Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

I know the time is coming for me to leave these boards, so I just wanted to say....the lessons I learned here, and the support I received were invaluable in helping me build my self esteem, learn to speak up for my needs and assert myself in my M...

First, 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'. Thank you, thank you for sharing that with me Coach. I could never figure out how you knew that was really my biggest problem, just from my first post. And it took me ages to figure out what you meant!

Second, please please everybody, focus on yourself first - do everything you can to enrich your own life outside of your marriages...finally helped me get through my skull that you can't get excited and energized about the potential of your present and future if you can't let the pain of your past go.

[Ready2Change]

You will be painted as the bad guy. You will find many people whom you thought were your friends ... aren't.

This process really shows you who your friends are. Don't get discouraged about the process simply because your friends don't have the guts to confront your WS.

You haven't been at this for very long. MWD makes it very clear in her book that patience isn't just a necessity, she must be your very best friend.

There are people who have been doing this over a year before they saw any positive results come in... This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Think about music practice, exercise, dieting, etc... It takes time to notice the changes... This is no different.

It's going to get bad before it gets better. Affairs take time to fizzle out, exposure is one step that brings them to the light of day and a LOT of the excitement wears off... Then the bickering will gradually start...

It takes TIME, you haven't been doing this very long. It too me over a YEAR before my wife told OM to get lost... and that was just the first time, she backslid several times before the final exit happened and she fully came clean.

It takes TIME...

[Ready2Change]

So, here is that long list that I told you about. Don't freak out about it. It is simply a short cut guide of DBing. I think that looking over it (after reading the book, of course) doesn't take as long as trying to re-read some chapter in the book. It helps keep certain DB principles planted in our minds. BTW, this list is really designed for a person who is really trying to draw their spouse back to them and it can be for a couple who are under the same roof or separated, you just have to judge for yourself.

UPDATED LIST

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self-confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not declare "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what your emotions are TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. (Use balance here and don’t act like a fool trying to show “happiness”) This can confuse some of them (which is actually good) b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious….do not lie in order to be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse.
38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.
39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[Ready2Change]

Won't detaching and going dark push them farther away? I don't feel close to him at all...right now.

Further away than what? Another woman? He's already there. Accept this.

Detach. Like he is gone.

Get on with your life. B/c you have to. B/c waiting for him or any other man to solve YOUR problems is WRONG and UNHEALTHY.

Do a search of Kalni's thread. Do a search of Mindfull's thread. Read and learn.

[Ready2Change]

Set goals in each of these areas:

professional, financial, physical, intellectual, spiritual, social, emotional

How you going to achieve them? why are they important?

[Ready2Change]

I was taught "You can't teach an infidel."

You can, however, occasionally land little "truth darts," to some effect. Some examples that I used:

TRUTH DARTS:

-I will not hide your affair.
-I will not financially support your affair.
-It's your mess, you clean it up.
-Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments.
-Secrets kill marriages.
-You are being played.
- Your current behavior is not helping the children.
- "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks!
- How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair?
- You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage.
- Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path.
- (S14) and (S10) need you more than ever.

IF SHE TRIES "R" TALK:

DON'T argue past points with her. Simply state the truth of today.

- She is having an affair.

- It is impossible to analyze issues with the marriage as along as she is having an affair.

- You can't analyze a relationship where one partner is making unilateral decisions to bring a third person into the relationship.

- Betrayal is an intensely painful action for one person to inflict on another.

[Ready2Change]

Even if there is not an affair, she is moving in directions distant from the marriage (you). An affair would just be another symptom of her dissatisfaction with the M. Either way, it is important for you to understand what she is looking for that she doesn't have in the M.

Try to piece it together by really reflecting on what she has told you. What are her consistent complaints? What about you has she criticized? What have y'all fought about? What do her 'new ways' indicate she is looking for now?

[Ready2Change]

...DB is the idea of staying focused on the process and principle rather than the outcomes. It helped me tremendously in dealing with the soon-to-be ex's behaviors.

[Ready2Change]

It's not pursuit if she knows you're doing it as infidelitus interruptus. It's only pursuit when you're tagging along after them to try to BE with them, and spend time with them.

[Ready2Change]

Stop asking her to defend her negative thoughts and actions. Next time she goes off on you just tell her, "it must really be hard being you, I am sorry if I am contributing to your misery in any way." Agree with her and walk away. If you truly seek understanding then let it unfold. It's not your place to rescue her from her decisions. Agree with her and watch the drama go away. Nothing to argue about when you are both on the same side. She brings up D talk just defer to your L. Just agree that she must be hurting. Watch the dynamic change.

Compassion, empathy, love (philia) and strong boundaries.