Wow, thanks NotFromThesePart. Can't believe someone would take that kind of time to read my whole sitch.
Yeah I've got nothing but time right now. But there are a crazy number of parallels. The big difference is we have no kids, so I won't be as paitient as you.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
Not sure what you mean when you say I'm engineering my M. I am a very logical person, so that's certainly always present.
I think that maybe you've taken DBing too far. I think you have a formula that you believe is required to solve the sitch.
Just a thought, and other than reading all your thread I really don't have a lot of experience. But I think you are dwelling too much on remorse. Think about it. What if you could get past the remorse thing. Just give it up? Ignore the power struggles, the feeling of "fairness" etc. Is there a chance you two could work it out?
Or, said another way, what if she DID show you remorse? Would that be the magic bullet to lets you live happily ever after? I know you know this, but no matter what risks are still involved. Her saying "my A was a mistake", does it really change that much?
I respect the work you have put it and I think you have really helped a lot of people with your thread. I just hope that if/when it comes down to it and my wife says "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't know another way." I can accept it and we can move forward.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
I'm just doing the best I can. My W and I get along very well, and we share three little kids.
That is clear, and I admire you for it.
Last edited by NotFromThesePart; 10/10/1005:56 AM.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
to echo one earlier poster, no, you won't get the remorse you believe you deserve. If that's a deal breaker for you, then cut your losses now. No one has the same score card. Of course, SOME actions require remorse to some extent, but getting remorse to the extent you feel you "deserve"? I'd be surprised if that's even possible. So, my point is, whatever you do here, "detaching", GAL, standing, moving on, etc, DO know that you have to lose the scorecard. We simply don't measure things the same way and there are "Events" one partner will literally not even recall, that the other partner might be nursing a grudge about, or fighting a festering wound, or facing shame about an incident that the other partner quite honestly doesn't recall at all, or has a totally different memory of. That's normal in regular life. Add to the normal things, the ingredients of a troubled marriage, and you're bound to have very different score cards. I don't think my h and I will ever recall our marital history the same way. And I wonder if that would be the case regardless of troubles. I mean, all marriages have people with different viewpoints. WItnesses at car accidents don't see the same things. No matter what, you will need to accept this.
To be clear, this does NOT mean if the time comes for a recon, that you won't set up clear boundaries & expectations for rebuilding trust. It does mean you have to lose the score card and looking for "even Steven justice" here. It's basically a question of whether you want to be happy, or "right". And what does it mean to be "right"?
If you want to be happy, you will need to change your life AND your viewpoint. Sounds as if you've done a lot of work on yourself. So now maybe you need to see things differently, and in time, (more than you think) you'll like the results. If you choose, you will be happy again.
But forget about how she feels, what she thinks of the past, etc. Let all that go. Incorporate the strong advice you've gotten here, & doing things differently... You will never ever agree on the past. No couples truly see the past the same way, let alone when there's pain. All that will matter is whether you can agree on thefuture and the foundation of a new M, "From this day forward". Let's hope you get there, if it's best for YOU and the kids. If not, so be it. You'll be alright no matter what. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
to echo one earlier poster, no, you won't get the remorse you believe you deserve. If that's a deal breaker for you, then cut your losses now. No one has the same score card. Of course, SOME actions require remorse to some extent, but getting remorse to the extent you feel you "deserve"? I'd be surprised if that's even possible. So, my point is, whatever you do here, "detaching", GAL, standing, moving on, etc, DO know that you have to lose the scorecard. We simply don't measure things the same way and there are "Events" one partner will literally not even recall, that the other partner might be nursing a grudge about, or fighting a festering wound, or facing shame about an incident that the other partner quite honestly doesn't recall at all, or has a totally different memory of. That's normal in regular life. Add to the normal things, the ingredients of a troubled marriage, and you're bound to have very different score cards. I don't think my h and I will ever recall our marital history the same way. And I wonder if that would be the case regardless of troubles. I mean, all marriages have people with different viewpoints. WItnesses at car accidents don't see the same things. No matter what, you will need to accept this.
To be clear, this does NOT mean if the time comes for a recon, that you won't set up clear boundaries & expectations for rebuilding trust. It does mean you have to lose the score card and looking for "even Steven justice" here. It's basically a question of whether you want to be happy, or "right". And what does it mean to be "right"?
If you want to be happy, you will need to change your life AND your viewpoint. Sounds as if you've done a lot of work on yourself. So now maybe you need to see things differently, and in time, (more than you think) you'll like the results. If you choose, you will be happy again.
But forget about how she feels, what she thinks of the past, etc. Let all that go. Incorporate the strong advice you've gotten here, & doing things differently... You will never ever agree on the past. No couples truly see the past the same way, let alone when there's pain. All that will matter is whether you can agree on thefuture and the foundation of a new M, "From this day forward". Let's hope you get there, if it's best for YOU and the kids. If not, so be it. You'll be alright no matter what. j-
In the past, I told my W that I wanted to hear her say she was sorry. She said how could she be sorry for something she had never done? You won't hear it now and may never hear it. It sucks.
From this day forward - that's so important. I'm getting there, letting go of the blame and also the guilt.
Look to the future, whatever it may hold and forget the past.
In the past, I told my W that I wanted to hear her say she was sorry. She said how could she be sorry for something she had never done? You won't hear it now and may never hear it. It sucks.
From this day forward - that's so important. I'm getting there, letting go of the blame and also the guilt.
Look to the future, whatever it may hold and forget the past.
She was honest. You did not want to hear "I'm sorry" just to hear it.
I really don't have any respect for her at this point.
On the other hand, you're right, I don't want her to tell me just because I want to hear it. It would be great to hear if it was from her heart. I don't need to hear it anymore, though.
I posted this on "gr8 day 2B alive"s thread. Copying here for completeness:
Quote:
I haven't posted in a while on my sitch. I guess it's part of letting go, I'm just not that interested in posting. Let's see, because of our fight a couple weeks ago, W and I agreed to get divorced, I went away on a trip for a few days, I get back and she's flirting like crazy with me, I ask her what's up with the flirting, she denies that she's flirting, we stick to the plan to get divorced, she says maybe we can get remarried in a few years (wow), she says she needs to be on her own for a while, I say fine, we're working on getting the legal stuff done, I had a solo session with our MC, MC said I need to protect myself from W's erratic behavior and stay away until W consistently demonstrates real desire to reconcile, I'm out GALing and having fun, finally decided to live for myself. Whew!
A very attractive woman I know has been showing interest for a couple months now, and I finally decided to open that door a little. We have a date tomorrow night.
Well, she isn't too clingy, yet, but we did have a great time.
So cool meeting new people. Never know what to expect. I've casually known this woman for about a year now, and I never had even the slightest thought that she was significantly athletic. Turns out she grew up in the Rockies, and was a champion skier in her youth. She had to make a decision after high school to either pursue education in college, or join the junior Olympic team. A really bad high speed wipeout on the giant slalom shook her confidence, and she chose to go the college route. This is why dating is such an important part of GALing, especially for us folks who have been married a long time, to remind us there are other very interesting potential partners out there.
I was at home getting ready when my son called and asked me to bring his band instrument over to W's house. I brought it on the way. I now get the whole point of how the LBS is advised to act when around the WAS. I was dressed up, wearing cologne, in a good mood, and in a hurry. When I walked into W's house, she immediately offered me dinner, which I happily declined, even though it did look and smell good. Even after I said no thanks, she asked if I'd like to take it with me. I graciously declined again. The kids were all over me, and I didn't want to be late, so I was looking at my watch, and obviously trying to hurry along my little conversations with the kids and W. I made a hasty exit and met my date.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
