My wife informed me last night that she cheated.

[loweinsd51]

As a LBH who has recently started piecing with my FWW, I wanted to give you my perspective.

the LBH needs to have a "point of reference" in the R and tell his WAW that he has apologized for his wrong doing and that he's sorry for the pain she's had as a result of his actions...but from THIS POINT ON....he will not repeat his apology and he will not continue to rehash what has happened in the past. The past is just that....past. Nothing can change it and to live in this tortured state will only bring more pain for the future. Then he can ask his WAW if she is willing for them to start at THIS POINT ON in moving forward together.

As usual Sandi is spot on in fact you will find that Sandi is always spot on. She was a WAW so take what she says as gospel. Anyway, My W and I have agreed to leave the past where it should be left...in the past.

The thing that turned it around for me at least was when I decided to GAL and start being a man. But I did it for ME...and my FWW happened to notice and I could tell that she was starting to become attracted to me again. When OM finally showed his true colors I was there to offer compassion and a shoulder to cry on. Things progressed from there and now we are piecing. But the key was when she agreed to NC with OM...you absolutely cannot R when the OM is in the picture. I know it's hard as hell, trust me I was there only a few months ago.

I know this because my FWW has told me and hinted a few times about the changes I made and I tell her I changed for me. Pick up No More Mr. Nice Guy and Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.. Both of these tomes will show you how to become a man that any woman can respect. One thing that Sandi drilled into my head is your W or any woman MUST respect you first before they can love you period. Art of Manliness is a great website that I recently discovered and is packed with some real gems.

I also went on AD's namely Welbutrin...I highly recommend it as one of the side effects is an increase in libido. My W takes it to and trust me it does increase libido.

Also read "What Women Find Attractive" in the Newcomers forum...that REALLY turned things around for me and I read the first post from Coach daily...know it, learn it, live it.

[LasombraKnight]

?I want to fix this and restore our relationship. I don't care what the problems are or who started it all. I don't want retribution. I don't want vengeance. I don't want to even the score. I just want my marriage back."

There sure are alot of "I"s in that statement. Again it's not in your control. She is choosing to paint you as the bad guy. Unless she goes to therapy or chooses to start saying "hey my H isn't why I'm feeling this way" she's not going to change.

Think of it this way. She has told you that she sees you as the source or reminder of her "pain". When she looks up, there you are in her face trying to make her happy and work on the M. Do you think she really wants that?

Nothing you do is going to "make" her feel happy. She's going to have to get to that point on her own. Leave her alone. Packing her bags just serves as a catalyst. If you're in her face then she doesn't have to look at herself as being the source of her own misery. You're happy to be the scapegoat.

If you want your W back, then you've got to move out of the way.

So, are you saying that I should back off and stop talking about it? Or are you saying I should just tell her to leave or that I should leave myself? I'm not clear on what you're suggesting here.

One more thing that might be worth mentioning here is that we are not at a point where either is insisting on leaving or that the other leave. We're still very intimate and close with one another. We're trying to work this out.

As far as the other man goes, she says she isn't interested in seeing him again and that her affair with him wasn't because she wanted to be with him but that she wanted to feel something that she thought was dead inside of her and he just happened to be the right guy at the right moment.

[LasombraKnight]

Also, against my personality, I did check her cellphone records. Since 9/17, she has had only 2 text messages and 2 phone calls to or from his telephone number. That's well within the realm of the calls being work related as they do have to communicate via cell phone when he is working in different areas for the company.

[MrBond]

IMO you state that you feel for her POV and that while she sees you as a source of pain for years (BS BTW), you two have also had many great times together. Say that while you can understand if she would like to leave because of that, you would like her to stay and work things out.

Unless she starts doing some introspective work and seeing that YOU ARE NOT the cause of her "pain", things will get worse. At the very least, stop talking about the R.

Because she hasn't made any suggestion to seek professional help, while you're being intimate, she may be burying her issues below the surface. One day it will rise again. She has to deal with things right here right now. If not, you will be pulled along side her rollercoaster ride of emotions.

So be kind and compassionate, but don't start feeding into her stereotype of how she sees you. Right now she's going to look at everything you do under a microscope and start nitpicking everything you do.

In terms of the OM, no contact means no contact. If she REALLY was sorry, she would understand that any contact with the OM is not acceptable. Let me put it to you a little more bluntly. Would you like your W to keep talking to a guy she f*cked? It doesn't matter what they talk about. Contact has been made. It needs to end and she needs to respect that.

[Savemymarr]

btw love that Sandi. awesome advice and one we can all use. i too was very close to ONS but didnt. W later found out, i evaded then finally admitted it and apologized. she continues to throw it in my face as reason for her A, although she either denies or admits to it very obliquely. : )

in essence the LBS needs to STFU about past and move forward. W refuses to talk A and when she does, uses it to bludgeon me as reason why "she did or didnt do it."

[Savemymarr]

hey LK, check out the focusonthefamily website. look up "opening the cage door." it is just a formal way of saying what everyone else is advising u to do. it IS counterintutive but works.

i take Sandi's word as gospel bc she was there on other side. her perspective is like gold.

[LasombraKnight]

IMO you state that you feel for her POV and that while she sees you as a source of pain for years (BS BTW), you two have also had many great times together. Say that while you can understand if she would like to leave because of that, you would like her to stay and work things out.

I think that's working right now. I'm going to keep going with it.

Unless she starts doing some introspective work and seeing that YOU ARE NOT the cause of her "pain", things will get worse. At the very least, stop talking about the R.

Because she hasn't made any suggestion to seek professional help, while you're being intimate, she may be burying her issues below the surface. One day it will rise again. She has to deal with things right here right now. If not, you will be pulled along side her rollercoaster ride of emotions.

I've taken the initiative and gotten the numbers of a few marital counselors in town. I think I'll bring it up soon.
So be kind and compassionate, but don't start feeding into her stereotype of how she sees you. Right now she's going to look at everything you do under a microscope and start nitpicking everything you do.

In terms of the OM, no contact means no contact. If she REALLY was sorry, she would understand that any contact with the OM is not acceptable. Let me put it to you a little more bluntly. Would you like your W to keep talking to a guy she f*cked? It doesn't matter what they talk about. Contact has been made. It needs to end and she needs to respect that.

I don't like it, but it is unavoidable in this case. We can't afford for my wife not to have a job right now and her job requires that they interact in the work environment. I don't see anything that I can do in that regard.

[MrBond]

"I don't see anything that I can do in that regard."

Yes you can. At the very least there needs to be transparency. She can write a letter to him and cc you on it specifically stating that you know about the A and that the two of you have decided to work things out. So any correspondences between the two of them will be made public to you.

If your W laughs at that and refuses to, then you have your answer. She's thinking more about herself than you. At that point, you tell her that it was extremely selfish, hurtful and disrespectful what she did and that if she can't understand that, then she needs to leave.

Does the OM know that you know what happened? What kind of business are they in?

[MrBond]

And besides, the last time I checked, your marriage vows included "for richer or poorer, for better or worse". Your M trumps any job situation.

[MrBond]

Actually you can tell her to put herself in your shoes. That if you had cheated on her, would she want you to keep working with the OW? Sometimes you have to turn the tables.