She said that she was angry with me or that she resented me because I was present during the worst times of her life (when she lost her father in a car accident and battled depression for several years) and she associated me with those bad feelings. She said that I reminded her of those times that she desperately wants to forget. How do I get through to her that I was a good force during those times? How do I get her to stop associating me with those times and to start connecting me with her getting through them?
Have you read "The Time Paradox" by Philip Zimbardo?
Check one out from the library, or pick up a personal copy and leave that laying around.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You can't do anything about it. Your W has chosen you as being the choice of her pain. That stuff about her saying that you are a reminder of the bad times in her life are total BS. Did you ever tell her that you were also the reminder of the best times in her life as well?
Best and ballsiest thing to do is tell her. "Sorry that you see me as a constant reminder of all the pain in your life. I love you enough that I don't want to see you in pain, so I release you from our marriage to do what you think makes you happy." Then start packing her stuff.
That will turn her around because she can no longer blame you. Personal responsibility is what it comes down to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I see what you are saying here. She continues to use his big drunk as her leverage....and he keeps buying into it b/c of his guilt. But then she gets waaaay out there and is totally unreal about reminding her of sad times!
I know how women can keep bringing up things in the past....and she will, as long as she can get away with it.
Let me share something that kind of backfired when I was standing at the crossroads. I was not a willing partner, to say the least, and I was not about to let my H "shame" me about my EA with OM......so I told him that I would not even listen to him or talk to him unless we agreed to not bring up things in the past that had been hashed and rehased. He quickly agreed to that...b/c frankly, he was tried of hearing me b!tch about the same old stuff. Well, I found out that it was a lot harder for me to stick to that agreement than it ever was for him! But here's the thing....I learned that I could move forward without always refering to the past. I stopped throwing up his "failures" and my "disappointments".
I wished I knew how to say this better, but when in this kind of stitch....the LBH needs to have a "point of reference" in the R and tell his WAW that he has apologized for his wrong doing and that he's sorry for the pain she's had as a result of his actions (even if they were good intentions, like supporting her during death of family, etc.), but from THIS POINT ON....he will not repeat his apology and he will not continue to rehash what has happened in the past. The past is just that....past. Nothing can change it and to live in this tortured state will only bring more pain for the future. Then he can ask his WAW if she is willing for them to start at THIS POINT ON in moving forward together. If she is not willing....or if she starts all over again bringing up the past...then that is a sign that things will not get better until she has professional help. (There is a reason the scripture has "stubborness" and "witchcraft" in the same verse.) She needs to get off her high-horse and stop acting so entitled and look in the mirror!!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can't do anything about it. Your W has chosen you as being the choice of her pain. That stuff about her saying that you are a reminder of the bad times in her life are total BS. Did you ever tell her that you were also the reminder of the best times in her life as well?
Best and ballsiest thing to do is tell her. "Sorry that you see me as a constant reminder of all the pain in your life. I love you enough that I don't want to see you in pain, so I release you from our marriage to do what you think makes you happy." Then start packing her stuff.
That will turn her around because she can no longer blame you. Personal responsibility is what it comes down to.
I'm not ready for that. I want to fix this and restore our relationship. I don't care what the problems are or who started it all. I don't want retribution. I don't want vengeance. I don't want to even the score. I just want my marriage back.
?I want to fix this and restore our relationship. I don't care what the problems are or who started it all. I don't want retribution. I don't want vengeance. I don't want to even the score. I just want my marriage back."
There sure are alot of "I"s in that statement. Again it's not in your control. She is choosing to paint you as the bad guy. Unless she goes to therapy or chooses to start saying "hey my H isn't why I'm feeling this way" she's not going to change.
Think of it this way. She has told you that she sees you as the source or reminder of her "pain". When she looks up, there you are in her face trying to make her happy and work on the M. Do you think she really wants that?
Nothing you do is going to "make" her feel happy. She's going to have to get to that point on her own. Leave her alone. Packing her bags just serves as a catalyst. If you're in her face then she doesn't have to look at herself as being the source of her own misery. You're happy to be the scapegoat.
If you want your W back, then you've got to move out of the way.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
