How to tell the kids

[DumpedforMIL]

Ok. As you can tell, it is a sore spot with me also. She wants to leave and says she doesn't care about the money, but she has no issues continuing to live off of me while refusing to put in her best effort to support herself and then continues to ask for more? UFB!

do you mind if i borrow your thread and vent a bit then?

like you, the last 10 months has been tough. i haven't spoken to my stbxh in almost 4 months.

i found out that he had purchased a new home. he's taking possession this friday. i also found out that he upgraded the house to the max. top of the line everything. probably his way of saying "you held me back from having the best in life. now that i'm free of you, i can do whatever i want .. whenever i want .. and have whatever i want."

our fight is over money. i hate fighting over money. i have not asked for anything but an even split. he wanted 80% of our assets.

i know this isn't a tit for tat thing .. but i am fighting the urge to do some stupid things.
a) trash his new home. this could land me in jail but it's better than living.
b) go head to head with him and go "bigger and better than his" with my home.
c) take him for all he's worth in the separation agreement and drag this out for as long as i can.

i hate reading these boards and the advice given to men here. how women want men to lead. how women are need to feel secure .. emotionally and financially. that's a bunch of horse manure. men say that women want emotional and financial secure will turn things around and call you a money grubber for wanting those things.

i no longer believe that men want to take care of someone. men only care about their own needs and making sure they are able to take more than they need to give. when they feel they are no longer receiving more, they just cut and run with everything.

i am afraid to want emotional and financial security from a man because i believe that nobody will ever want to take care of me. all i ever wanted was for someone to say they wanted to take care of me. that it was better to have me in their life than to not have me.

UST

[DanF]

Ok, this is going to be WAY TOO LONG for anyone but you and I to read! UST!!

do you mind if i borrow your thread and vent a bit then?

Thanks for venting on my thread. You can do it anytime. I will have to read-up on yours when I get the chance. Maybe tonight. I probably shouldn't comment until I know more about what is going on, but….

like you, the last 10 months has been tough. i haven't spoken to my stbxh in almost 4 months.

Wow. That IS a long time. Sometimes I wish we didn't have any kids so I could do the same. I don’t talk to her at all anymore, except about the kids.

i found out that he had purchased a new home. he's taking possession this friday. i also found out that he upgraded the house to the max. top of the line everything. probably his way of saying "you held me back from having the best in life. now that i'm free of you, i can do whatever i want .. whenever i want .. and have whatever i want."

He can buy a home while a D is pending? Wow. He probably IS trying to stick it in your face.

i have not asked for anything but an even split. he wanted 80% of our assets.

80% certainly doesn't seem fair at all, and unless you had a prenup, I don't think the court will see it that way either.

I don't know what your sitch was when you got into the relationship, but since W and I met in college, neither of us had anything, so I am more than happy to split what we have 50/50. We earned it together and whether I worked more or not, these are decisions we made together. I worked more and she pretty much took care of the kids and the household. She apparently isn't happy with the results of those decisions.

I am more concerned about how everyone is going to live going forward. We are all in for a MAJOR reduction in our standard of living and it makes me sick to see this coming after working so hard for 20 years to build everything we have. We will basically be starting over again in our mid 40's. She says she doesn't care about the money and will somehow "survive", but life isn't supposed to be that way and I am not accepting it for me and my kids.

I don't mind paying for what my kids need, but the child support amounts seem a bit high IMO. Then there is Maintenance / Alimony. Why? She is choosing to leave. Let her pay her own way. She's even refusing to go back to work full-time!

i know this isn't a tit for tat thing .. but i am fighting the urge to do some stupid things.
a) trash his new home. this could land me in jail but it's better than living.
b) go head to head with him and go "bigger and better than his" with my home.
c) take him for all he's worth in the separation agreement and drag this out for as long as i can.

If you have to do one of those, choose C. You still need to detach and don't do anything to get yourself in over your head financially. Get the house you need and don't try to best him. Who cares what he does anymore? Just get what you deserve out of the relationship.

i hate reading these boards and the advice given to men here. how women want men to lead. how women are need to feel secure .. emotionally and financially. that's a bunch of horse manure. men say that women want emotional and financial secure will turn things around and call you a money grubber for wanting those things.

I think there is some truth to it. In fact, I really didn't lead in our relationship. I chose to let her lead and we mostly did what she wanted to do. When asked by a counselor what she wanted from a marriage, she said security and stability. He said, well you got that, didn't you? She didn’t have an answer but just sat threre with a blank look on her face. I would say that she is a money grubber now, because she expects to continue to live off of me while contributing nothing. She continues to get $, what do I get?

i no longer believe that men want to take care of someone. men only care about their own needs and making sure they are able to take more than they need to give. when they feel they are no longer receiving more, they just cut and run with everything.

i am afraid to want emotional and financial security from a man because i believe that nobody will ever want to take care of me. all i ever wanted was for someone to say they wanted to take care of me. that it was better to have me in their life than to not have me.

UST

I don’t know if it is about WANTING to take care of someone. I think women have that need more than men do. I did have needs that I wanted to be met, and I asked for the things I needed. For me, that is/was primarily sexual. I didn’t demand dinner be made and often made myself a sandwich, soup or whatever. I can pretty much take care of myself and be happy. I tried to take care of her needs in the same manner I wanted to be taken care of, but she wanted different things. I get that now, but didn’t back then and she didn’t ask for what she needed, because she “shouldn’t have to.” Right. I am psychic. I thought I was doing the right things and once it was clear to me that I wasn’t, it was too late. It just mad her even more upset when I did what she asked me to do. I was then SMOTHERING her.

I don’t think you SHOULD want to rely on a man for emotional and financial security. I think you need to be secure on your own and that a partner can only further enhance your existing feelings. I can’t make my W happy. That is something you have to do for yourself.

For some men, I think they like to be “players” or whatever you want to call it and they don’t care who it is in their life. For me, I never wanted anything other than to be with my W. I WANT to take care of her and meet her needs, I just need to know what they are. I get pleasure out of helping people and my spouse would be no exception. We had an open checkbook. We did pretty much whatever we wanted to do. Maybe when life gets too easy, it is too easy to find other things to complain about.

Hang in there U Sexy Thang. I know you are strong. I will read-up on your sitch, but I don’t know if I will have good advice to offer or not. I may not be so good at this myself.

[DumpedforMIL]

I will have to read-up on yours when I get the chance. Maybe tonight.

my thread is long. really long. a lot of venting. i'm just one crazy a$$ b*tch.

Wow. That IS a long time.

not a day goes by where i wonder .. how the heck did we get to this point? i've never hated someone so much as to not say a word to them. not even a hello.

He can buy a home while a D is pending? Wow. He probably IS trying to stick it in your face.

i'm guilty of the same. i bought one shortly after he did.

We are all in for a MAJOR reduction in our standard of living and it makes me sick to see this coming after working so hard for 20 years to build everything we have.

those same words came out of my mouth. and all i got was "it's a small price to pay".

We will basically be starting over again in our mid 40's.

the way i see it, i'm picking up from where i left off. to say that i'm starting all over again, implies that i failed. i didn't choose this. i didn't fail. he did.

I don't mind paying for what my kids need, but the child support amounts seem a bit high IMO. Then there is Maintenance / Alimony. Why? She is choosing to leave. Let her pay her own way. She's even refusing to go back to work full-time!

this is unfair. i feel for you. i don't know why the lbs ends up paying for something they didn't ask for. what is her justification for the amount of cs she is requesting?

If you have to do one of those, choose C. You still need to detach and don't do anything to get yourself in over your head financially. Get the house you need and don't try to best him. Who cares what he does anymore? Just get what you deserve out of the relationship.

at first, i was going to walk away with a modest deal. then i found out about the fully loaded cadillac that he was getting and i changed my mind. i can't let someone like that off easy.

For me, I never wanted anything other than to be with my W. I WANT to take care of her and meet her needs, I just need to know what they are. I get pleasure out of helping people and my spouse would be no exception. We had an open checkbook. We did pretty much whatever we wanted to do. Maybe when life gets too easy, it is too easy to find other things to complain about.

i wanted to take care of my stbxh. i found someone who's happiness was more important than mine. when he was happy, i was happy (actually, i felt good because i was able put a smile on his face). i guess it's like you helping someone out. somewhere along the line, i stopped putting his happiness ahead of mine. he took notice and started on a negative rant. it just snowballed from there.

Hang in there U Sexy Thang. I know you are strong. I will read-up on your sitch, but I don’t know if I will have good advice to offer or not. I may not be so good at this myself.

i'm just mad. but for some reason, reading your response to me .. made the anger simmer down a bit.
my family is concerned about my mental state. and at first, i was too. i lost my appetite again. the anger is overwhelming.

i'm tired of being strong.

UST.

[Onthemountaintop]

i no longer believe that men want to take care of someone. men only care about their own needs and making sure they are able to take more than they need to give.

Hi UST...

Why not take away "men" and substitute "some people"? My W sees $ as a way to control her life, even if it ruins mine/my kids when they are with me. So I have to consider ways to 'fight back'. MAYBE she has better intentions, but if we could have honest discussions during our M, we wouldn't be planning a D!

Men and women are different, but our reasons are related to our experiences, not just gender.

[DumpedforMIL]

i think it's more of knowing that someone has your back .. and they want to make you happy. and you in turn want to make them happy and you have their back.

there is something so powerful about that.

it's not about providing financially. it's about having someone to share your joy with.

i'm fighting $ with $. it's become a competition. who will build the bigger and better bentley? i want to hurt him in ways that he understands and that's in material things.

you want a bentley? i'll get an aston martin.
if you use material goods as a metric of happiness or success .. there will alway be someone with more. and thus, you will never be happy or successful.

at the end of the day, only a human being can give you that warm hug when you've had a rough day. an expensive car won't.

UST

[idontunderstand]

i think it's more of knowing that someone has your back .. and they want to make you happy. and you in turn want to make them happy and you have their back.

there is something so powerful about that.

Very true.

I remember telling people at work, friends who's wives I thought were controlling, and family how lucky I was to have the W that I did. Sure she had her moods sometimes but, all in all, we had a great relationship. We were always on the same page. She told me over and over how I could never get rid of her, I was hers forever. I felt the same way.

Problem is, I told this to everyone but her. Yeah, I told her here and there, but not enough and not in a way so she would really hear it and feel it.

I always had her back. She could do nothing, in my eyes, that would make me not love her and be there for her.

It's all maybe just a guy thing; We don't open up enough and let our W know how we really treasure them. It's a sad, hard lesson to learn. No one has my back, now. I have to be on my own, and I can handle it. It sure was nice having that support, now that I realize what I am missing.

Dan, I agree that the whole system is flawed. My W has talked about taking 40% of my pay. That's what she's entitled to going by the books. She wants to leave, she wants to party and leave the kids home with me. Great! Do it! I shouldn't be expected to pay for her to be free. If I have the kids 50% and so does she, why should I have to pay her anything?

She has already said she can't find anyplace big enough for her and 4 kids. The places that are, she can't afford. Not my problem. The kids have a home.

Sorry, that post was all over the place. Hang in there and fight for what's right!

[DumpedforMIL]

Sorry, that post was all over the place. Hang in there and fight for what's right!

unfortunately, when the fight is about money, that isn't right.

UST

[idontunderstand]

Sorry, that post was all over the place. Hang in there and fight for what's right!

unfortunately, when the fight is about money, that isn't right.

UST

I digress.

You are 100% correct. It is a fight now, and the "good side" doesn't always win.

Just keep fighting, Dan. You are on the good side and should fight for you and your kids.

Just trying to offer my support. Doesn't always come out the way I want it.

[DanF]

I like all over the place!!!

Unfortunatley, UST, it's ALWAYS about the money, unless you have so much that it doesn't matter.

I have estimated that our combined disposable income has dropped about $2k per month. For me that is a TON of money. I have worked hard to get my life to the place where I didn't really have to worry about money. Had a nice house, good job, great family, kids getting older. Life was supposed to be getting easier. Now that life has a bullet in it's head.

I can remember back to college, when I didn't have hardly any money. I had a great time, but it was a pretty basic existence back then and no kids to worry about. It's easy to say that money shouldn't be an issue, but someone has to make it.

W says she doesn't care about the money, yet she takes 1/2 of mine and still tries to nickel and dime me. It is easy to say you don't care about the money when you have money.

I read in a book that it is easier to relate to each other when you are younger, because you face many of the same problems. You don't have money, so you are struggling to pay for a place to live, food to eat, bills to pay, etc. Later, someone focuses on a career and another on the household/kids or whatever and your problems are no longer congruent and you don't understand each other as well as you once did. If there is a communication issue, problems build. Me and W had a BIG communication issue, but it didn't drive me over the edge, only her. Why?

In our case, I worked harder (lots of hours)as I got older and didn't pay enough attention to her and the kids. We got whatever material things we wanted, but that isn't a substitute for the connection. She worked part-time and did EVERYTHING for the kids. They were her life to the point that she didn't pay enough attention to me or our relationship.

This is a 2-way street, but only one bailed out. However, I am getting to that point myself now.

Hang in there all.

I will respond to above later UST!

[DanF]

i'm just one crazy a$$ b*tch.

Hmmm…….So is your advice safe then? Ha ha ha ha ha

not a day goes by where i wonder .. how the heck did we get to this point? i've never hated someone so much as to not say a word to them. not even a hello.

I wonder that a lot myself. I thought we were forever. Our friends can't believe this is happening. To them, we were one of the best couples they know. We seemed like best friends. I don’t hate her, but I don’t want to be her friend either. I’m not sure if that is from a punishing her or self-preservation standpoint. If she doesn’t want me, I’m out and finding someone else to spend my emotions on.

We will basically be starting over again in our mid 40's.

the way i see it, i'm picking up from where i left off. to say that i'm starting all over again, implies that i failed. i didn't choose this. i didn't fail. he did.

I meant starting over from a financial perspective. We will have no equity to roll into a new home. We will likely both be renting for a while trying to save-up down payment money. It will be like buing a first home again.

this is unfair. i feel for you. i don't know why the lbs ends up paying for something they didn't ask for. what is her justification for the amount of cs she is requesting?

The CS is based on a state formula and the amount of money that she makes. The less she makes, the more I pay to be able to maintain the kids lives. The Alimony/Maintenance is a wild card and depends upon the judge in the case. My L says her rule of thumb is ½ the length of the marriage and split whatever income is left after the child support 50/50. In my case that is 7 years and also dependent upon how much she makes. However, the judge can do as he sees fit, so who knows what will happen. She originally said she would waive the maintenance if I would let her have the kids, but I told her that I wasn’t going to sell my kids for maintenance. I guess her justification is that she needs to work part time so she can continue to do what she has always done for the kids. They are 9 and 11 and don’t need to have their hands held anymore IMO. Unfortunately, everyone will suffer some loss from this D and they are no exception.

My line on this one is: She continues to get the benefit of my $ because of her investment in the marriage, but what do I get for MY investment? Is she going to come over and clean my house? Is she going to get on her back a couple of times per week? Why does anyone, especially the WAS, continue to get benefits from a dissolved marriage. Like I said, I will willingly pay for my kids, but not for her. This was her choice.

Hang in there U Sexy Thang. I know you are strong. I will read-up on your sitch, but I don’t know if I will have good advice to offer or not. I may not be so good at this myself.

i'm just mad. but for some reason, reading your response to me .. made the anger simmer down a bit.
my family is concerned about my mental state. and at first, i was too. i lost my appetite again. the anger is overwhelming.

i'm tired of being strong.

UST.

I am tired too UST, I am tired too. I’m glad you simmered down a bit and I hope I can help you in the future. It sounds like you are financially stable and don’t have kids to worry about, now we just have to find out how to combat the anger. You have to let it go. You are your own wonderful person and you can have a GREAT life without him. There are millions of other men on the planet if you want to take another chance. It will be hard to ever totally commit again, but I’m betting that it can be even better with the next one, as long as we learn from our mistakes. Breathe deep. Enjoy the Fall. It is my favorite time of year. Find things that you enjoy doing. I have spending a lot of time with friends and it has been wonderful. My anger and sorrow are mostly gone now. Sometimes I even feel sorry for HER!

Hang in there U SEXY THANG!!!!!