Hi...starting a new thread. OTher one was getting too long.
Thank you for worrying about me Mila. This weekend has not been the best at all.
Just got out of church tonight...heading home I had to stop by the shop to get something...decided to check on my thread first. Stalling going home probably.
I noticed on his fb tonight that he said he is VERY TIRED. ANd in need of a few drinks. I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants. I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence. That I want it to be loving and comforting...well his reply was, maybe if I gave him what HE wanted I would get what I want. Ugh! How can I get him to understand that I just DO NOT want to have sex with him or can I look at him with desire when he refused to even kiss me, and is never doing anything or saying anything NICE to me at all? He doesnt get it, its all about HIM. Dont get me wrong...I want to do things nice for him, I want to do things that make him feel good, but I just dont FEEL it. I feel like I may as well be a paid, well...you know...I just feel used is all.
I heard a very good message at church tonight...I was able to apply it to me and my H. Going to remember it as I go home. Im thinking he will be in bed already as he is fed up with me today.
I have tried to do what i wanted to do this weekend. Even went to my parents and my sisters house. He didnt seem to care what I did.
Well, Im going to head home now. Pray for me please.
Last edited by kissak; 10/18/1012:24 AM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you Shantilly. I wonder about my strength here lately though.
Last night when I got home, My H and I went to bed and watched a little tv. He wanted sex of course, well he wanted me to do everything I should say (sorry, lol)Well, he asked me if when I looked at him if I "wanted him". Well, I paused for a minute. BAD IDEA. I told him that yes, I wanted him when I looked at him. He said I took too long to think about that, so I said that it was very hard for me to be intimate with him when he wouldnt even kiss me. He said nothing. I told him how I didnt like how he treated me...in the bedroom. He said it was just to get a reaction out of me and that he always got the reaction he expected (not the one he wanted but expected). OK, I walk out of the room just a little upset, but didnt let him know that. I came back into the room and he wanted to continue with the sex, it was like he didnt hear anything I said. He wants from me, but what I want...doesnt matter. I have told him how him NOT kissing me hurts me, yet he continues to turn his cheek the other way. BUT he wants me to keep DOING for him...with feeling??
OK, how can I make it any clearer that I am attracted to my H physically, but NOT emotionally? Could anyone be attracted to someone who treats them badly? I cant. He doesnt get it. Im trying not to feel bad for saying what I said, for hurting his feelings by making him think Im not attracted to him....but, to me, he is an ugly person right now. I cant help it.
What sucks is that he is sitting around all day long thinking IM THE ONE making HIM unhappy. OK, that may be how he feels, but does how he treats me NOT supposed to affect how I TREAT HIM?
Just trying to sort this out in my head. BUT then again, maybe im giving it too much room in my head.
Last edited by kissak; 10/18/1001:21 PM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Today I got a text from my h. He wants to know what is up with me lately, that I seem different???? That I have a different attitude lately or something!
OMG I am at a loss for words.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants.]/quote] Answer me this�.healthy boundaries are FOR WHO?
[quote]I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence.
Kissak, I do not want any of the details BUT, you may really need to start thinking about how healthy this is for YOU.
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well his reply was, maybe if I gave him what HE wanted I would get what I want. Ugh!
Manipulation and CONTROL. So are you going to allow him to continue to control you?
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How can I get him to understand that I just DO NOT want to have sex with him or can I look at him with desire when he refused to even kiss me, and is never doing anything or saying anything NICE to me at all?
You can lead a horse to water but ya can�t make him�.. You cannot get him to �see� anything that HE chooses not to. Your statement though sounds like YOU are a victim! You are only a victim IF you allow YOURSELF to be.
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He doesnt get it, its all about HIM
Did you forget that your H is in MLC? Also, he makes everything about HIM�.so what should YOU make everything about? Psst�.is starts with the letter Y and ends with a U. Should you focused on HIM or YOU?
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I feel like I may as well be a paid, well...you know...I just feel used is all.
I, I, I, I, I�� What DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU�. Stop being a victim and stop giving him all of this control over YOU. He is angry in the bedroom, we�ll then he should not get �any�. Period. You should not feel like a �paid� servant.
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He didnt seem to care what I did.
The bigger question�is WHY do YOU care that HE did not care about WHAT you did. Sounds to me that you are still reacting to what he thinks and does.
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I told him how I didnt like how he treated me...in the bedroom. He said it was just to get a reaction out of me and that he always got the reaction he expected (not the one he wanted but expected).
Personally Kisaak you need to look at the above statement. He is totally manipulating YOU and trying to make YOU �feel� like you need to live up to your wifely duties. Personally, I think you need to put a stop to it. If it were me, the next time he wanted to have �violent/angry, self satisfying sex� well I would hand him a jar of Vaseline and some klennex and say knock yourself out.
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OK, how can I make it any clearer that I am attracted to my H physically, but NOT emotionally?
What do you think happens when you reward BAD behavior?
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What sucks is that he is sitting around all day long thinking IM THE ONE making HIM unhappy.
Kissak � you have been at this for a while now, why do you continue to look at him. Why do you continue to associate your happiness, your life to him? That sista is the bigger question.
The one that is much harder to address.
You can love him and still be married�.just make sure that YOU love YOURSELF as well.
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Today I got a text from my h. He wants to know what is up with me lately, that I seem different???? That I have a different attitude lately or something!
Maybe it is a good time to let him know that going forward you will NOT allow him to treat you like chit emotionally and sexually. Having said this, you must be prepared to deal with whatever his response is. Another option would be to say nothing.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm sorry you feel so bad. I hope you will be able to step back and look at the relationship you've been describing the last little while. For whatever reason, your H is not able to work on Piecing your M right now, and has gone right back into MLC. He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
Kissak, trust in the changes you made before you took him back. Try to focus on loving yourself, on feeling that you do not need him to be happy, and on filling your life only with actions that satisfy YOU. Nothing that you do right now, from getting an extra job, to showing affection, to gently reasoning with him, to putting all your energy into figuring out why he says such crazy things, is going to have any effect on him right now. I hate to see you trying so hard to turn that frog into a prince that you're neglecting the true prize/princess here: yourself.
He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
I agree. I do believe he is doing this to me. Mind games. The thing is, I dont know if he realizes that is what he is doing.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Eric, I am trying to take in everything thing you have said. I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this. I feel like a child sometimes. Its like he doesnt even listen to Himself talk much less me.
I have told him that I do not like the anger in the bedroom...he said its not anger, its just him trying to spark or get some interest from me. I told him that I dont like it and thats not the way to do it. He did say he was sorry.
He said he cant give me what I want, like kissing me, until he feels it. He has to feel it.
Im sooo tired of this feeling crap.
I have basically stopped texting him this afternoon.
I have told him exactly how i feel today. Yet, he still keeps asking me what Im thinking. I feel like he is fishing for something out of me....
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I'm sorry you feel so bad. I hope you will be able to step back and look at the relationship you've been describing the last little while. For whatever reason, your H is not able to work on Piecing your M right now, and has gone right back into MLC. He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
Kissak, trust in the changes you made before you took him back. Try to focus on loving yourself, on feeling that you do not need him to be happy, and on filling your life only with actions that satisfy YOU. Nothing that you do right now, from getting an extra job, to showing affection, to gently reasoning with him, to putting all your energy into figuring out why he says such crazy things, is going to have any effect on him right now. I hate to see you trying so hard to turn that frog into a prince that you're neglecting the true prize/princess here: yourself.
((((Kissak))))
^^^^^^^ what she said. Period.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I think you are right on. Nothing I do right now is going to make a difference in the world about what he thinks.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
