Yep. The forums have been off line for a couple of days. I need to do an update on my sitch but I'm a little too tired right now to put some coherent thoughts together.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
W used my car to go see OM two Saturday's ago and leaves the address printout on my seat which I find the next morning. When I confront her she tells me she went over to "study" for her personal trainer exam and that seeing him that last time got the EA out of her system. She vehemently denies a PA and tells me how sorry she is about what she's put me through and showed for the first time what I thought was genuine remorse. I have the day off on Monday and we have sex for the first time in two months; I know I'm an idiot. On Monday she tells me that this guy is in her exam prep class that she just signed up for. She didn't know he'd be there but told me so that she wouldn't be "hiding" anything from me. Obviously the story doesn't add up and intel sources show all kind of searches on STDs and unprotected sex. Now I'm freaking out even though I took precautions. I talk to her again several days later and tell her that I want to know the truth and that continuing to lie to me was counterproductive. After a couple of minutes she proceeds to tell about how she went over to this other man's house—whom she's known for about eight months—to study and was sexually assaulted by him. She was rather graphic but insisted that she did not want to press charges. In that context the intel made sense. Naturally, I was horrified and furious by what she told me but she insisted that she did not want to press charges. She felt that she got what she deserved by pursuing him as she did, she was not hurt during the attack, and that she wanted to put it behind her. I put aside my anger over her actions that led her there and lent her emotional support. She assured me that all the pursuit and other nonsense was over and her actions toward me where very warm. Sexual contact stopped in light of the revelation of the attack; however; there was lots of hugs and affection between us.
Still things did not seem quite right. She was being extremely generous in her defense of his actions and even shared with me the other night that she was going to act nonchalant and friendly around him in class so as not to appear that he "got to her". That made no sense to me and I told her so. Late last night she sent an email to him. I'll paraphrase the contents:
"Hey XXX,
I wanted to talk to you about our hookup a couple of weeks ago. You know that I am incredibly hot for you and that I like you. I can't get past the "no condom" thing. Seeing as you don't use condoms.. well you get what I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure my husband has installed a GPS unit in my car so he knows where I'm going. He has access to all kinds of databases and I WON'T(her emphasis) put you into a situation where you'd run into trouble, so I think it's best to cool it. You know I probably won't stay with him but he's being a truly model husband and father right now and with some regret, I think I at least need to go through the motions to work it out. I also think I need to stay put until I can get on my feet and get a career going for myself.
It's going to be difficult seeing you without jumping on you but at least I got to fulfill my lust several weeks ago."
This is clearly not the email one writes to someone who assaulted them.
I am done with her. I have nothing left to give nor am I willing to try anymore. Manipulating my emotions by telling such an egregious lie so she didn't have to face the music of the boundary I set is an act that I can not forgive right now nor can I pretend that we are moving forward. I need my SPACE from her so I can start living my life with people who want to love and care about me. I'm traveling a lot the next couple of weeks so it will be easier to detach and go dark. It's funny though how insecure I've felt when she originally decided to stay for a while and see how it goes and now just 9 hours after finally learning the truth, I have clarity of purpose and a sense of peace. Once I get back in mid-November from my trips I will begin physically separating from her.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
I have always found that it was better for me if I waited and thoughtfully planned my actions when I got news like that instead of immediately reacting with emotions. It takes practice but in the long run you'll be better off. If sounds like you get that already.
In the time that your away, plan your strategy before you confront her. Have you protected yourself financially? It might not hurt to go ahead and get some legal advice to make sure you're heading in the right direction. Then plan what you're going to say to her and what you expect her to do. Are you going to ask her to leave? I strongly urge you not to unless it makes no difference to you legally.
Planning it out ahead of time keeps you from getting caught up in the emotions because, believe me, she will try everything to get you reacting emotionally. Keep the emotions out and stick to your plan.
I just don't get how she can do what she's doing. You don't throw around an assault allegation lightly. How is she thinking that will help her? I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
I had originally reached out a lawyer about a month ago but held off. I've contacted them again to set up a consultation.
I talked to her this evening--I'm out of town on a business trip--and she brought up the R. On an on about how she needs to try to make this work, I've shown her that I'm committed, I've changed, every day I get to know you better my feelings for you return, blah, blah blah. My only responses were A) you need to be all in emotionally or physically for this to even have a shot at working out; or B) You've given me a lot to think about.
I also pushed her very hard about why she wasn't going to the police about OM if she was assaulted. I said I was trying to understand her reluctance. She actually stammered a bit and was flustered when we were talking about it. Here's the thing. The guy has a record and back in 2008 a women took out a restraining order on him; he's a threat not only to my marriage but to her as well. Regardless of how I feel about my W she's the mother of my son who needs her; therefore, I need to do what I have to do to protect her from him and for the moment, from herself.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
If you are committed to Robx2b, I would have a close look at how So Ashamed's H handled her situation. Like the Terminator. Highly effective in sobering her up just like that.
Sorry. I hope you didn't understand me to say that you shouldn't urge her to leave. I just meant that you should get all your ducks in a row first. Bank accounts, legal advice, etc. That just protects you in case she tries to retaliate in some way. She's lying to you in the most outrageous way. Don't underestimate her willingness to cover her a$$ at any cost. Take your proof to your L and get some good advice on how to proceed. You need a plan in case things get ugly. You don't want to end up with accusations hurled at you instead of OM.
So, this is the second man that she has had sex with in two months? Those are two that you actually know about. Looks as if she's a serial cheater.
I am simply amazed at some of the men, but maybe that is why women are more perceptive of other females. Whenever a woman has such a "sudden" change of heart (like overnight) in deciding between her lover or her H, you better be leary. Even if she had enough sense to just do the "right thing" and go back to her H......but to hop into bed and start having sex right away? But for sure when she said he had sexually attacked her? How many women have you heard of that wants to have sex right after being attacked? And....even after you found her email that spelled it out...some of the men here decided she was probably lying?
Well, anyway, here's what I'm wondering:
Quote:
Now I'm freaking out even though I took precautions.
Now she has sex with OM, comes home and "you" use protection? Is that what the two of you have done in the past for birth control? Cause I'm thinking she is hopping into bed with you to have sex.....just in case OM got her pregnant with his "lack" of birth control. So, she's got to cover her tail(so to speak) in case a baby shows up in 9 months.
Did she say anything when you used protection? Maybe she was hoping you'd forget?
Well, I'm glad you did b/c of the great possibility of STD. I agree that you need to think things out carefully.....and I would advise that you do NOT reveal your source of information to her! Once she knows how you know she's lying....then she will be sure that source is blown.
((GH)) Take care. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She had an IUD but it was removed late last year because we thought we might try to have another child. In April we decided not to and have been using condoms for birth control so me using one is normal. She also had her period several days afterwards so I know she's not pregnant. She has an appointment next week to get tested for STDs that she initiated. I also know for a fact that my wife is terrified of contacting an STD. This concern goes back to our dating days. Despite all the crap going on in our lives, I'm pretty positive that she would not have unprotected sex under any circumstances. I rechecked my saved intel and there are numerous searches involving date rape, forced sex, and contraction of STDs. She has no idea I know any of this.
I just don't know how to approach this anymore. None of it makes sense to me. While putting my son to bed she looked at the email she sent to OM again and when I was done she initiated a conversation with me. She admitted that she has another phone (unprompted although I knew about it anyway) and that she's prepared to turn it off and give it to me. She told me she's committed to working on our marriage and doing what it takes for us to make it. She asked me to pick her up and drop her off for the class that she has with the OM because she's scared of him. She told me ILY for the first time in six months; I did not reciprocate.
During our MC session today she talked about the encounter with OM and her feelings around it. She noted that I was disappointed in the fact that she wouldn't press charges. Since we live in a relatively small city she was concerned on the impact these allegations ultimately would have on her professionally. She was the initiator, she chased him for months (texts, phone calls). Proving something happened would be extremely difficult. She said she doesn't want to be a victim and let her know that he got to her.
So while the email to the OM says one thing pretty conclusively, every other action points in a different way. I can't figure out how to confront her without blowing my intel source—she deleted the email today from sent— so for the moment, I will sit tight and observe.
Is she playing me?. Probably, but I've learned in my professional life that sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing and let events unfold. In the meantime, I will see a lawyer to explore my options, protect myself financially, and continue to gather intel before I confront or take action. I'll be away a lot the next three weeks from home which helps. If sh!t is going to continue to happen outside our M, she has ample opportunity with me away. Ultimately, the intel will show me what's real and what's not.
Me-43 W-41 S-3 M- almost 7 W ONS affair - 8/9/10, confronted 8/30/10 Separation - Pending My sitch
