Here's a way to simplify this. Marriage really screws up your perspective on the type of SH#T people will tolerate.
Say you were single, in college or after. You met a hot chick, but every time you went out, you found out she was also dating the basketball team. It would kind of kill it, no? You'd just move on.
But you're married. So suddenly, you give her a pass on it. It's only a friggin EA, right? Couldn't be a PA, she told me so!
The fact that she's clinging so hard to this "EA" implies that it's pretty powerful to her. So be it. Let her have this EA, let her know that she's choosing a friendship over her husband.
- AS far as waiting etc.. [censored] man I dunno. I'm getting conflicting advice. From the people who really know us/her they are telling me to work everything else and wait a bit before I push the issue. The guy is an EA so she justifies it in her head as not a real affair.
Your RL friends are going to give you plenty of advice that isn't going to help you. The longer you patiently wait, the more time W has getting entrenched in A, which WILL go PA. Like RobX said, quick & decisive.
W - I will live in an open M. W, end A, end all contact & recommit to M OR W, pack your $hit & go. Very simple.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Vulcan has it. A woman in an EA is more dangerous than most men think. Women need emotional attachment to go physical. An EA is a dangerous first step. It needs to be cut off at the head immediately or your M will most likely be over.
- AS far as waiting etc.. [censored] man I dunno. I'm getting conflicting advice. From the people who really know us/her they are telling me to work everything else and wait a bit before I push the issue. The guy is an EA so she justifies it in her head as not a real affair.
Does it really matter if she can justify the affair in her head? Why do you tolerate this in your life?
just posting what steve mcqueen placed in quotes, just because it's easier to read this way:
From a WAW's perspective.... "..About a year ago, I became addicted to chatting online, especially with strangers, particularly men. It got to the point that I opened a secret Facebook account, started playing games online, and started chatting with people I was “meeting” thru the games. Conversation would turn to my marriage, and how I felt I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted/deserved from my husband.
I made many of these friends. Things escalated. Suddenly I had all these secret “friends” in my life. The conversation was not always wholesome, in fact, sometimes it was quite damning. In some cases I became emotionally involved. I started chatting with some of them on Skype. Sometimes video chat was used. I said nasty things about my husband that weren’t true, but I liked all the attention I was getting. I did nasty things that I can’t bare to put into words on a public forum.
My husband became suspicious. Asked who I was staying up late chatting with on Skype. I lied and said I was talking to my sister. He did some detective work and discovered the truth. Evidently for some weeks he was monitoring my online socializing without my knowing. Like I said, the things I said and did on there were damning. I had no idea he knew anything was going on.
Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, he confronted me in the driveway. He had already moved his things out. The only thing he said to me was “You can’t do this and be with me. I’m leaving. You’ll be served in a few days. And served I was. During the next few days, I left desperate voicemails, asking him to go to therapy, telling him I loved him, etc.
We have had one face to face conversation sine he left. He didn’t want to be alone with me, so he asked my sister to supervise. During that conversation, at the advice of my therapist, I said almost nothing. I just listened. He only wanted to speak about divorce and what he wanted and did not want in the divorce. I only said, that I needed time to think about it, and I hope we could reconcile and be stronger than ever. He says it’s not an option. I did say I was sorry, which he doesn’t believe.
I would do anything to get him back."
So what do you think worked here? Was it a tactic? Or was it being so real with his wife, to let her know that it was over, that it was his decision and not giving her any doubt about what he wanted.
What steve posted could pretty much be one of the best things you will ever read on this site.
Damn it all came to a head tonight and I dont know if this relationship is recoverable now. She was going to go out with the guy and I got mad and told her I was takin gth car keys and that this was bullshit.
We both raced up the stairs and she started grabbing and clawing at me so I pushed her off of me. Then I get in the bedroom and she starts hitting me and smacking me from behind in the head so I turned around and tripped her to get her to stop.
We both called the cops and no action was taken I ended up calling a buddy and stayed there.
She admitted she wanted to date the dude but was simply waiting to get out of the house. I told her that was an empotional affair and was just as bad. Then she told me she tried to make it work etc. I told her it wasnt easy for me to that her emotional rollercoaster she puts me through avery 6 weeks was unbearable. THen I said it didnt have to end this way etc but i guess its over now.
I just got back from my buddies.
I spoe with her briefly and we are both going to talk later after I take my son to school and I see my counselor. It really seemed like all the emotion was gone for both of us. I feel releived because I got it all out and stood up for myself.
Also as I was leaving I called her "not boyfriend" and told him he could have her. He was indignant at first, saying [censored] like shes married we haven't done [censored], I told him that I knew he wanted to date her because she told me so and to stop the bullshit.
I wish ther were a way to fix this now but I doubt it.
My buddies wife was telling me that this is probably what needed to happen to fix it. That I needed to stand up to her and thats what it took for her. She said it got way worse ( like this before it got better).
I dunno I'd like to believe that my standing up for myself will turn this [censored] around eventually but the fact it got physical and the cops were called I doubt it.
What is there to talk about? She wants to date someone else, then she needs to leave the house. This is her choice to split up the family and you just need to make sure that she knows that. You need to now only think of your son, and yourself. Do what is best to take care of him.
