I'm writing this as an absolute wreck right now, so please excuse me if I ramble. My wife told me last night that she cheated on me with a man she works with. It felt like someone sucked the wind right out of my lungs. I've never experienced pain and fear like that. I never even imagined that I could.
We've been having problems in our marriage for awhile now...probably a year, maybe more. We got married young, maybe too young, and my wife suffered the terrible tragedy of losing her father in a car accident during the very early stages of our relationship. She battled depression for many years. We've ben married for eight years now. Her depression made things difficult for us, but we got through it..or at least I thought we did.
We haven't had sex in three months now. Prior to that, our sex life was very inconsistent. We would regularly go weeks and sometimes months without making love. I didn't mind. I love so many other things about her and I chalked her lack of sex drive up to a naturally low libido mixed with depression. I was perfectly content to enjoy the other aspects of our relationship...the friendship, companionship, deep intimate connections...and I thought she was as well.
After the initial shock wore off last night, we had a long conversation. I'm a terribly rational person and the only way things make sense to me is to break them down into a calm logical discussion. What I learned from this was that she is completely happy with every part of our relationship except for the sex. She said that she didn't find me attractive anymore and that there was no spark when we touched or kissed. This hurt so badly that I nearly fell apart again. She said the one time encounter with the other man was to get her sexual feelings out of her system so that she could appreciate the other things in her life better.
I don't want to divorce. I love my wife. I love our life together. I love our home. I love going to movies together, Cooking together and just laying on the couch watching television together. I have had, in my past, highly satisfying sexual relationships. I have never found another woman who I connected with like my wife. I've never been able to share what I share with her with anyone else. I've never felt more accepted. I will give up sex forever. I don't care. I just can't lose that intimacy.
Please, someone, anyone, help me. Tell me there is hope.
There is hope! Sorry you find yourself here, but it's a great place to start.
First off, stop blaming yourself. Your W cheated, it's her issue not yours. She can blame it on you about not "making" her feel attracted to you, etc. but in the end, she made the decision to do it and it's the most selfish thing someone could ever do.
STOP the crazy talk about giving up sex. That's the problem she "told" you so ending it isn't going to do much good.
Second, forget about the "marrying young" part. Lots of people marry young and are able to work things out. Age has nothing to do with commitment.
Could you fill us in on your R a little bit more? What were some of the sore spots? Also, fill in an address line with your age, your wife's, how many years married and together, whether you have kids, etc.
It'll help us in giving you the right type of advice.
Next I would suggest you read the Divorce Remedy and Sex Starved Marriage as soon as possible. It'll help you to see what we're talking about on these boards.
Is she still seeing the guy?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
They work at the same company but in different departments. She says the affair happened only once and I do believe her. She was genuinely remorseful and apologetic for lying to me and for hurting me. I don't believe she feels sorry for sleeping with another man. I think she feels like she was somehow justified in doing that because of all the troubles we've had in our marriage.
What troubles me most is that she says she is no longer attracted to me physically. Everything else in our relationship works great. Everyone who knows us believes we are the perfect couple and if you take sex out of the equation, they're right. She feels as though she needs to go elsewhere to satisfy that need/desire.
I'm 32, she's 28. We married eight years ago. We have no children, by choice. We both graduated from college and were working in our chosen fields for about four years. I lost my job almost 2 years ago and am still looking. She lost hers not long after but found another job with a greatly reduced salary. I mention that because many of our problems, I believe, stem from a general dissatisfaction she has with her life. She has always had an inferiority complex and has always felt like she was a failure because she wasn't living up to the lifestyle expectations her mother placed upon her. That was when she was working in her field. Now that she's working just a job, that feeling is compounded and it has caused us to have arguments. These arguments are over silly things, but I believe deep down, they're really about her feelings of failure. She gets these ideas in her head, that one thing is causing her problems and there's no changing her mind it seems. Even when evidence suggests the complete opposite.
I'm not without blame in this situation. I own that and I accept that. I'm ashamed to admit it, but in January of this year I went into a drunken binge and became violent with my wife. I never hit her but I scared her badly. I don't drink at all normally. I drank that night because my grandmother, who practically raised me, had died and my father was hospitalized within a few days of each other. I didn't handle it well. I haven't had a drink since and I never will. I don't know if she's really forgiven me for that night even though she says she has.
I picked up Divorce Remedy, Sex Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting from Barnes & Noble.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but in January of this year I went into a drunken binge and became violent with my wife. I never hit her but I scared her badly. I don't drink at all normally. I drank that night because my grandmother, who practically raised me, had died and my father was hospitalized within a few days of each other. I didn't handle it well. I haven't had a drink since and I never will. I don't know if she's really forgiven me for that night even though she says she has.
If it was just once, and you didn't hit her, who cares if she has forgiven you? So... you're not perfect? Well, welcome to Planet Earth. None of us living on this planet are perfect.
Keep looking for another job, take a lower paying job if you have to do that.
Quote:
She said that she didn't find me attractive anymore and that there was no spark when we touched or kissed.
This is the real problem. Why do you want to be married to somebody who doesn't love and respect you?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/21/1008:23 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
First off, your W doesn't respect you because if she really dissatisfied with her life as you claim (personally I think you've overinflated this), then she's looking for a strong male figure to support her emotionally and financially.
You are currently unemployed and went into a drinking binge. Which pretty much destroyed the two things she needed the most. I suspect it's the trigger that stopped the sex.
She's looking for someone else for validation of her own character. She's looking for a MAN. What have you done on a positive note to show this?
How hard have you been looking for a job? The OM built up her self-esteem. What have you done to do the same?
From what you describe, she's not just unsatisfied with her life, she's unsatisfied with your lives together.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are currently unemployed and went into a drinking binge. Which pretty much destroyed the two things she needed the most. I suspect it's the trigger that stopped the sex.
I agree. Things haven't been the same since that night. All of my life I have been the strong, confident, in control man she needed. I took care of things. I never let her know when I was hesitant or uncertain. That all fell apart when my grandmother died. I lost it for that night and I'm terrified that it has cost me everything that matters in my life.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
How hard have you been looking for a job? The OM built up her self-esteem. What have you done to do the same?
I've been looking very hard. It is rare that I don't send out 3-5 resumes in a week. I've gone on at least 15 interviews with no luck. I've even applied for retail jobs only to be told that I'm over qualified. It's really tough.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
From what you describe, she's not just unsatisfied with her life, she's unsatisfied with your lives together.
This is where you're wrong. We're both incredibly happy in every part of our lives together other than the sex life. Everything else works great. It's just this part that is causing us a major problem.
We're both incredibly happy in every part of our lives together
Umm... your wife told you she isn't attracted to you and had an affair.
Yes, I realize that. I acknowledge that the sexual aspect of our relationship isn't working. But that is only part of our relationship. To me, the intimate moments, the shared time, the support and common goals/interests are equally if not more important and those things work great.
