Currently the only things I have on the list for me are planning a ladies get together at my church this coming up weekend. That will keep me busy this week and weekend doing the planning and getting ready for that.
I would love to take the kids to the fair this week. My Daughter asked her dad if they could go last night, he said only if your mom is gonna take you. SO, It will probably be just me taking them this week. Funny, last year at the fair is when he asked me if he could come home
I have lots of things around the house I need to do...but I tried to do that last night and stay busy, but all I heard from my H last night was that I seemed different....because I was doing my own thing and paying him no mind. Guess there will be more of that if I do more things for me.
I really wish he would just go away for a while. Not permently, but temporarily. Just so we could have some space/time apart.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
IMO, there comes a time when you will really need to determine how long you can tolerate this behavior.
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I have told him that I do not like the anger in the bedroom
Telling and allowing are 2 different things. Your ACTIONS should mirror YOUR words.
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I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this.
You have the answer to this question and it is inside YOU. What you will need to do is really dig for it.
Fear? Codependancy? Insecurities? Lack of a sense of self?
Dig Kissak...dig.
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He did say he was sorry
That is a start. Will you be able to stand your ground when he pushes again? That is the question that you need to answer but will not be able to until you dig and understand WHY you allow this.
Kissak,
Once you start standing up for yourself he is not going to understand. The dynamics of the R have changed and the power of YOU would have shifted from HIM to YOU. He will more than likely rebel. You should be prepared to stick to your values and your beliefs.
This is hard Kissak - it really is.
You many not know this about me but I too was a controlling as*hole. Stand your ground - he will respect you for it at somepoint.
Once you stand for Kissak...
You will really see what you are made of.
It is not easy
It is very scary - can you be alone? can you manage the household? What will your life be like?
All of these questions and fears will surface - face'em. Stare them down. Look up and ask God to give you the strength you need.
And then really begin to work on you. Find who that strong Kissak is AND
Maybe...
Just maybe....
Your H will begin to really work on and FIX his chit
I am praying for you AND your H.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you Eric. You are right. I really do need to dig deep. I need to know why I allow this. Fear? Yes Codependancy? Im sure Insecurities? Probably so Lack of a sense of self? Not sure on that one.
I just have this need to make him happy with ME. Codepenant stuff I guess. I dont want him to walk away blaming ME for everything, which is why I try so hard, yet he will probably blame me anyway.
You guys have no idea how many times I have re-read these posts to me the last few days. Im trying to step outside my Marriage and see it for what it really is.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
K, I'm so sorry, but you need to listen to what the posters have been telling you today. You have to think about what YOU want for now. Your h is still very much in mlc and will do just about anything to manipulate and control you. Why? Because you have changed and he can't figure it out and he wants you right back to the way you were so long ago.
If this man cannot meet you halfway in the bedroom, then cut him off. You have emotional feelings as well and it's not all about him.
The man is playing mind games w/you and is trying to beat you down....please don't go there. You have come such a long way and have found your footing. Stay true to yourself. If he doesn't like it, too bad. It's time you thought about what you want in life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly....it is time I thought about what I want in life.
He said I changed when he came home. That I worked so hard to get him to come home, then I changed.
Is it fair to say that things are different when he is home than when he was away?? Less pressure maybe when he werent here? Just thinking.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
K, He doesn't realize that people do change in time and especially after what you have been through. When they enter the Mother Ship, they are expecting us to remain right where they left us and to be that same person they left behind. Life doesn't work that way....we evolve and we've learned to deal w/everything that comes our way, the experiences change us.
Let me share this w/you....my xh walked out the door and then returned home and I jumped through hoops to please him. Every time he said he wasn't happy w/something I said or did, I would try my best to change to make him happy. You know what? Nothing makes them happy and my xh stood in my family room and declared that nothing had changed? Well, hello? I had jumped through hoops, become very unhappy and extremely tired of his bs...that's when I realized that no matter what you did, he would find fault w/it. What did I do? Dropped the rope and began doing for me. I did what I needed to do to make myself whole and happy once again.
K, what I'm really trying to say is this, you cannot compete w/an mlcer when they are unhappy. You need to stay true to yourself and realize that your happiness is just as important as his...
Remember...this is not about you at all...but about him and it wouldn't matter if he was home or on the street...he wouldn't be happy w/anything you said or did. Live your life for YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know that this is so very difficult for you....you are getting great advice and lots of food for thought....at this point it has to be about you and no longer about him....for your own mental health....I can feel how much you suffer through this.
I can tell you from my own experience that to separate from H mentally...to stop trying to please him, help him, to stop thinking of him first as I always did, to stop worrying about making him upset and on and on......was the hardest part for me....the most painful....
Let your survival instinct kick in....now it's you or him....which one will you choose.
((((mega hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
This is hard. NOt quite as hard as the first time he left me, but its still hard to deal with. I mean, I dont want him to leave. I still hold onto the hope I can keep my family together. But marriage is a two way street. I feel like Im giving all I got, even when I dont want to. ANd he will only give if he feels it. Well, it shouldnt work that way. Ive been giving and giving for quite a while now, without getting nothing back.
I havent changed that much. I mean, I have changed from the first time he left me 4 years ago, yes I am a different person since then, Im more aware of things and im stronger in all kinds of ways.
I thought alot about it since last night. Before my H came home, I heard lots of promises of how he would help around the house, do more things with me, help me more with the kids, etc. Well the longer he was home, the more I noticed he werent living up to what he said....so, not that i was harboring any resentment, I just felt like I had more on me to do. I was helping him do a paper route every other day starting at 4am...so I was tired most nights as was he. So, the intimacy was lacking...I didnt feel like it most of the time, it had also gotten to the point with him that it felt like just sex to me....I began to be turned off by this. I told him many times how I wanted it to be....I wanted more intimacy, loving, etc. I wanted him to take walks with me, help me with dinner at night...for everything he had excuses...so this affected me...which in turn affected him...so, I have noticed this, yet he still wants to throw the blame all my way. Here is what he told me when throwing all the blame my way yesterday...he saw that I changed and over time he just adapted to my changes, but he didnt like them...which has lead to all his frustration.
Nothing was talked about last night. I went to sleep about the time he came home from a meeting. He wanted sex (just sex), I didnt. So I told him no. He didnt argue, so we both went to sleep. This morning I found out on FB that a friend of his had passed away...I texted him to tell him that I had heard about it, but he was surprised. He hadnt heard it yet. I asked how come none of his buddies let him know about it...he didnt know. Strange, last week he got sooo many texts from people concerned about this person being sick, yet none of them let him know of her passing....
Now he is already texting me this morning wanting to know what iM thinking...to put him off I have just replyed "not much right now".
Dont know what to say. Did talk to a friend this morning who has told her H that she is taking her kids and leaving him. She makes it sound so easy. Like she is happy to just get rid of her H. Why is it so easy for some, and not me?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
alot of the problems I hear coming from my H lately are about the sex...well, I read the 9 tips on the sexual issues thread. It explains exactly how I feel. It puts all my thoughts into words on how I feel about sex. I have a lower sex drive than my H does. I was wondering if it would do any good to send that article to my H in an email and ask him if he would read it. I dont know if it would help at all, but then again, could it hurt any?
Any thoughts?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
