Still needing some encouragement

[ericmsant2]

Kissak,

Can you do me a favor?

Just a small favor.

Write down what YOU are afraid of? Be very specific - very specific.

Thanks,
Eric

[kissak]

You know...I sit here and argue with myself about that.

At first I would say Im afraid of being alone, then I remember that I am not alone and never will be, because I have God in my life. Also I remind myself that I have been by myself before and I did just fine. So, no IM not afraid of that. Got guys just waiting for my H to mess up again so they can have a chance with a great gal

Second I wonder if Im afraid that he will find someone else. He has been with someone else before when we were separated and that was the HARDEST thing for me. I hated it. Im afraid of those feelings coming back.

Im afraid of struggling financially. I struggled before while he was gone and ran up alot of debt I hadnt had prior to him leaving. Business is slower than it use to be and Im afraid of losing everything...although then I remember that I have my Lord there to help me through anything.

Im afraid of letting go and giving up. To me to let go means to completely give up any hope. That would be the only way I could move on with my life. That, I am afraid of.

What if I stay just a little longer...what if I give up just before my prayers are answered? What if everything would have been ok if I just gave it more time?

Im afraid of being with someone else. I have been with my H for sooo long. He was my first bf. Married him right out of HS. It took me to years after he left to work up the courage to go on a date with someone. I werent ready then. It was weird. I cried for the rest of the night when the date was over. It felt so wrong. Im afraid of never being able to love someone else.

These are the fears I battle with.

[ericmsant2]

Kissak,

Your post touch a cord in me. You may not realize it but you are also helping me…

Im afraid of struggling financially.

So am I Kissak…so am i. Guess what…I think it boils down to this.

What is more important – money OR happiness?

You can have both, yes. BUT if you could not and FTR…you could not only for a period of time, which would you choose.

I suspect that you would choose happiness. AND herein lies the issue. As a society we are trained to think that happiness cost money. If I only could drive this car, if I only live in this type of house, if I only had X number of dollars to spend on entertaining myself…well then I can be happy. Honestly, It bullchit.

Money does NOT buy happiness. Does it help, yes BUT you can drive the nicest car, live in the nicest house, have a perfectly manicure lawn and still be miserable.

Kissak, YOU need to find your happiness away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. This takes a lot of work as I am coming to realize BUT the payoff is huge.

You want to kill your codependency issues? Learn to face your fears – no one can control your life except YOU. Yes you can allow them to BUT really you control your life.

And so that you know, what I think you are struggling with is the same struggle that I have right now.

Is it okay to be “done” – to cash in the chips and say fu*k it – I’m done.

I think the answer is YES BUT first you must define done.

Business is slower than it use to be and Im afraid of losing everything

Well then what are you doing about it? Focus your energies here and not on YOUR H. As for the fear of losing everything. If you do everything you can and still lose everything maybe it was not meant to be. Have confidence in yourself that you will be able to make it through whatever trials come your way.

Fear can only CONTROL you if YOU let it!

Im afraid of letting go and giving up. To me to let go means to completely give up any hope. That would be the only way I could move on with my life. That, I am afraid of.

Maybe that is the struggle for both of us. That constant push/pull of CONTROL. Guess what? More and more I realize that we must just “be”. Just live our lifes. Not afraid to make a mistake, not afraid of what someone else thinks of us, not afraid of what our S’s will say..NO – fuc* dat! Just live life the best way we can. Go with the natural flow of life. Will it always be a bed of roses? I suspect not BUT holding on to something that is broken, does not want to be held, and maybe cannot be fixed – how is that any less stressful.

What if I stay just a little longer...what if I give up just before my prayers are answered? What if everything would have been ok if I just gave it more time?

What if….
Could of….
Should of….

I too have struggled with this! Kissak, ya can’t live in the past. You cannot redo what has already been done. You cannot go thru 1,000,0000 different scenarios – just can’t. You may hold on as long as you want. Question is….what are you holding on to. Fear or your M? What really are you holding on to?

Im afraid of being with someone else

Then don’t. Who says you have to be with someone else RIGHT NOW?

More life lessons for me….some that I am learning the hard way.

1) It is okay to be alone.
2) You may not have a chit eating grin on your face all day every day when you are alone BUT there are some positives.
3) Really, we do NOT NEED anyone is our lives. Is it nice to have someone in them. Yes. BUT NEED and WANT are too different things.

Im afraid of never being able to love someone else.

Wow – I actually have even questioned my ability to truly LOVE. I am beginning to understand that Love as I had come to know it was flawed with my W. True love is something that I am beginning to understand much better. Does this mean that I do not love my W. No – on the contrary. I think I love her more now. You should not be afraid that you will not be able to love someone. IMO, you need to fall in love with YOU first. You need to feel confident about what you bring to any R, confident in who you are.


Kissak – thank you for sharing your fears with me.

The only real advice I can give you is this – Face them….

Some of them you have already faced

Now it is time for the real Kissak to come out.

Remove the mask, face the fear, spread your wings and

Fly……..

God Bless,
Eric

[kissak]

What is more important – money OR happiness?

I choose happiness. I know God will give me everything I need. Even if I didnt have the best car or house, I know I would have some place to go and something way to get around. But the fear is still there to lose it. BUT I am trying to find ways to bring in extra income. Working on it at my Business too. I have a good business that has been going for over 10 years now...but the economy has hit hard, combined with when my H left...its been hard to get out of the hole Im in, but Im trying!

Im afraid of being with someone else

Then don’t.

Who says you have to be with someone else RIGHT NOW?

I actually sorta enjoyed the single thing to a point. Actually the Living alone, just me and the kids was alot less stressful...but it would be nice to have someone to spend time with.

Kissak – thank you for sharing your fears with me.

Your welcome

Remove the mask, face the fear, spread your wings and

Fly……..

Thank you. Thank you for helping me realize that the fear I have are fears that others can have as well. That Im not crazy for how I think about things.

[handlingplanb]

IMO, you need to fall in love with YOU first. You need to feel confident about what you bring to any R, confident in who you are.

Nail on the head, Eric!! I've been here almost 3 years and still struggling with how.....but KNOW this HAS to happen!

Di an a mo

[kissak]

Ok, soooo, I sent my H that article on sexual desire. Its a pretty good read. First though I asked him would he read it if I sent it to him. He is always asking what I think, and this just about sums it up for me. He said he would read it. Then said he read part of it, for me to print it out because it was too much to read on his phone...so who knows. Maybe he will read it and learn something or maybe he wont care and will not learn a thing...which means he really isnt serious at all and is NOT in the marriage.

It was worth it to me. Makes me feel better anyway.

[handlingplanb]

If you are at all concerned about your H digging a bit and finding you on this site, I would recommend that when you print the article to read that you do your best to keep any reference to DB and this website off of the print out (i.e. copy and paste??).......

[kissak]

oh...i did...copy and paste He has no idea, and Im almost certain he would never go look...I will be completely surprised if he reads the entire article even.

[ericmsant2]

Kissak,

which means he really isnt serious at all and is NOT in the marriage.

He probably is NOT …at least right NOW.

I sent my H that article on sexual desire. Its a pretty good read. First though I asked him would he read it if I sent it to him. He is always asking what I think, and this just about sums it up for me. He said he would read it. Then said he read part of it, for me to print it out because it was too much to read on his phone...so who knows. Maybe he will read it and learn something or maybe he won’t care and will not learn a thing...

You know Kissak, I often read posts about men like your H who are in their own crisis and cannot see, understand or even hear what their wife’s are telling them. Since I used to be one of them; I have to be honest with you and tell you that sometimes these post hurt. However; having been a self center, selfish bastar* I do have some insight into what YOUR H may be thinking. Notice I say may. Every person is different Kissak so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

As I read your post the first thing that stuck out at me is just how hard YOU are trying to save your M. You are doing everything you can. I see it. I can even feel it in your post. The unfortunate thing IMO, is that YOUR H cannot see anything that you are trying to show him. Why can’t he see it? He is miserable with himself AND NOTHING YOU DO will snap him out of it. NOTHING. You see right now, YOU and the M are NOT making HIM happy. AND by YOU pointing OUT that he has a problem, well in his eyes you are blaming him for BEING UNHAPPY and again, in HIS mind….YOU are reason for his unhappiness. So believe it or not, you may be doing more harm than good.

Here is the thing, by continuing to allow HIM to do whatever he wants, he is losing respect for YOU. In his mind YOU NEED HIM. In his mind, you are too weak to do anything about it. In his mind, he runs chit! It’s what he says NOT what YOU say. I am sorry if this is coming across as brutal – and I hope this does not hurt you. I am just giving you my honest thoughts on what MAY be going through your H’s head. Right NOW this is about HIM.

Does this mean that it is over that the M is over?

No – not by a long shot – kinda off. The old M must really die Kissak. The old M and YOUR role in it must die. You must find your strength. YOU must find YOU in this process Kissak.

Does this mean that he cannot change? ABSOULTELY NOT. I am living breathing proof, at least in my eyes…that anyone who cares to challenge themselves can do the work and change! That a man can come out of an MLC different. SO IMO, he can change. The bigger question….is can YOU wait it out? Can you outlast it? FTR, it is okay if you say NO. It really is. What is not okay is NOT living YOUR life.

Does this mean that you should STOP trying to fix him?

Yes.

You can send him every cut out article on M, on sex, on abusive R’s, on healthy R’s, on just about anything. He probably will not care. It is about HIM – not YOU. His sexual needs are about HIM – NOT YOU. His emotional needs are about HIM – NOT YOU. So…what is Kissak suppose to do?

Live life sweetie.

Live it.

Go read some of the other women posters who are just living their lives. Do they also stuggle? I suspect Yes…but they are no longer looking at their H’s. They are no longer worried about what their H’s think of them, of how they are living their lifes. No they are just living the best way they can.

I know you are struggling with fear and FTR, so am I. It is a normal part of the process. So……

Let’s me and you rip down the mask, face our fuc*ing fear head on. Let’s show the world what you, I and every LBS that is standing or NOT...made of.

Let us remind each other that We Matter! That We are strong! That We kick as*

Kissak – stop looking at YOUR H. Stop it now! Cut his as* lose. And IF he trys anything in the bed room – make sure you allow WHAT YOU want to ALLOW! Make it about YOU sweetie. Fuc* that – make it about YOU>>>>>

In closing, I have one question for you…

What is tomorrow gonna be about for YOU?


God Bless,
Eric

[kissak]

Thanks Eric...you make me wanna kick myself sometimes for how I think or what I do lol

I know what you say is probably true. Honestly I thought it before hand...that me sending him that article probably would do nothing but make things worse...but really, how can they get any worse? But you are right...everything you said about what he is probably thinking may be true.

What I cant get past is he is always asking me "what you thinking" OK, what im thinking is that im tired of you blaming me for everything!!! Take a good look at yourself!!!! I am NOT the one making YOU unhappy!! YOU are making yourself unhappy!! When are YOU gonna get that I can not and will not ever make you happy?? That is YOUR JOB!!!!! UGHHHH

And nothing you said Eric hurt...sometimes I need to hear it.

I will take the print out home. I will not give it to him unless he asks...if he is interested he will ask..if he isnt interested, well then he wont ask and I wont bring it up. That will be that. BUT it was something I had to do for me because he keeps asking what im thinking. Its sometime easier for me to use other peoples words to describe how im feeling than using my own...my words dont always come out the way I want them. DOes that make sense?