Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

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Your response is simple:
"Look, you decided to get a new place and you will have to be a big girl now and figure out how to handle the expense of living on your own. I didn't make you move out. I didn't decide for you to get a new place. You made all those decisions on your own without me and you assumed that you can just demand for me to finance your new life, and you need to know that I won't be doing that for you. Since you made all those decisions, you now have to figure out how to live on your own without my help since you offered the same option to me. FYI - from now on, I will take care of myself and my children when they're with me and you will have to learn to do the same at your end when you have them. You chose all of this, now deal with the consequences."

[Coach]

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You will need to be wise, loving, strong, in control and compassionate to make this work. You need to look at this like you are looking into a fish bowl to see the big picture and to see yourself in this.

Wow, that's really good. I hope I can be quoted someday!

Starsky

too bad you'll never get the highly coveted PDT (RIP) four whistles -

[Starsky309]

Man, Julie Christie's got nothing on you, does she Coach?!

[Ready2Change]

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Apparently, my W told his that she is lonely now.

Time to ramp up your GAL list. get busy, be social, throw a party - post it on FB, join a club, play at the park......

When you are busy, in demand and taking care of yourself it is pure catnip. When your wife sees others find value in you, it changes her feelings.

[Ready2Change]

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I paraphrased:

Wait for her to contact you, if she doesn't, you have your answer - she has to know she CAN approach and contact you. Continue being very cautious afterward, letting her take the burden of initiating contact and the burden of proof of her intentions...you'll discovery if her intentions are real.

[Ready2Change]

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My W also likes to claim that 50/50 placement will be too hard on the kids and she knows this because she has read so much on the topic. Well, our child mediator put her in her place on that claim saying, "Well, I don't know what you have read, but I am pretty up on the new literature and go to all kinds of conferences and the current thinking is that equal placement is best." It would be different if you were a neglectful father, like your W appear to be as a mother. You have spent so much time with your kids and have done so much for them that I could argue YOU should have primary placement. DO NOT accept anything less than 50%.

[Ready2Change]

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"I have decided that I am moving back into our home. If you are not happy living with me,you will be the one to leave. I am willing to stay and work on the marriage but if you are not, you should go. I have some decisions to make about our marriage, too."

So what if she gets angry? Don't be afraid of her anger. It's far better than her apathy! My H stood up to my decision to leave and it was the BEST thing he could have done for me. It let me see his strength, his resolve to do what was best for him and our family, and he earned my respect. I came home.

If he would have sat back as I see you are doing, I would have concluded nothing had or would change and I would have stayed gone.

[Ready2Change]

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open your mind,

listen,

validate her feelings (don't have to agree),

beware of the mind reading (both parties),

When in doubt say nothing, if pressed say "I'm thinking"

[Ready2Change]

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...She was going to go out with the guy and I got mad and ...We both raced up the stairs and...car keys...

I would have offered her the keys,
told her "have fun tonight, when you get back, all of your stuff will be out in the driveway in boxes, you might as well move out and live with him. If you're willing to openly cheat on your husband, I think you're ready to live on your own."

You don't get into shoving matches, pushing each other, clawing, grabbing, "tripping", and whatever else you ended up doing. You're not in grade 2, I'm assuming you can act like an adult. I don't care how your wife acted, yes she's floopy, yes she's a fruitcake, but you are NOT her, you are you, you can control what you do, you can control your actions.

[Ready2Change]

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If women are truly prisoners of their feelings, and if their feelings are utterly dependent on the actions of their husband, then life marriage is a flawed concept, and we should stop pretending it isn't.

Not it at all. Just as a dog uses his sense of smell as their primary input. Women use their feeling as theirs. It's not the end all and be all. It's what they use first, you need to be aware and how it effects the dynamics. Women aren't dependent on their husbands they want to partner with them, they want their partner to see them for who they are.

Men like things stable. It means things are working the way we planned. Woman want things more interesting - nagging, drama, testing - they want some challenge, shake things up. They want to see some action from their man. It's a way to see if you can "handle it." They want the security plus the ability to handle a crisis when needed. The "testing" is not intentional or planned it is intuitive to how they are.

The testing is way for them to feel secure. They know when they get emotional it calls us to action. Make sure you are addressing the issue and not the emotion. This is when being a cat whisperer helps. I can't use the same tools as I would communicating with a man. Men lead with logic. You have to understand her thinking behind the emotion and watch her actions to get the message. Drives us dogs nuts. When your woman feels understood it makes all the difference - it's what they want.

Try it out. It is amazing to watch it work. Look here on the site, when a male DB posts to woman and has empathy and validates the woman, she is very receptive. Give her a direct 2x4 and watch the response. Same message different delivery. It works the same when calling them out on CB, they love it because you see them and are standing up to their feelings and addressing the issue. (your approach is a little more direct here.)

You are not responsible for her feelings, she doesn't want that. She wants you responsible for the family, the marriage, taking care of yourself, loving her and being a man.