After dinner, wife fell asleep on the sofa while watching yet another TV show.
She's bored.
Quote:
She's not motivated to do much this week
What motivated you to engage in your marriage? Remember what works, do more of it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
After dinner, wife fell asleep on the sofa while watching yet another TV show.
She's bored.
Quote:
She's not motivated to do much this week
What motivated you to engage in your marriage? Remember what works, do more of it.
Her saying she wanted out...
I'm not sure tonight was a case of boredom for her (though it is for me) so much as being burned out/stressed out. She was watching one of her favorite shows, and couldn't even stay awake for it. She normally wakes up at 5am, so watching any show past 10pm is tough for her.
But she has a hard time being spontaneous, a that's a mismatch between us. If I try and plan something, she finds financial objections, or time constraints.
I need to lead on this. But I also want to accept her as she is too. That was one of the things she said was important in MC. Her way of recharging her batteries is zoning out in front of a TV.
Retrouvaille question. The weekend I'm lining up is in another state; I know there are followup sessions over the following three months, but are they something we'd have to go to or are they just things we could work on at home?
You NEED to plan on attending the Post sessions or CORE as they call them. That is when the real "work" is done. The weekend is just a jumpstart.
My H and I attended our weekend at a location about 4 hours away from our home because it was the soonest date we could schedule. But because of the distance, we waited until the local chapter in our city was starting their Post sessions. It was a couple of months lag, but there was no way we would have driven for the other ones. You can also repeat any sessions you wish of the CORE program, too, which is nice.
Ok. The initial weekend is in WI, and that's too far to drive for the follow up sessions. I'll look to see what the closest chapter is for the post sessions.
i agree with Silverado. The weekend is critical to changing the dynamic and setting you on the right road. But the Post sessions really make a difference and will help you tremendously. So, I recommend the plan that Silverado did -- weekend in the other state to get started, and then the closest place for Post sessions, even if you have to wait a couple of months to get them started. I know 90 minutes is not close, we drove over an hour to our Post sessions. But it was well worth it. I think you will be glad you did it.
Post and CORE are just day sessions. They are not synonymous. Post is the group of sessions after the weekend. Here in Tampa, Post sessions are 4 hours long because we only do 6 sessions with 2 topics covered in each session. Some places do 12 weeks. After that you are graduates of the program and you will be invited to the Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience (CORE) programs. Those are not a defined part of the program, they are more like continuing education sessions that are put together by the local groups to keep in touch with each other and the Retrouvaille experience.
Ran 5K when I got home, in prep for my race on Sun. Noticed a phone number and name written on a piece of paper. Turns out it was the housing place my wife had talked to in June. When the girls were busy, my wife explained that the lady at the housing called her and said that there were no openings now, and that W should call her back to let her know what to do. I asked what she was going to tell the lady. She said "that I don't need it." She had tears in her eyes, and I asked her why, she said "Because I'll do anything for my babies."
We talked later about me moving out. She said she thought that we had agreed to stay together since the finances were better that way, and for the girls. She said being financially secure was huge for her. I listened and validated, told her that I was leaning more towards separation though. That staying together like this, just for the girls and finances would be really unhealthy for me, for her, and the girls.
Now when I wake up, I realize we're both right. Financially it's a no-brainer. And the girls would probably be better off assuming W and I can remain on good terms so that there's no fighting or anything.
If I leave, I'll end up happy. But I won't have any money, I won't be able to provide as well for my daughters like I want. Even when our debts are payed off, there just won't be much money to go around.
And I realize that I had expectations; that staying together would eventually lead to reconciling. That was dumb.
The easy thing from an emotional standpoint is to move out. I wouldn't be deceiving myself about what was happening in our R.
Oh, and irony. While talking last night, my W asked me how I could be so detached about the sitch.
We talked later about me moving out. She said she thought that we had agreed to stay together since the finances were better that way, and for the girls. She said being financially secure was huge for her. I listened and validated, told her that I was leaning more towards separation though. That staying together like this, just for the girls and finances would be really unhealthy for me, for her, and the girls.
this is a good R talk.
Quote:
She said she thought that we had agreed to stay together since the finances were better that way,
She's not convinced you are serious about what you say.
Drop the bomb and back it up with action. Have a plan to show her, let her feel you walking away then do it. Otherwise you sit in limbo in a loveless marraige and then when the kids are gone - what happens? Help her feel the consequences of her not doing the work. She says she will do anything, make her prove it.
Sharpen up the truth darts. Lead, have a plan for either outcome and be prepared to take action quickly. Limbo sucks the life out of you, kills attraction, and leads to resentment.
Quote:
While talking last night, my W asked me how I could be so detached about the sitch.
She is watching you very closely. That comment is good.
"I get it, I have been selfish trying to get you to stay in a marriage that isn't making you happy. I am not happy and I have decided that this isn't going to work, us just staying together for the girls. We all deserve better and I am going to be a good role model for the girls. You and I need to sit down and discuss how to handle this."
When you drop the bomb again she will try to tag you again. So if she isn't kissing you (intimate in her mind) then you drop another laser bomb.
"I really don't think we should do this. It's not attractive to see you trying this and you aren't passionate about me. Plus I don't want to confuse you about where we are headed."
The flip side is your wife is bending but she hasn't gone all in. If she really wants to commit, tell her you have plan but you need time to think to see if she is serious. Don't give in too easily.
You can handle it. You have control when you realise you have choices.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
