will he care one way or the other how I feel.
And by the way, he already introduced them. That is a non issue. The issue now is he is pushing to spend weekend with both of them (S and OW).
