H's MLC - he is still lost but I found myself

[Mila]

Hello my friends....after contemplating this for a while, I'm starting a new tread...thank you lance for giving me the last push.

This seems to be good time for it because I feel that I'm finally ready to let him completely go, let the business go...let my old life go and concentrate on the future...and the future will be what I make it...me..only me...he is on his own. I still love him...the old him...but definitely don't love who he's become. If he ever wakes up and that's a big if...I'll see then if there is still room for him in my life and in my heart.

My update:

H flew off to see OW, business is at stand still, no major contracts at all in September. Creditors are threatening collection and we basically live on credit. Last week at our B meeting H told me that he is not going to give up on business and wants to borrow more money to keep it going.
I can't do this anymore. I can't let him drag us down financially any further.

I went to see a lawyer we are working on a separation agreement. Hoping to make him a proposal and really hoping that he will just sign it. If he does I will end up with the house and the equity that will be left after paying off all the debts. I'll resign as a director of the company and will no longer be responsible for any debts. I will remain a shareholder and an employee. I'll remove my name from all joint accounts and lines of credit. I'm putting my house up for sale and looking for a job. Now I just want it all done...I can't wait to be separate financially from him. That's going to be such a relief.....

[seeking answers]

Mila,
I know how hard this has been for you. You have given it your all.

Your H is sinking the ship and you're choosing to get into the life boat.

(((Hugs)))

[Mila]

Had an email fight with H...I don't know...is he out to lunch? Or am I the unreasonable one.

I still take care of all of his bills, the only bill that he is responsible to pay...is his rent. As I mentioned before, he is away visiting OW. He left before the end of September. Usually I would make the rent cheque on the 30th and he would pick it up and take it to his landlord. So the cheque was done on the 30th but he left town 3 days before that. Well the landlord called him on the 4th asking where is the rent. That was the first time that he realized that he didn't pay his rent....his only responsibility...am I dealing with a teenager or what?

This is the string of emails we exchanged about it:

H - I forgot to remind you about rent. Landlord called me to remind me. Please make the cheque and have (Daughter) take it to the manager tomorrow. Ideally before school. Please let me know today so I can let them know. Thank you.

(no acknowledgment of fault on his part and he is asking me to tell D to do this for him)

Me - Your rent cheque has been sitting here since last week. If you want your daughter to go and pay your rent for you before she goes to school, please arrange it with her tonight and I’ll give her the cheque.

(I thought that was reasonable to ask him to arrange it with D himself)

H - I texted D. Not sure why you didn’t bring the cheque to our last meeting... I would appreciate if you could pls remind MY daughter this morning...

(Blaming me for not giving him the cheque days ahead in anticipation that he may be out of town????)

Me - I’m sorry, I didn’t know that it was my responsibility to remind you to pay your rent. I assumed that you’d made some arrangements since you were leaving, it was not my place to ask, I’m not your mother. If you re-read your emails, you are making it sound like it’s my fault that you forgot. D just told me that you only asked her this morning and she has to run to school so she doesn’t have time and she is working right after school. So I guess it would help you if I went to pay it for you, right?

(Well I could have been more DB like...)

H - I don’t know what to say. I am making it sound like it’s your fault??!!! Pls read bellow and re-read my text from yesterday and point to me where do I make it sound like it’s your fault!! Yes, it’s my responsibility, but last month you brought the rent cheque to our meeting before the end of the month... if you have had the cheque for a week as you said, then you had it last Tuesday when we saw each other... Why not bring it and give it to me...
I told D that she could take the cheque after work, but she was reluctant. So yes, if you would take it to her it would be helpful... ( pay it for me?)
But don’t do it if it’s such a problem for you and I will tell the manager that I can’t arrange it before I come back. At this point I really don’t care if she is going to put some kind of letter into my file that would affect my future renting arrangements...

(Still blaming me, still no admittance of fault and still no "please")

Me - It’s not “such a problem” for me. I would have done it no problem if you’ve emailed me and said. “I’m sorry, I forgot about the rent, could you PLEASE take the cheque to the manager for me? That’s all you had to do....I really don’t understand you....and this hostility.
And no I didn’t have the cheque on Tuesday and on purpose didn’t bring it to you....I made it on the 30th as I usually do.

Never got "please" from him...so I took it to the landlord anyway.

Link to my old tread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954560&page=1

[Mila]

Thank you SA - you are right....I held on for as long as I could. But by doing what I'm doing I'm protecting whatever is left...for him too if he ever wakes up.

[seeking answers]

by doing what I'm doing I'm protecting whatever is left...for him too if he ever wakes up.

Mila,
No matter what you hear from your H always keep this ^^^ in mind.
You are a wise woman!

[LanceSijan]

Mila no problem, you can report your last thread to the moderator so she can lock it.

[punkin]

Mila,

We are in the same small boat, aren't we?? My only contact with H is through email, and that comes about once every 28-30 days. Just posted his lastest rant at me.

I know we are not supposed to dwell on this, but WTH are they thinking? ARE they thinking at all?

I had the same attitude about our place here when this first began. Just like when he was deployed in Iraq and Kuwait, I was protecting it for us. Give it up, in at least so much as what you are protecting it for. Protect it for yourself. Take care of you.

The taxes are due on property in my state on the 10th of October. Nearly $1000.00 He's never paid the taxes in his life. I paid them, not for him, but for me. It's never crossed his mind, and won't until my attorney asks him about it in court. HUH??? We are not their keepers nor their secretaries. Do what you have to do for you and you alone.

Tell him to pull up his big girl panties til the elastic breaks and he really shows his a$$

[kissak]

(Still blaming me, still no admittance of fault and still no "please")

Sometimes that is all it would take. A simple "please". Seems with everyone else it is "please and thank-you", but with us they forget their manners I guess.

[ericmsant2]

Mila

This sucks doesn't it.

We all get angry sometimes AND

In that anger we lash out...

Sometimes subtly sometime not so subtle

Your interaction with your H are dragging you back

Back to anger...

Back to the person that deep down YOUR NOT..

SO...

Keep it simple...

Keep it short...

Do not engage and stay YOUR course..

Question - did this exchange MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

If not, then how could it have?

God Bless,
Eric

Oh...I'll be over on Saturday to borrow the truck - LOL

[Mila]

Thank you SA, Lance, Punkin, Kissak & Eric

Thank you all for your support and Eric - you are absolutely right....my anger and resentment is still showing in my interactions with H. It was gone for a while and now that things are coming to head it's back.

It’s been a year since the bomb and in that year I’ve seen my life come apart. Everything that I ever believed in is no more. It’s not only that my H has left us, but it’s the domino effect of it all....the impact it’s having on my life. I got my heart shattered, I’ve lost my love, my best friend, our family, all that we have build together, now I’ll be loosing my home and most of the things in it that I love and our business. After running a successful business for 20 years I have to now find a job, because there is no income... So for me this has been a year of incredible losses and I do blame him for it....

I know that I’ll get past this and rebuild my life and be OK....but at this stage I struggle with existential issues that were forced upon me by H's actions and that’s fueling my anger and stirring up all kinds of negative emotions towards him. Right now I don’t know how to just put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is OK and treat him the same way as I did in the past, with love and compassion. OK he is in MLC, but it that an excuse to tolerate bad behavior?

I know that once I cut the cord...financially and otherwise and get on with my life, get past all of this stress, I will find balance and peace...and hopefully compassion and forgiveness for H. I'm not an angry, hateful person...the opposite I'm compassionate, calm, happy, easy going with an attitude of "live and let live". I want to be that person again...and I will.